Babyklok
Chapter Four

Rating: R
Category: AU
Pairing(s): Cloud/Reno, Tifa/Barret, Aeris/Tseng, Zack/Sephiroth, Vincent/Cid, Reeve/Rufus, Yuffie/Elena, Yazoo/Andy, Nathan/Charles, Toki/Skwisgaar.
Warnings: Probably the most demented crack!fic in the history of crack!fics. You’ve been warned.
Summary: Dethklok return to Gaia… and something has followed…
Notes: For Animama!

Illustration by Animama

The problem with Dethklok, Charles had long ago decided, was they shared a brain. It wasn’t a fantastic hive mind, more like thin slivers of the same pea, but there was no doubt that there were times they were reading each other’s thoughts.

The current thought they were sharing was ‘there is something outside. We don’t know what, and we don’t know what to do about it, but we’re not happy.’

It was the evening after Nathan’s nightmare, and Charles as well as the band were gathered in Toki’s bedroom. Outside a storm was brewing, and Dethklok were not the only people feeling the tension; the Turks were upset as well. So too were the formidable warriors prowling the halls. Even the mighty Sephiroth was on edge, a little detail that bothered those who knew what he was capable of greatly. The anxiety only increased when he walked into the rain of his own volition to look around. Charles raised an eyebrow as the Turk currently guarding him, Reno, reported this seemingly insignificant detail to his comrades, raising his radio and pressing a button.

“Tiger in the rain, people.”

Elena was succinct. “Fuck.”

“Is that bad?” asked Charles.

Reno continued to watch the tall form slowly pace the deck. “Sephiroth only goes into the rain for one reason – he has to.”

Charles did not like that in the least. He liked even less being the size of a manatee and essentially helpless, laying on the bed beside Toki, who was possibly in even less condition to run than Charles. And he did not know how much faith he had in the skinny red-head with the mismatched eyes. Granted Reno was pretty and scruffy in a rock star sort of way, but Charles wasn’t sure how much faith he had in his ability to fight. Of course, people tended to underestimate him as well.

“So… you’re a Turk.”

Reno smiled. God he was pretty. Charles could make him a superstar in fifteen minutes, ten if had an actual talent.

“Yeah.”

“So… what does a Turk do?”

Reno paced. “Bit of everything. Little espionage, little protection, little damage control. It’s our job to know what’s happening and make sure it doesn’t hurt Rufus. We take the hits and make sure his pretty white duster stays white. Of course… getting past us doesn’t mean you’ve got it made. Rufus isn’t exactly a pushover.”

Skwisgaar was currently peering into the reflection of Rude’s sunglasses, as Rude stood coolly by the door.

“Coulds use betters uniforms.”

Rude made a quiet grunt of annoyance, as Toki decided to edge closer to Charles and get curious about his belly. Wonderful. He’d been exposed to enough of Toki and Skwisgaar’s moments of mutual stupidity to know this was turning into one. Toki poked Charles’ swollen belly cautiously.

“You is havings little girl?”

“Nathan seems to think so.”

“How she gets in deres? Where does da babies comings from, anysway?”

Ordinarily Charles would be shocked to have a grown man ask where babies came from, but knowing how severely isolated and solitary Toki’s childhood was, it didn’t surprise him in the least that Toki would not know this detail. He glanced towards Reno, who looked puzzled. Their eyes locked, and Charles made a motion for him to just stand back and let the conversation commence. It was bound to be one of Toki and Skwisgaar’s more memorable interactions.

“I'll be tellings you when you're older. Don't be pokings Charlie when he's pregnants. Is rudes,” said Skwisgaar.

“What you's mean when I's older? I's plenty olds now! Wants to know!”

Skwisgaar tossed his hair, rolling his eyes. “Okays,” he sighed. “You nots goings to understands dis, but ...um… Nat'an put her in dere.”

Toki blinked his large blue eyes. “How he dos dat? And where he gets her from in first places?”

Skwisgaar slapped a hand over his face. “I told you dat you wouldn't understands it. Remembers how we comes back from Gaia da first times and how Charlies spewed up on Ozzy? He was pregnant wit' da baby den. She was just littler and now she's gotten bigger. So's Charlie's tummy.”

Toki was indignant. “Well, I's knows dat! I's not stupids! But how Nat'ans puts here in deres befores any of dats?”

Skwisgaar was in full annoyed princess mode. “If you already knows how babies gets in dere, whys you askings den?”

“But I don'ts knows! I don't knows how is gets in deres. I just knows she starts out littles and gets bigger in Lawyers-man's belly and he gets fats. I don't knows how Nat'ans is puts her in da bellies in first places!!”

Reno cast a glance at Charles. “Lawyer-man?”

“It’s an improvement on ‘butler-man’.”

“Two questions. Do they have the faintest idea who you are, and what you do?”

“I… honestly can’t answer that. Some days I’m not sure they know who they are and what they do.”

Reno snorted with amusement as Skwisgaar came to sit on the bed beside Toki. “It's alright, calms downs.”

“I nots upset,” Toki mumbled. Skwisgaar did not seem to hear him, putting an arm around him as he continued speaking.

“Is really simple, same t'ing as when a woman gets pregnant, except dat it was Nat'an and Charlies, not Nat'an and a woman. Get it?”

“No, ‘cause I don'ts knows how ladies gets pregnants eit'ers. Knows you gots to has two, mommies and daddies. But don't knows how da daddies gets babies into da mommies.”

“Didn'ts you parents tell you anyt'ings about sex? No, don't answer dat,” Skwisgaar said before Toki could respond. He called across the room to a large form in a chair. “Nat’an!”

“What?” said Nathan, who had been trying to stay out of the whole situation.

“I knows abouts sex!” said Toki. “You does it nakeds and it makes Lawyers-man screams weird t'ings.”

Charles sighed and slowly raised one hand to his face, shaking his head.

“Sex what makes babies, min Alske, and course I does it nakeds and so does you… wit’ me.” Skwisgaar looked towards Nathan. “Gets in here, Nat'an and helps me explains Charlie's pregnancies to Toki.”

“Do I have to?”

Toki meanwhile simply looked confused. “Sex makes babies? How sex makes babies?”

Skwisgaar waited for Nathan to explain. Nathan waited for them to get distracted. Finally Skwisgaar lost his patience.
 
“Gets your ass overs here, Explosion, and helps me tell Tokis how you puts a baby insides Charlie. Since yous now da Proud Papa.”

Nathan hid behind his hand, shaking his head. Reno glanced towards Charles.

“Should we help them out?”

“God no, this is much more entertaining.”

Nathan forced himself to tackle the subject. “You, uh... know about sex, right?”

Toki was getting irate. He pointed at Skwisgaar. “I lives wit’ him. You figures it out.”

“Yeah, yeah, okay, fine. So… you know how when you… like…or Skwisgaar…uh… y’know… inside you? Well, it goes somewhere. If it's a chick or... Charles... then it goes to the… uhh... like the womb, and the baby starts growing there. Yeah, like that.”

Charles looked at his watch and said quietly to Reno “Histrionics commencing in five, four, three, two…”

Toki suddenly looked horrified. “You means... Babies comes from you ding-dongs!? Dat's AWFULS!!! Dat's not how it comes back outs when is ready be borns, is it? POOR LAWYERS-MAN! Waits… waits a…. OHMIGOD SKWISGAAR DIDS DAT INSIDES ME! OHMIGODS I IS NOTS READY BES A MAMA!!”

Reno and Charles watched the ensuing chaos with quiet amusement, Reno resting his metal rod against his shoulder.

“So,” said Reno. “These are the guys who are going to bring about the destruction of the world, huh.”

“M-hm,” said Charles. “Yes, apparently it was foretold on a Sumerian tablet.”

“Great. Well they did raise one valid point. We have to teach you how to control your shape-shifting abilities, or you, my friend, are going to have a verrrryyy uncomfortable birth, yo.”

“Sephiroth has been helping me with that, we’ve been…”

The lights went out, and everyone within the room fell silent. The only sound was that of the rain striking the stone deck, and the wind gusting through the trees. There was a definite sense of something foul making its way towards them.

“Reno, get the boys out of here. Get them some place safe,” said Charles.

“I’m not going,” said Nathan.

“Nathan…”

“Charles I’m not leaving.”

“Nate, I’ll be perfectly fine. They’re not after me. It’s you we have to keep safe.”

Nathan was not comforted by this thought, nor was he convinced, but he finally permitted himself to be taken away, leaving his lover alone in the room. Charles sat on the bed, listening. He reached into the pocket of his house coat and withdrew two small orbs; one a soft blue, the other a vibrant red. Perhaps his boys had been neglecting to pay heed to the way nature worked on this planet, but Charles had not. He invoked the orb of ‘barrier’ materia, keeping the ball of summoning materia at the ready. He had no idea if he would need them, but he was not about to leave himself vulnerable.

He was very glad he had chosen to err on the side of caution as he noticed the mist that began to pool on the floor, and a form appeared, stepping out of the gathering fog. Charles had no idea who the tall, aging man with the long white hair was, but something told him that this was the true power that lay behind the minions dogging his band.

“Mr. Offdensen,” he said, his low voice possessing a rasping quality. “At last we meet.”

“Who are you? What do you want?”

“I want you… out of my way.”

The man made a grasping gesture with his hand, and Charles felt something begin to crush his body, as if a great invisible stone fist had him in its clutch. He felt his bones creak, his muscles scream, and knew he and his unborn child would be dead in moments if he did not react.

The red materia suddenly shot forth a great blast of light, and Charles’ assailant abruptly found himself looking up a ghoulish figure bent over a cauldron set atop a bed of coals. It was apparently bizarre enough that his attacker released the spell, and Charles got off the bed and staggered out to the deck, gasping for breath, knowing he had only just managed to escape death. He looked back to where the man was facing the cloaked figure and its cauldron, and then a miniature shockwave knocked Charles over as the cowled form cast a spell. He landed forcefully on the marble, winded and in considerable pain, knowing that the only reason he was still drawing breath was because of the abilities granted him by Sephiroth’s blood.

He slowly sat up, his body shaking. He moved as quickly as he was able to the side of the deck, pressing his back to the elegant wrought iron rail. He reached into the pocket of his robe and pulled out his handgun, then looked around. He did not see Sephiroth anywhere. Well that was just great. Everyone was off protecting Dethklok, and here he was all alone on the deck waiting to be crushed to death by some sort of…Sumerian warlock. Speaking of which…

A large form stepped out of the room and onto the deck, gazing about the area, finally spying Charles backed against the rail, gun at the ready, shivering in the rain.

“You cannot defy me. My plans were laid centuries ago, and you, little man, will not thwart them. You have been given a great gift, but you do not yet know how to use it. I will crush you before you have the chance to become a threat.”

Charles managed to get to his feet. He had to admit that there were times he had felt more in control of a situation. Pregnant, off-balance, dressed in a red velvet house coat with a black satin trim, and… yup, there came the wings, right on cue. Oh joy. Super Wren to the rescue. The man laughed.

“And what is this? A baby bird?”

Charles caught a faint noise, scarcely heard over the sound of rain and wind. Backup, it seemed, had arrived.

“Yes,” said Charles. “And here’s mama bird.”

There was a sound like ship’s sail being battered in a storm, and a tremendous shape appeared behind Charles, rising up to perch on the rail. The immense silver-black wings were raised, balancing the warrior, who stood with his blade poised like a scorpion’s sting. Above him the clouds began to swirl in an unnatural manner, whips of lightning lashing across the sky. His long white hair blew, as did the leather skirts of his coat, the rain sheeting off the black plumes.

The man stared at Sephiroth with cold eyes. “Ah yes, the Nightmare. I have heard of you.”

“Then you know how I gained that name.”

“I know I do not trouble myself with freaks.”

The man made a casting motion with his hand, and as Charles watched something began manifesting in the air, a great strange shape like a rotting Sphinx. Then something shot straight up out of the garden with a rush of leathery wings. The man’s body jerked, and he gasped, his eyes growing wide as the being aimed what seemed to be a beam of white light at him. Charles felt himself snatched up, and then the singularly disconcerting sensation of looking down and finding nothing beneath his feet but air. As he drifted slowly down, carried by Sephiroth, he heard a terrific booming noise, like the fist of a vengeful god striking a drum. As the noise slowly faded, rolling off into the distance to be replaced by the hushed sound of rain on grass, Charles felt himself placed gently on the ground. Sephiroth flipped his wings closed, then gazed upwards, waiting for someone to appear. After a minute or so a swift figure dropped from the sky, pulling up at the last moment to land delicately on the ground.

“I don’t care much for being called a freak,” said Vincent in his Chaos form. “Do you, Mr. Valentine?”

“No,” said Sephiroth. “I can’t say I do, Mr. Valentine.” He turned his attention to Charles. “What about you, Mr. Offdensen?”

“Can you please tell me how to close these damned things without falling on my face?”

“Half of it is attitude,” said Sephiroth. “It helps if you pretend you’re an eagle.”

“More like Chucky the Wonder-Budgie.” He fought with the alien protrusions, then finally gave up. He was far too shaken and upset to master them at this moment, and was only just barely holding onto his composure. “I want to thank you. I had no idea that I was in any danger. I owe you my life.”

“You owe us nothing,” said Sephiroth. “Come. Let us get you inside. You have three months before your child comes and you return to Earth. I suggest we put that time to good use and teach you what you have become.”

They led Charles into the house, where they were met by Reno and Zack.

“Crosier and Ravenwood are gone,” said Zack. “Are we safe?”

“We are,” said Sephiroth. “I suspect this Tribunal has gone back to Earth to regroup.”

Something enormous suddenly tore into the room, heading straight for Charles, embracing him, touching him, reassuring himself that the one person he held dear was all right. Charles returned the embrace, closing his eyes, finally allowing himself to break down. As the other four people quietly left the room, Nathan picked Charles up and held him close, the pair comforting each other.

“It was just like my nightmare,” said Nathan.

“Fortunately it had a slightly happier conclusion,” said Charles.

“Yeah. C’mon. Let’s get you to bed.”

Charles nodded, nestling against to broad chest, unable to think of a place he would rather be.

***---***

Dr. Gaywell was nearing the end of her tether. She had spent years dedicating her life to becoming a doctor, and then a decade more becoming a specialist dealing with genetically re-engineered and altered warriors. She was a woman with the sort of credentials most doctors could only daydream about, so it was with a fair amount of certainty that she uttered the next phrase.

“Toki, you’re not pregnant. You’re not pregnant now, you were not pregnant yesterday, and you will not be pregnant tomorrow. You cannot get pregnant. In order to get pregnant, one of two conditions has to be met; you have to be a woman with a male sexual partner, or you have to have been subjected to a fairly life-altering concoction of chemicals, fluids, altered DNA sequences and nanites. You are just a guy. Thus no matter what you do with Skwisgaar, it’s not going to result in offspring.”

He blinked at her with large blue eyes. “You sure?” he asked warily.

“Very. I may not specialize in Earth males, but trust me, I do know how the inside of one works.”

“And I can’ts get pregnant.”

“Not unless you go help yourself to Sephiroth’s blood.”

“No t’anks. Not wants to be pregnants vampire.”

“Good. Now let me see your hand, baby.”

He permitted her to check his hand. After three months of healing and therapy since it had been rebuilt, it was nearly impossible to tell it had ever been injured in the first place.

“And it’s working just fine?”

“Ja works as good as da olds one did.”

“Totally dildos,” said Skwisgaar.

Toki gave him an up-close view of his new middle finger. Skwisgaar grabbed it, then leaned close to kiss Toki.

“Come on, we go sees if we can gets you pregnants anyway.”

“Sound good to me.”

Dr. Gaywell watched the pair depart, then turned to look at Nathan.

“Man I hope they don’t succeed.”

“Tell me about it. So, uh… how’s Charles?”

“He’s good. He’s doing just fine.”

“What do you mean just fine?” said a voice, and Gaywell jumped, closing her eyes and placing a hand over her heart.

“Pickles,” she said, “what did we discuss about sneaking up on me?”

“I dunno, something. But how can Ahfdensen be fine?”

“Yeah,” said Nathan. “All he’s done is sleep all day. That’s not like him.”

“Yeah,” said Murderface. “He should be up by now. It’sh almosht dinner time.”

Dr. Gaywell rolled her eyes. “Do you people always insist on hanging out in a pack?”

“Stop avoiding the question,” said Pickles.

“He’s perfectly fine,” she said, gathering up her things and placing them in a large satchel. “It’s completely normal for many people to begin their labour by sleeping. It helps build up their strength.

Nathan rocked slightly. “He… he’s in labour? That means he’s…”

“Having a baby, yes. He’s got some time to go yet, I would say, which is why he’s sleeping. His body is building up reserves to deal with the upcoming birth.”

“Oh,” said Pickles. “Well that makes sense I guess.”

“Sheems normal to me,” said Murderface. “Hey I guesh that meansh we’ll find out shoon if Nathan wash right about it being a little girl.”

“Hey yeah! Dood, Nathan, what are you and Ahfdensen going to name her?”

Nathan did not answer. He was far too busy being catatonic.

***---***

Lydia Offdensen-Explosion weighed eight pounds, eleven ounces, and came out with a full head of black hair. Her eyes were baby blue, so what colour they would change to was anyone’s guess. She was introduced to her exhausted mother, who as terribly pleased to meet her after thirty-seven hours of labour, and then shown to her father who was afraid to touch her at first for fear of breaking her. She was cleaned and dressed and placed in a bassinet that had once held Rufus Shinra himself, where she remained for forty minutes; just long enough for her parents to fall asleep. She was then high-jacked by a six-foot-eight blonde whom she would one day roundly curse in his native tongue for terrorizing every boyfriend she had. The baby-filching continued throughout the night, until Nathan woke up and went looking for her, eventually locating his daughter bundled up between a pair of guitar players. Most fathers would object to this arrangement, but for now Nathan let it slide. He suspected she’d come back fast enough once she was hungry and had a full diaper.

Brutal.

Nathan climbed back into bed beside Charles, drawing him carefully against his chest. Charles was weak and drained, and Dr. Gaywell had him on an IV drip as a preventative measure against infection. The birth had not been an easy one.

“I’m not speaking to you,” muttered Charles.

“You’re cute when you’re exhausted.”

“M-hm. Noted. Where’s my daughter?”

“Shacked up with a couple guitar players. We better keep an eye on Toki, it would be just like him to get some idea in his head that he wants one, too.”

“That’s fine, as soon as he grows up he can be a mommy. In the meantime, my blood is strictly off limits.”

There was a brief, peaceful quiet.

“Charles?”

“Hm?”

“Are you… okay with this? Because I know you weren’t… y’know… real keen on the idea…”

“I’m okay, Nathan. I just had to know I’m not alone. I was rather afraid I would end up raising her strictly by myself.”

“No, you’re not alone. I mean we’re screw-ups, and… well… I can’t promise she won’t get the occasional can of frosting for breakfast, and… her first word will probably be something you’ll regret. Parent-Teacher nights will be a total nightmare, and… she’ll probably have a mosh pit for her first sleep-over, but… you’re not alone.” Nathan grinned. “You might end up wishing you were, though.”

“Thank you, Nathan. That’s… just great. That’s just what I wanted to envision as I am falling asleep; my daughter the hellion.”

Nathan kissed him. “Yeah, well… could be worse. You could have fallen in love with Murderface.”

“You’re trying to give me nightmares, aren’t you?”

***---***

“There is something just so wrong with this picture,” said Vincent.

Toki nodded. “Ja. Is pretties messed up all rights.”

They were seated in the room Toki and Skwisgaar had occupied for the duration of their stay at Shinra Manor. In a few days they would be going back to their life on Earth, and it could be a long time before Vincent and Toki saw each other again. They were making the most of the time remaining.

“Still,” said Toki, “is nice to see Cid an’ Skwisgaar makes friends after all dis time. Was gettings tireds of dem always crabbings at each ot’er.”

“Cid’s easy to like,” said Vincent. “Once you get passed all his glaring faults.”

“Ja Skwisgaar too. I tells people he just big sweetheart, he nots hurt a fly. He can be little bits difficult, but he’s gots big heart. I know he loves me.”

“Cid too,” said Vincent. “Once you peel back the layer of sandpaper, he’s all soft velvet.”

Toki and Vincent sat together and watched their respective mates out on the deck; Skwisgaar practicing his fighting moves with the lance, and Cid playing death metal on an electric guitar. After a moment Vincent looked at Toki.