Beer Run

Rating: PG
Category: AU
Pairing(s): Zack/Sephiroth, Cloud/Reno.
Warnings: Copious amounts of drinking.
Summary: Zack and Cloud are let out to play.
Notes: In the event people are not familiar with the way Canadians sell booze, you can only buy alcohol of ANY kind in a Government-controlled liquor store. None of this going to the Seven-Eleven and getting a case. However you can go to a bar and buy “off-sales”, which means buy a case from the bar at bar prices. However not all bars do this. The story sorta hinges on this interesting little fact…

This is actually a scene I meant to use in ‘Lovers and Losses’, but it got edged out when the fic was edited. However I love this bit to pieces, so when Kitten said she wanted a Zack/Seph fic for her b-day, I knew just what to use. It no longer really fits into the actual series, so it’s bit like an AU of my Rabid Tiger AU, partly because I changed the way Seph ‘carries’ during pregnancy. After all he’s got a lot of torso to hide a baby in, so I personally don’t think he’d show much.

Lyrics used in this fic are from ‘The Drunkard’s Song’© off the album ‘Belabouring the Obvious’© by the incomparable Spider Robinson, and ‘My Wife’ © by The Who.

Birthday fic for seishou_odoriko!

It was early April, and Sephiroth had less than two weeks before he gave birth to his second child. He was very large, and content with the world. He had everything he needed, and life was good as he dozed in the warmth of the new spring, his three-year-old daughter Miki curled up beside him. Then Zack opened his mouth and ruined the day.

“Me and Cloud are going for beer. Back in a bit.”

Sephiroth’s eyes opened. Oh yes, the beer run. A small chore engaged in by many adults. A quick trip to the shop that sold libations and home again. Zack himself had performed this simple task many times. However when Cloud was added into the mix, that simple chore became anything but.

“Zack,” said Sephiroth quietly, his tone faintly warning, “don’t be long.”

“Just going for beer, Baby. Won’t be but a minute.”

“Uh-huh.”

“What?” said Zack, all innocence, affronted by his lover’s doubt in him.

“Zack Fair if I have to get off this couch and come get you for any reason…”

“I’ll be an hour, tops. Promise.” Zack bent down and kissed his husband. “See you in a bit.”

Sephiroth and Miki watched Zack climb into the jeep beside Cloud and drive down the hill. Then he sighed heavily.

“And they were never seen again,” he muttered, and closed his eyes.

***---***

“We started in the city, had a drink in every shitty little gin mill,
That’s really quite a few…”

“So where are we heading?” asked Cloud. “There’s no liquor store in the fishing village.”

“There’s a little town just a few miles away,” said Zack. “It must have a bar that does off-sales. We can get a case there.”

It only took thirty-five minutes to reach the small town. They pulled up before a small pub called ‘Inn’d of the Road’ and parked the jeep. They hopped out of the vehicle and went inside, their eyes having to adjust from the bright daylight to the dark interior.

“There’s a table,” said Zack.

“Zack,” said Cloud, “if we get hammered and vanish for a few hours, Baby will have your brains for breakfast.”

“Ah we’ll have one beer and buy a case and go home, he won’t even be awake yet.”

Cloud shook his head, but followed Zack to the table. “I dunno, Zack. I got a bad feeling about this…”

“You always have a bad feeling about things. You have to enjoy life more.”

“The time in Hojo’s suspension tank sorta soured me on life.”

“Don’t hand me that, you were a drip from the first time I met you. That’s why I love you.”

“Because I’m a drip?”

“Somebody has to be.”

“Gee thanks, Zack. My mom thought I was cool.”

Zack laughed and motioned a waitress over. “D’you have off-sales?”

“No, sorry. If you’re looking to buy beer you’ll have to go to ‘Big Bad John’s’ a few blocks over.”

“Oh, okay. Well bring us each a beer and then we’ll be on our way.”

***---***

“We was weavin’ just a trifle by the time we hit Astoria,
at eighty miles an hour…

… in reverse.”

Big Bad John’s didn’t do off-sales either. Nor did the bar after that. Nor the one after that. In fact, by the time they discovered this particular town had a by-law banning off-sales, Cloud and Zack were definitely the worse for wear, and the jeep had been forsaken for a cab out of fear of gaining the disapproval of the local constabulary.

“Ya know they coulda tol’ us about this five pubs ago,” Zack said indignantly as Cloud fell into the back seat of the cab.

“Where’s th’ fun in that?” said Cloud, trying to right himself.

“Where to now?” asked the cabbie.

“Same place we bin goin’ to all fucking day,” said Zack.

“Right. Next pub it is.”

***---***

“But the next saloon we try, someone wants to punch me in the eye,
he objected to my long, shaggy curls.
His fist come out of orbit, knocked me clear across the bar,
But I was pretty drunk; I didn’t really care.
In fact I was sorely disappointed when the coppers hit the joint, just as I was making my rebuttal… with a chair.”

“Whoa,” said Zack as they stumbled into yet another nameless pub. “Oh my gawd. I didn’t know there were still parts of the world where it’s thirty years ago.”

“Shh!” hissed Cloud. “Don’ start a fight, you always start a fight when we get like this.”

“Was jus’ an observation. Hey. Y’know what we need to do?”

“Get your ass home before Seph comes lookin’ for you?”

“Naw, we need t’ bring in the cabbie. I mean he’s driven us all over th’ fuckin’ place…” Zack stuck his head out the pub’s stained and creaking door. “HEY CABBIE! Y’WANNA BEER?”

“Zack, doesn’t getting the cabbie drunk defeat the purpose?”

“Th’ purpose of what?”

“Having a cab.”

“It’s fine, we’ll just call a cab.”

The cab driver came in and joined them. They ordered a round of beer, and, to absolutely no one’s surprise, the pub didn’t do off-sales.

“You have to go to the next town for off-sales,” said the cab driver.

“They coulda told us that six pubs ago,” said Zack.

“I told you that six pubs ago,” said the cabbie.

“You did?”

“He did,” said Cloud.

“Oh well.”

Zack looked around at the pub’s patrons. They were not exactly fine upstanding citizens. The tables suggested regular abuse, and the floor crunched when walked upon in the way floors aren’t supposed to. Cloud dropped into a chair at a table, and felt something embedded in the table’s sticky surface. He pulled it out, examining it drunkenly. It proved to be a tooth. He was still staring at it when a waitress walked up.

“What’ll you guys have?”

“Round of beer,” said the cabbie.

No sooner had she left when an enormous and frightfully hairy man, with a belly larger than Sephiroth’s currently was, began approaching the table. Cloud doubted there was a baby in the swollen abdomen, more likely it was a liver screaming for help. The man walked up to the table and looked at Zack and Cloud, both clad in leathers, armed with swords, and looking distinctly out of place. He looked from the cabbie, to Cloud, to Zack, finally deciding Zack’s mop of long black hair was the excuse he needed to be belligerent.

“What the hell is that on your head?” he demanded.

“Stuffed porcupine,” said Zack. “All the rage. What’s that on your head? Looks like shit-encrusted fun-fur.”

The man’s fist shot out with astonishing speed, catching Zack in the jaw and sending him flying. Zack was thrown onto a nearby table by the blow, and lay there, staring up at the ceiling, blinking. Then he pointed up.

“Hey Cloud, doesn’t that stain up there look like Edgington?”

“What stain?” asked Cloud.

“The brown one with the green bits.”

Cloud squinted in an attempt to see. “Nope. Looks more like your chocobo.”

“That’s who I was talking about.”

Zack sat up, and the man lunged at him, intending to land another blow. Cloud leapt up and grabbed a chair, bringing it down on the man with all his considerable might, flattening him. It was at that point that the man’s friends dove into the fray, and Cloud found himself trading punches with guys twice his height and with none of his training. Things were going rather well until the door blew open and five police officers appeared, and Cloud decided to dive out a window, cutting himself badly. Dripping a trail of blood, he fled into a back alley just in time to see the cover of a ventilator shaft come flying off a wall. Zack emerged, dusty but sound; his boots hitting the ground just as a familiar cab came tearing down the narrow alley. The back door flew open, and the cabbie stuck his head out the window.

“Come on, get your asses in here!”

They didn’t need a second invitation. They dove into the cab and tore out of the alley, Cloud and Zack bouncing around the back seat as the aging vehicle lunged over a speed bump.

“Where to?” asked the cabbie.

Cloud was still laughing, picking glass out of his arm. Zack managed to right himself.

“Same fuckin’ place we been going to all day!”

“Right, next town it is. You know you guys could just go to a liquor store.”

“Where’s the fun in that?” said Zack.

***---***

“So I had another mug, and my buddy had a jug,
And the cabbie had a pitcher and a half…”

“We’re where?” said Zack.

The police officer repeated himself, slowly and clearly. “MID-GAR.”

“No shit?” Zack looked at Cloud. “How th’ fuck did we manage that?”

Cloud chose this moment to slowly topple over backwards, hitting the ground with a loud thud. Zack watched him drop with drunken fascination, then turned to look at the police officer who was preparing to arrest the both of them. Their cab driver seemed to have somehow vanished into the night. Zack stood compliantly as the cop cuffed him.

“Where you from?” asked the cop.

“Outside Gongaga village.”

The cop thought about that. “That’s on the other continent! How did you get all the way up here?!”

“I haven’t a clue. It’s all sort of a blur. What are we being arrested for?”

“Public intoxication, public nuisance, public nudity, illegal use of a fire hydrant…”

“What day is it?”

“Monday.”

Zack flinched. “Oops…”

He reached his hands up to shove his wet hair out of his face, snapping the cuffs. The cop gave him an annoyed look.

“Sorry,” said Zack. “Is okay. I’m not goin’ nowhere. Believe me, I’m far safer in jail.”

“No you’re not,” said Cloud. “You ain’t safe nowhere from what you got at home!”

“Like that skinny little Turk of yours ain’t gonna be able to track your sorry ass down.” Confusion crossed Zack’s handsome face, and he glanced around. “Hey, Cloud? Where’d we put our clothes?”

***---***

"My life's in jeopardy,
Murdered in cold blood is what I'm gonna be.
I ain't been home since Friday night
And now my wife is coming after me…"

The phone rang, and Sephiroth went to answer it, long hair blowing loose like a cascade of white silk down his long back. He was dressed in a manner few people other than his family ever saw; baggy sweats and a long grey t-shirt. Normally he would rather cut his own eyelids off than dress this way, but, as pregnant as he was, little else in his closet fit. He picked up the phone.

“Hello?”

“Hello, this is Officer Elwood of the Midgar City Police. May I speak with a Mr. Baby Fair?”

Sephiroth’s jaw worked, his large, strong hand clenching around the phone, eyes narrowing. “This is he,” he ground out through gritted teeth.

“Mr. Fair, we have a Zack Fair down here in one of our holding cells, he claims he knows you. He asked me to let you know where he was.”

“Is he all right?”

“Oh he’s fine, not a mark on him.”

“Does he have a companion with him? A small blonde with hair like the back end of a chocobo?”

“Yes he’s here too. He’s a bit cut up but he’s just fine also. Did you want to come bail them out?”

“No, but I suppose I should. Tell them I am on my way.”

“I’ll do that. Thanks for your time.”

Sephiroth hung up, then called Reno. The phone was snatched up on the first ring.

“Cloud?”

“No. But I found him. He and Zack are in jail in Midgar.”

“Midgar?!” exclaimed Reno. “How did they get to Midgar?! That’s on another continent!”

“I’m sure I do not know and at this point I do not care. But I wanted you to know he’s alive and well and I am on my way to bail the two of them out.”

“Well I’m glad to hear Cloud’s all right, because I want to kill him personally, yo!”

“You will have that chance. I assure you.”

Sephiroth hung up, and looked at his three-year-old daughter, who was seated on the couch, clutching a stuffed bunny.

“Is daddy coming home?”

“Yes, Miki. You and mommy are going to go get him.”

“Good. I’m mad at him.” She kicked one little foot petulantly.

“I’m a little angry at him myself,” muttered Sephiroth.

In truth, Sephiroth understood the occasional outburst of very un-Zack-like behaviour. The man had built a house, nursed a madman back to health, and settled into the role of father without a single word of complaint when said madman chose to make a baby without mentioning so much as a word about wanting a child. Zack had been beside him through everything. So when he got a few minutes alone with a friend, the overloaded part of his brain that was burdened with far too much responsibility tended to short out, leaving only the wild goofy side that never got a chance to play anymore. Oh yeah, he understood it. He just didn’t care much for the results. And now he had a larger problem. He was Sephiroth. And that was not an easy thing to disguise.

Sephiroth walked into the bathroom and looked at himself, raising an eyebrow elegantly. Seven feet tall, white hair, eyes like a cat, and on top of it there were the “bunny-ears”. Certainly there was no way of losing himself in a crowd.

“Damn it,” he muttered. “Zack Fair I should leave you to rot. Well there is nothing for it. I have to find a way to disguise myself.”

***---***

At five-thirty in the morning, the door to the small police station opened, and in walked a very tall man, gently leading a small girl, who was yawning. The cop behind the desk raised his head and eyed them with interest. The man was exceptionally tall; about seven feet, with long, ice-white hair, bound in a pony tail that fell down to his backside. He was wearing small, round-framed glasses, white slacks, dress shoes, and a loose blue shirt over his immense middle, so out of place with his obviously trim physique. He had on a long, stylish camel hair coat with matching driving gloves, and he looked for all the world like a university professor. The little girl was wearing a lilac coloured dress, white coat and matching shoes, little white gloves on her tiny hands, a small handbag over one arm. She even had on a proper hat, and was clutching a white stuffed bunny; quite the little lady. Both walked up to the front desk, the man picking the little girl up and setting her on it.

“We’re here to claim Zack Fair and Cloud Strife,” he said.

The cop studied the man; the intense green eyes, the distinct double cow lick that formed something like ears. Why did this guy look familiar?

“Just fill out the paper work and pay the bail and they’re all yours.”

“Lucky me,” said Sephiroth.

He took the pen the officer handed him with his left hand and began filling out forms in neat script, unconcerned with the officer’s scrutiny.

“You look familiar,” said the cop.

The tall man smiled. “Like Sephiroth?”

The cop’s eyes widened. “Yeah, exactly like Sephiroth!”

“He was my cousin.”

“Oh. That must have been very hard on your family, what happened to him. Hope you sued.”

Sephiroth looked at the man from over his glasses. “Sued?”

“Shinra. For damages. You just know it’s their fault he went off his nut. A man doesn’t go from being a great hero to a killer overnight without cause. They did something to him. There’s nothing in this world that will ever convince me otherwise. Here. Gotta show you this.”

The cop reached behind himself and picked a framed picture from off a desk, and passed it to Sephiroth. It was a photo of himself, years younger and sane, standing in a village square, dirty, tired, and bloody, with a collection of people around him, mostly children. He was standing in the foreground, looking fatigued, which he would have had to be to pose for a photo without a fuss. Beside him was a little boy of about eight, small fists clutching the leather skirts of the much-taller warrior’s coat.

Sephiroth did not remember where the photo was taken, or what he had done. Much of his memory was gone, lost to madness. The cop pointed to the little boy holding onto his coat.

“That’s my son. The town was attacked by men claiming to be resistance fighters. Murdering bandits is more like it. They took over the school and held everyone in it hostage for five days. If Sephiroth and his men hadn’t shown up, every kid in that school would be dead. He was a great man. Made me sick what happened to him. Those bastards hurt him, there’s nothing on this planet that will convince me otherwise. He saved my little boy. I didn’t think he would let me get his picture, but he was really polite about it.”

‘I must have been bloody exhausted,’ thought Sephiroth, smiling a little at his own arrogance and bad habits. “I don’t remember him well, sadly.”

“He was a good man.” The cop put the picture back on his desk, then turned back to the man before him, unable to stop his eyes from coming to rest on Sephiroth’s belly. “So… are you a warrior too?”

“Me? Oh, no. Far too violent for my tastes. I’m a bioengineer specializing in reproductive ailments. As you can see I managed to get myself into a rather interesting predicament.”

The cop laughed. “Well I thought it looked like a baby, but I didn’t want to say anything! How far along are you?”

“About another week and a half to go.”

“Man I have to tell you, if I got pregnant as the result of an experiment, I’d be in hysterics.”

“Yes, well, nine months ago I was lying in a foetal position sucking my thumb. Now I just want it over with.”

“Bet your wife is no help.”

Sephiroth smiled, wondering where and how he learned to lie like this. He was rather appalled at himself.

“She’s delighted. She had such a difficult time with little Miki here that I think she feels I got what I deserved.”

He handed the officer the completed forms and the cash for the bail. The cop looked at the name.

“Did your parents really name you Baby?”

“Unfortunately, yes.”

“That’s awful. Have you thought about changing it?”

“Daily. May I have my miscreant brother Zack and his inebriate sidekick now, please?”

“Of course.”

The officer led Sephiroth to the cell where Zack and Cloud were being kept, and Sephiroth sighed heavily as he gazed at the pair, passed out drunk on their cots. Zack was flat on his back, mouth hanging open, left arm dangling off the bed as he snored. On the other cot was Cloud, curled up into a knot under the blankets, only a tuft of hair visible. Sephiroth stared sourly at them, eyes narrowing. The cop walked into the cell and shook Zack by the shoulder.

“Come on you two, time to go.”

Zack swatted weakly at the cop. “Noooooo…. Just let me diiiieeee…”

“Not in my jail cell, buddy. There’ll be an investigation. C’mon, your brother is here to get you.”

“Brother?” Zack forced himself up on his elbows, and stared blearily at the tall figure in the doorway of the jail cell. His already grey complexion turned completely sheet white when he recognized the tall, elegantly dressed professor in the doorway, a little girl holding his hand. Zack grinned in a placating manner, eyes wide in contrition, and cringed.

“Hi.”

“Hello,” said Sephiroth, his voice pure ice.

“You’ve been bad,” chastised Miki.

The cop next woke Cloud, who sat up, rubbing his eyes. He looked over towards the door, freezing as he recognized his saviour.

“Oops,” he said.

“Come along, gentlemen,” purred Sephiroth coldly.

Wearing only the thin grey blankets of the jail cell cots, they meekly followed Sephiroth out to the car, where they were met by Reno, leaning against Cloud’s motorcycle.

“Hey, partner,” he purred, blinking those incredible green eyes that made Cloud melt. “So… only gone for the afternoon, hmm?”

“Hi Reno,” mumbled Cloud.

“Nice outfit. Gonna be a cold, embarrassing trip back home, yo.”

“Let’s just leave.”

“I should make you follow ten paces behind me.”

“Just take me home, please.”

“Okay. but if you lose that blanket, I’m not stopping.”

Cloud secured his blanket and got on the bike behind Reno, resting his face against his back as he slid his arms around his waist. They drove away, leaving Zack to his fate.

Miki climbed into the little blue car that Zack used as a back-up vehicle when the jeep wasn’t working, or, in this case, misplaced. Zack stared up at his husband, blinking.

“Um… I’m sorry?”

Sephiroth narrowed his eyes. “No you’re not. But trust me, you will be. I will make certain of that.”

“Baby I…”

“Into the car,” Sephiroth growled.

Zack meekly got into the car, Sephiroth walking around to the driver’s side and getting in. Zack watched him start the engine.

“You look beautiful,” he said softly.

Sephiroth gave Zack a cold, sidelong look. “If I were you, I’d be very, very quiet right now.”

***---***

They reached their little house on the hill. Zack carried Miki into the house and put her to bed, needing an excuse to get out of the line of his husband’s wrath. The child was asleep, so he simply undressed her, leaving her to sleep in the little pink slip beneath her dress. He covered her over and put the bunny in bed with her, stroking her hair before bending to kiss her head. Then, reluctantly, he walked out of the child’s bedroom, making his way down the short hall towards his own. He had a strange feeling that, somewhere, a choir was chanting.

Sephiroth was lying on his back on the bed, having shed the camel hair coat, but still wearing the glasses, his hair in a ponytail. Zack had to admit that the professor look suited him. But then Baby could probably make even that prison blanket look good.

“Hi,” said Zack softly.

“Just going for beer, were we? Back in an hour?”

“Well, see, the village doesn’t have a liquor store, and then we couldn’t find any place that sold off-sales, and… we… “

“Do you have any idea how worried I was? I was bloody frantic! And then there was Miki, wondering where the hell you were. It’s Tuesday morning! You left Friday! What if I had gone into labour? You’re lucky you even have a family after what you did.”

“I’m so sorry, Baby, I really am, I won’t do it again.”

“How in the name of the Life Stream did you end up in Midgar?”

“I don’t know. I think it had something to do with a bet we made with some guys about whether or not we could sneak into a cargo plane at the Costa del Sol airfield.”

“What were you doing at the airfield?”

“I dunno, it’s all a blur. Something about our cab driver wanting to ask out this female pilot. Then the next thing I remember, me and Cloud were running naked around a fountain in sector three yelling “I’m a pretty butterfly”. I guess someone called the cops.”

Sephiroth sighed heavily. “Zack…”

Zack walked over to the bed, sitting on it and taking his hand. “Baby I’m so sorry, please believe me, I won’t do it again.”

“Yes, you will. Admit it, Zack. You will. And frankly it’s my fault. You never get to play anymore and it’s because of me.”

Zack leaned forward and kissed him. “Baby if I didn’t have you, there would be no point in running off to play with Cloud, because if I didn’t have you then there’s not a damned thing on this planet that could make me happy.” He smiled, reaching up to brush his hand over one white cheek. “You are so damned sexy in those glasses.”

“You think so?”

“Oh yeah.” He lowered his head and kissed him softly. “Baby I love you. I’m sorry I had you scared.”

Sephiroth smiled slightly, reaching up to trail his fingers through Zack’s black hair, kissing his nose.

“Come to bed. You know I can’t sleep without you.”

“Yeah, okay. Just let me take a shower.”

Zack rose from the bed, turning to walk to the bathroom, the blanket low around his hips. Sephiroth cocked his head, noticing on the small of Zack’s back something that clearly had not been there when he left. It was an elaborate and exquisitely designed tattoo, bearing striking resemblance in style to some of the ‘nose art’ Sephiroth had seen on the nose cones of fighter planes. It was a black wolf, lying curled up, face screwed into a silly grin, one ear bent sideways by the tongue of an enormous white tiger lying beside him, a paw resting possessively on the wolf’s back. Beside the two animals lay a pair of crossed blades, one a slender and lengthy masamune, the other a broadsword. Standing on the white tiger was a tiny tiger cub with big green eyes, and between the forepaws of the wolf was an equally tiny wolf cub. The tattoo was still red and raw in places, and slightly swollen. Clearly it was done very recently; possibly at the air base where they had crept into the cargo plane. Sephiroth smiled.

“I love you, too, Zack,” he said softly.