Cosmic Debris

Rating: PG, but only because I think the mentioning of turds puts it up from a G.
Category: AU
Pairing(s): Cid/Vincent. Like there’s another.
Warnings: I suppose some people may call this out of character but… meh.
Summary: You can take the boy out of the Turks, but you can’t take the Turk out of the boy.
Notes: Fic for animama, because she needed a hug.

If you have never heard Cosmic Debris by Frank Zappa, do yourself a favour and listen to it. I love it. And there is something just so very, very Vincent about it. (I’ve always pictured Vincent as a DEEPLY strange little man under that quiet demeanour.) I decided that I had to share my mental image of it with the unfortunate.

The mystery man came over,
And he said I’m outta sight.
He said for a nominal service charge
I could reach Nirvana tonight.
If I was ready, willing and able
To pay him his regular fee,
He would drop all the rest of
His pressing affairs and devote
His attention to me.

But I said “Look here brother
Who you jiving with that cosmic debris?
Now who you jiving with that cosmic debris?
Look here brother, don’t waste your time on me.”

The mystery man got nervous
And he fidget around a bit.
He reached in the pocket of his mystery robe
And he whipped out a shaving kit.
Now I thought it was a razor
And a can of foaming goo,
But he told me right then when the top popped open
There was nothin’ his box wont do.
With the oil of Aphrodite, and the dust of the grand Wahzoo,
He said “You might not believe this, little fella,
But it’ll cure your asthma too.”

And I said “Look here brother
Who you jiving with that cosmic debris?
Now what kind of a guru are you, anyway?
Look here brother, don’t waste your time on me.”
(don’t waste your time)

”I’ve got troubles of my own,” I said,
”And you cant help me out.
So, take your meditations and your preparations
And ram it up your snout!”
”But I got the crystal bal!”, he said,
And held it to the light.
So I snatched it, all away from him
And I showed him how to do it right.

I wrapped a newspaper round my head
So I looked like I was deep.
I said some mumbo-jumbo, then,
I told him he was going to sleep.
I robbed his rings, and pocket watch,
And everything else I found.
I had that sucker hypnotized
He couldn’t even make a sound.
I proceeded to tell him his future, then,
As long as he was hanging around.
I said “The price of meat has just gone up
And your old lady has just gone down!”

And I said “Look here brother-who you
Jiving with that cosmic debris?
Now is that a real poncho or is that a Sears poncho?
Don’t you know, you could make more money as a butcher?
So, don’t waste your time on me.”
--Frank Zappa, "Cosmic Debris "

“Thank for coming with us, Vincent,” said Tifa. “It was really nice of you.”

Vincent said nothing, but he gave a little shrug. They had known him only a few weeks, and he rarely spoke, but he seemed to be a truly good soul, if an utterly unreadable one. Presently he was accompanying Tifa and Aeris through the streets of Midgar in quest of a clothing shop. Both were in dire need of new attire after Cloud, Cid and Barret got drunk one night and tried to find out once and for all why the toilets on the upper deck were so slow.

Yuffie referred to the incident darkly as ‘The Night of a Thousand Turds’.

Tifa and Aeris had brought Vincent with them because it just seemed safer to not go shopping alone, but they were beginning to wonder just who was guarding whom. He was tall, true, but he was impossibly thin, and seemed so shy and timid. The streets of Wall Market were alive with colourful characters, and the two women couldn’t help but feel they were there to guard Vincent. They finally reached the shop, and Aeris turned to look at Vincent.

“We’re here! Are you coming in with us?”

He backed up a step and shook his head.

“Oh why not?” said Tifa, pouting.

“I heard what Aeris did to Cloud,” Vincent said quietly.

Tifa giggled. Aeris rolled her eyes.

“Oh come on, I dress one man in drag and I’m branded forever. I would never put you in a blue silk dress!”

“No Vincent is more of a black leather miniskirt sort of man,” giggled Tifa.

“Ooooh with stiletto heels!” gushed Aeris. “With those legs he’d be hotter than the sun!”

“And a butterfly tattoo on his ankle,” said Tifa.

“Oh that would be cute. I bet he’s got great ankles too. Vincent show me your ankles.”

Vincent looked back and forth from one to the other, then backed up a step. Tifa sighed.

“You’re no fun.” She took Aeris’ hand. “Come on, let’s get in and get out. The last place I want to get caught by Turks is in a ladies’ dressing room in my panties.”

“Well so long as they are your panties you should be fine,” said Aeris.

“Eeyeewww…”

They went into the little shop and began looking through the clothes, trying to find something suitable for travel. Tifa glanced out the window at the tall figure outside near the shop wall, head down, arms crossed defensively, one foot raised to rest against the wall behind him. His ragged wild hair blew listlessly in the gentle breeze, obscuring his face. Tifa shook her head.

“Hard to believe he was ever a Turk,” said Tifa. “He just seems so lost and depressed. I wonder what his story is?”

“I don’t know,” said Aeris, “but it can’t be a happy one. It would take a heck of a lot to make me hide in a casket for thirty years.”

“Me too,” said Tifa. “I wonder if we could cheer him up?”

“Let’s buy him new shoes,” said Aeris. “That always cheers me up. And believe me, getting rid of those things on his feet would make me a happy girl indeed.”

“But then we still have to cheer Vincent up,” said Tifa. “Those rolled up breeches could go. I saw in a magazine that those pants were terribly popular thirty years ago. What were people thinking?”

“I have no idea, but the boy could use a makeover,” said Aeris. “Oooh! Pink silk skirt!”

“Perfect for climbing cliffs,” said Tifa.

Aeris pouted. She was about to put the skirt back, when she happened to notice one of the ‘local colour’ approaching Vincent. Aeris was quite familiar with him. His name was Benny the Guru, and when he wasn’t dispensing the wisdom of the cosmos to the gullible, he was picking their pockets for whatever he could get. Currently he was dressed in a sort of baggy, diaper-like loin cloth and a long tattered red cape. His dark hair was wild and at all angles, more or less tied down by a red silk headscarf. His beard was long and scraggly, nearly covering an impressive silver amulet about his throat, and his bare feet were filthy and covered in cracks and calluses. Fortunately, however, only Benny’s feet were filthy. He had learned quickly it was easier to get close to marks when one attended to one’s personal hygiene.

“Oh Lordie,” said Aeris. “Here comes Benny.”

Tifa rolled her eyes. “Is he coming into the shop?”

“Nope,” said Aeris. “He’s making a bee line straight for Vincent.” She sighed. “Let’s get out there and rescue him.”

“Who? Benny or Vincent?”

“Vincent. Benny can go fall off a log,” said Aeris, hanging up the item she had been admiring.

They walked out of the shop and paused near the entrance, watching as Vincent remained motionless, while Benny, resplendent in a tattered red cape which he used for stashing the small items he picked from the pockets of his victims, approached him. He seemed to think Vincent was the perfect mark.

“Man, you are out of sight!” exclaimed Benny, taking in Vincent’s strange attire and long tangled hair. “You look like a man in quest of answers from the great cosmos. You look like you are in need of love and direction. Tell you what, brother, if you are ready, willing and able to pay me my regular fee, I would be most happy to drop all the rest of my pressing affairs and devote my attention to you, to guide you on that great path to Nirvana. Now what do you say, brother?”

Tifa and Aeris watched as Vincent remained utterly motionless, silent for so long it was as if he had not heard a word Benny had said. Then, finally, he uttered one brief sentence.

“Don’t waste your time.”

Benny was undaunted. “Brother lending a hand to another fellow pilgrim on the road of life is never a waste of time! I got marvellous things to show you! I can show you the wisdom of the Ancients!”

Aeris raised and eyebrow and crossed her arms, her expression reading ‘oh really?’ Tifa covered her mouth to stifle her giggles. Benny reached into his red cape and pulled forth a rusting container that looked like one of the shaving kits issued to soldiers in the field. Gleefully Benny opened the kit, revealing the contents. He pulled out a can of something that may have once been shaving cream, but had since de-evolved into strange greasy oil, the label replaced with outlandish symbols and wild colours.

“My brother, if you will just let me reach out to you, I swear there is nothing I will not do to help you achieve balance.”

“Except leave me alone, apparently,” said Vincent. Benny kept on.

“This is the real thing, man! Look! I have in my hand the oil of Aphrodite, gathered in centuries past from the temples of her worshippers. And this!” He put the ‘oil’ back and pulled out a small glass bottle of the powdered toothpaste the troops used – gritty but efficient and pleasantly minty. “This is the dust of the great grand Whazoo himself! Lover of mankind and prophet, who communes with the spirits of the Ancients in their holy city!”

Tifa looked at Aeris. “What do you suppose the Ancients tell him?”

“I dunno but I can tell you what this Ancient would like to tell him,” said Aeris.

Benny kept going. “I tell you, little fellow, there is nothing this dust won’t do! It will even cure asthma!”

“I’ve got troubles of my own,” said Vincent. “And you can’t help me out. So take your meditations and preparations and ram them up your snout.”

Benny was flabbergasted. “You doubt the great Benny the Guru, he who has travelled the world, spoken to the Ancients, sat upon the mountain and pondered the ways of the infinite, and learned at the feet of Rikki Tikki Tavi? I can even foretell your future, I mean just so long as you’re hanging around.” He reached into his cape and withdrew a globe the size of a grapefruit. “See? I even got my own crystal ball, formed from mako so pure it runs clear as a mountain stream.”

He shoved the ball of sparkling glass under Vincent’s nose. Vincent raised an eyebrow.

“What kind of a guru are you, anyway?” he asked.

Benny was beginning to get a little annoyed by Vincent’s non-responsiveness. “I told you, I’m a pilgrim on the road of life, helping my fellow travellers.”

“I don’t think so,” said Vincent. “I think you’re a cheap con artist, and not a very good one.”

He moved so fast Tifa and Aeris were not certain they had even seen the motion. Before Benny could get his mouth open, Vincent reached out with golden claws and pilfered the ball of glass. He loomed over Benny, a tall spectral figure with blazing red eyes, transfixing Benny in cold terror as the two-bit con man suddenly realized that he had just met something truly supernatural. Vincent smiled coldly.

“Let me show you how it’s done.”

***---***

“So how was shopping?” asked Cid as Tifa and Aeris climbed back onto the Highwind with their purchases.

“Cid you wouldn’t believe it!” said Tifa. “Oh good grief. Our little Vincent got into it with a con man.”

“Well that doesn’t sound good, is Vincent all right?”

Tifa sat down on the deck of the Highwind in a most undignified pose, giggling helplessly. Aeris hung onto the railing, trying to get herself under control.

“Oh Vincent is just fine,” said Aeris. “But I don’t think Benny the Guru will recover anytime soon.”

“Well what did Vincent do?” Cid asked.

“It was brilliant!” said Tifa. “There’s this con man in Wall Market called Benny the Guru. He sells quack medicine and gives tarot readings and stuff like that, and if you stand still for too long he’ll pick your pockets clean of everything you have. Anyway… he locks eyes on Vincent and starts trying to sell him some of his snake oil. And Aeris and I went out to keep an eye on Vincent.”

“We should have been keeping an eye on Benny!” giggled Aeris.

“If I’d never seen it I never would have believed it!” exclaimed Tifa. “I had no idea Vincent would ever do such a thing!”

“I dunno about that, Vincent’s a pretty strange guy,” said Cid. “So what did he do?”

Aeris snorted and snickered. “Well he just sort of watched Benny go through his spiel for a while, then he says ‘let me show you how it’s done.’ Cid I wish you had been there!”

“He stole his scarf right off his head,” said Tifa. “Just picked it off and put it on himself. He grabbed the crystal ball so fast that Aeris and I literally didn’t see him do it. Then he goes into this…. bizarre incantation, and hypnotizes Benny on the spot! I mean Benny was like a statue, he couldn’t even make a sound. Vincent cleaned him out of absolutely everything, did it so fast we did not even see him do it, I mean it was truly amazing.”

“Then,” continued Aeris, “he uses the stuff Benny was passing off as mystic oils and dust and covers him in all these signs and sigils, tells him his future….”

“And I quote,” added Tifa; “The price of meat has just gone up and your old lady has just gone down.”

Cid’s jaw dropped. “Our Vincent?” said Cid, astonished. Tifa, unable to stop giggling, nodded in confirmation.

“Then he steals his cape,” said Aeris, “and as he’s leaving, he looks at the guy, and says… Tifa what did he say?”

“Buddy you could make more money as a butcher, so don’t you waste your time on me.”

Cid was gobsmacked. “Our Vincent?” he repeated.

Just then a lean form silently vaulted onto the deck of the Highwind, landing with spectral grace and silence, swathed in a long tattered red cloak that blew eerily with no wind, and a red silk headscarf. A strange amulet of solid silver, shaped like the triple headed dog Cerberus, hung from the handle of his gun. Saying nothing, Vincent flicked his hair and walked away. Cid watched him go.

“I don’t believe it!” he said, shaking his head.

“Believe it,” said Tifa. “We saw it. He was amazing. Aeris and I didn’t even see him pick the guy’s pockets and we were looking right at him.”

Cid turned his head to look at Tifa, as if something had just sunk in. “Picked his pockets, you said?”

“Yeah!” said Tifa, getting up and dusting herself off.

A look of surprise crossed Cid’s face. “The rotten little son of a bitch!” he exclaimed.

Aeris and Tifa exchanged puzzled glances, then looked to Cid. “What?” asked Tifa.

Cid stuck a cigarette in his mouth, looking annoyed. “I think I just figured out how I keep managing to ‘lose’ things that he always ends up somehow managing to ‘find’ for me.” He reached for his Zippo, and suddenly realized it was nowhere to be found. He sighed heavily. “VINCENT!”

“I think he wants you to chase him,” said Aeris, giggling.

“Assuming he runs,” added Tifa.

“He better run,” said Cid. “’Cause if he doesn’t I’m gonna spank his fine little ass! Vincent!”

A clawed gauntlet emerged from a doorway, the long golden talons holding a Zippo lighter between the thumb and forefinger, waving it tantalizingly. Cid sighed, taking the cigarette out of his mouth and putting it back in the pack.

“Decided to cut back?” inquired Aeris.

“Nope,” said Cid, and gave her a wicked grin, waggling his eyebrows. “Gonna save it for later.” He then turned and chased after Vincent, following the fluttering rags of the red cape deep into the ship.