Cyrano de Strife

Rating: PG
Category: AU
Pairing(s): None
Warnings: Disgruntled privates... No, the other kind.
Summary: Never abuse your privates
Notes:

“Yer left. Yer left. Yer left-right-left….”

“Shut. Up.”

“Aw don’t be that way!” said Zack. “Cheer up! It’s a beautiful day, the sun is high, the air is warm, the bees are buzzing…. Sephiroth is wearing that black leather coat that just does things to me…”

“…the underling is carrying your crap,” added Cloud.

“Well that is always a plus,” said Zack. “Oh man look at him, he is so FINE! There’s a party in my pants and you’re all invited.”

“Zack if they find out you’re gay they’ll kick you out of the military.”

“Well I’m not gay. I’m a man with two hands and absolutely no sense of right and wrong. WHOO! I’m gonna marry him some day.”

“They don’t let two guys get married,” grumbled Cloud as he stumbled along under the combined weight of his own pack, Zack’s pack, Sephiroth’s pack, and miscellaneous camping equipment.

“Oh, maybe not yet. But once they see the depth of our true love…”

“And once Sephiroth notices that you exist.”

“You’re just bound and determined to piss all over my fantasies today, aren’t you? Come on, Cloud! How can even you be pissy on a day like this?”

“Ten mile hikes carrying three packs tend to sour my mood.”

“BUT LOOK HOW BREATHTAKINGLY BEAUTIFUL THAT MAN IS!!!”

“I can’t. I would have to straighten up and I can’t do that under three packs.”

“He’s gorgeous. I want him.”

“Yeah and I’m sure he fantasizes about getting it on with an A.D.D. other-rank with hair like a porcupine’s ass all the time too.”

“Strife…. I’m trying really hard to like you. Don’t make me lower your rank.”

“You can’t threaten me, I’m already a private. I’ve got nothing left to lose.”

“How would you like to be on latrine duty?”

“I’m on latrine duty. And KP.”

“EYEW! Okay one of those will have to go.”

“I make really good apple fritters.”

“Okay, you’re off latrine duty. You may thank me.”

“I’ll thank you when you tell me I can put these packs down, as well as the other crap.”

“Oh quit whining, it’s only one tent and two beds.”

“And where the hell am I supposed to sleep?!”

“You have a bedroll.”

“Great. You and the General get a bed and a tent and I get to sleep on the ground with the snails.”

“Consider it communing with nature.”

“I’ll commune you right in the nuts,” Cloud mumbled.

“Did you say something?”

“I said I’d like to have some nuts.”

“Uh-huh.”

They walked up the low hill to the crest, which offered a beautiful view of the surrounding area. Nothing but grass and wild chocobos as far as the eye could see, and a sky of the clearest blue, untouched by clouds. Cloud set down the packs, and drew in a deep breath of sweet air. Springtime in Wutai. How could anything so lovely be real?

“It’s beautiful out here. I’ve never seen anything like it.”

“Yeah it is nice,” said Zack. His eyes strayed to Sephiroth. “How would you like to get promoted?”

“Who do I have to kill?”

“Just get that tall willowy piece of man meat to talk to me!”

Cloud sighed. “Zack I don’t know what to say to him. Besides, he’s a general as well as genetically perfect and having all the personality of a marble statue. What am I supposed to say to him? And why should I help you out after you made me carry those packs up the hill?”

“Because I’ll help you get promoted, I’ll get you anything you want!”

“Zack he’s a general! Is that computing with you? A general! You’re asking a private to play Cyrano de Bergerac to a demi-god for a dork.”

“I’m not asking you to sing opera to him for me, just talk to him!”

Cloud sighed. “Fine. I want a cheese pizza, and I want it delivered by that gorgeous little red-haired Turk I see sometimes.”

Zack rolled his eyes. “How am I supposed to get a Turk to bring you a pizza?”

“How am I supposed to get a general to look at you? If I have to try then you have to try.”

“Fine. Just….talk to him for me.”

Cloud sighed, and slowly approached Sephiroth. The man was beautiful, there was no denying that. He was also cold and removed, and just the smallest bit sad. Cloud had never spoken to the general, but he’d seen him many times, usually sparring with Angeal and Genesis. At least… before Genesis went away. Poor beautiful creature. Maybe he just needed a little comedy in his life, to distract him from his problems. And maybe Zack could use a little payback…

Cloud walked up to Sephiroth’s side, and cleared his throat nervously. “General Sephiroth, sir?”

Sephiroth was looking out over the plain, lost in the day’s beauty. “What is it, Private?”

“Well it’s about Major Fair, sir. I mean, he’s an excellent commander and I’m proud to serve with him, and he’s a really good man, but…”

Sephiroth sighed. “Out with it, Private.”

“He’s obsessed with your butt, sir.”

Sephiroth’s full attention abruptly fixed on Cloud, and one perfect eyebrow shot up. “With my…?”

“Yes sir. It’s all he ever talks about. How perfect it is, how round, how high, how hard, how he would like to take a greased cucumber and…”

The other eyebrow shot up. “What?!”

“Yes I even hear him muttering about it at night in his sleeping bag. By the way, the company is very low on the medicated hand lotion for treating blisters again. Shall I order more?”

“He’s obsessed with my…?”

“Yes sir. In fact he even asked me to come over here and talk to you so he could stand behind you and stare at it.”

Sephiroth’s green eyes became enormous, and he stared at Cloud. He blinked a few times, then cautiously glanced behind himself. Zack smiled and waved back.

“I still say he’s an excellent leader,” said Cloud, “but perhaps from now on you should make him walk ahead. It makes the troops nervous when he gets a lump on his pants and starts mumbling.”

“Yes. I can see how it would. Thank you, Private…?

“Strife, General. Private Cloud Strife.”

“Thank you Strife. Now go get the tents set up.”

“Tents, sir?”

“We do have tents, do we not?”

“Only one, sir. Major Fair’s orders. And two beds.”

“Two beds? Well that’s ludicrous, where did he expect you to sleep?”

“I think a better question is where did he expect to sleep, sir.”

Cloud could almost hear the hackles rising. “Thank you, Strife. I shall take it from here.”

“Yes, General.”

Cloud turned and walked back to Zack, who was positively wiggling with excitement.

“Did you tell him I liked him?”

Cloud just grinned. “Let’s just say he now knows you exist.”