Detour
(The Ultimate MPreg Fic)

Rating: PG
Category: If you need to be told this is AU, you need more help than anyone can give.
Pairing(s): None
Warnings: Swearing, Mpreg. LOTS of it.
Summary: Warnings are posted for a reason.
Notes: This was supposed to be a simple silly cheer-up fic for Maldy. And it still is. It’s just that for some reason the ghost of my best friend Shane popped in for a cup of tea, and she brought a couple of her favourite characters, as well as our old stomping grounds, along for the ride.

Special guest appearance by Shane’s two original characters, Vincent (aka ‘Vice’ or ‘Vicky’) Storm-Cravenshaw, and Richard (aka ‘Cage’ or ‘Cathy’) Smith. Also appearing; Guthrie, who is mine. Art by Animama.

For Maldy, from Rattie, Animama, and Shane.

“Wow,” said Barret. “Wonder what he tangled with?”

“Dunno,” said Cid. “But it sure as hell tangled back!”

Ahead in the distance was the quarry they had pursued over land and sea; Sephiroth. However it seemed someone had got to him first. His clothes were torn, his black leather coat slashed and burned. His white hair was stained the same shades as an Easter egg, tied up in great lacy bows and long ribbons, and his face was covered in make-up. He was limping heavily, walking as if he had been given a wedgie that had almost proved fatal, dragging his masamune blade behind him, the blade snapped in half. He was approaching, but it was clear he was not coming to fight. They simply happened to be in his way. He paused a few feet from the group, the insane glare in his eyes dulled by defeat and humiliation. Weaving as he stood, he raised a warning finger.

“I am so not in the mood for you people.”

Tifa, who probably had the softest heart of anyone on the planet, took out a hankie and dampened it with water from her canteen, approaching to gently wipe his face. It said much about Sephiroth’s current state of mind that he allowed her to do so.

“What the hell happened to you?” asked Cid. “You look like you got into it with the bastard child of a dragon and the Easter bunny!”

“Parrot,” said Sephiroth. He showed them a distance between his thumb and forefinger. “Little. Green. Parrot. Frothing at the beak.”

Barret just stared in astonishment. “You got your ass kicked by a parrot?”

“Yes. But not before it did something unspeakable to Mother.” Sephiroth held up the badly battered metal box in which he kept the severed head of Jenova. It was painted turquoise and puce, and from within could be heard the sound of weeping. “She won’t discuss it.”

Aeris and Yuffie exchanged sidelong glances. Sephiroth made a futile attempt to gather his dignity before once more resuming his slow, limping way.

“Now if you will excuse me, Mother and I are going to find a nice cave, have a cup of tea, and then I’m going to pick this thong out of my crack before I crawl into the bath to cry.”

“Wait!” said Tifa. “Where were you attacked by this beast? We’d like to avoid it.”

Sephiroth pointed back the way he had come. They looked in the direction he indicated, and saw a huge, dark, foreboding mansion, rising a full eight stories high. Despite the warmth of the sunny afternoon, a storm cloud hung over the house, dripping rain and rumbling ominously. The entire place was surrounded in darkness, save for a strange round dome of glass in the background, which was glowing. The property was surrounded by a tall black iron fence, the gate flanked by stone pillars topped with great stone wolves. Leading up to the house was a crooked stone path, and hanging on the fence was a simple sign with red lettering;

“ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK.”

Then, in black felt marker, someone had added;

“Risk it!”

Beneath this, in yet a third hand;

“Beware of the slut-eating tree.”

“Well I guess it’s a good thing Reno’s not here,” said Cid.

Cloud glowered at Cid, who just grinned and lit a cigarette.

“Hey that house wasn’t there a moment ago!” said Yuffie, as Cait Sith hid behind her leg. Nanaki raised his hackles and began to growl. Aeris reached for Tifa’s hand, and both huddled in fear.

“There is something very disturbing about that house,” said Aeris. She happened to glance at Vincent, and saw he had his hand on the butt of his gun, and was slowly backing away, eyes fixed on the sinister mansion. Clearly he felt the evil as well.

“It’s just a house,” said Cloud, though he didn’t sound convinced.

In the uppermost window, a soft illumination appeared.

“There’s a light,” said Tifa.

“Oh I am so not liking this set-up,” said Barret.

“Ah come on, it’s all right,” said Cid. “Let’s check it out.”

“Not me!” said Yuffie.

“Me either!” said Aeris.

“Count me out,” said Tifa.

“And me,” said Nanaki.

“Ditto!” said Cait.

“Well me, Barret, Cloud and Vincent will go. You ain’t scared, are ya Vince? C’mon.”

Vincent’s gauntlet cut deep gouges into the soft earth as he was dragged unwillingly towards the house. As they seemed to vanish into the velvet darkness surrounding the great manor, those remaining became aware of two men suddenly standing behind them. Tifa turned abruptly, gasping as she saw them.

One was a tall man with long pale gold hair, which was held back with a headband of braided leather. The other man was shorter, and stockier, with shortish dark hair. Both were dressed in jeans, boots, t-shirts and black leather jackets. They did not look like nice boys. In fact their very beings exuded the sort of psychotic indifference for life Sephiroth would have given his hair for. They smiled as she noticed them, and it was enough to make Tifa and her companions back up. The two men looked at each other.

“It’s been so long since we’ve had fresh meat,” said the blonde.

“Far too long,” agreed the dark-haired man. “And now we have two feedings in one day!” He held his hand out to his companion. “Coming, Vicky?”

“Wouldn’t miss it, Cathy.”

The pair walked forward, moving through the people before them like a cold gust, clearly no longer among the living. Hand in hand, the two entered the yard, and vanished like a soft mist.

Tifa, Aeris, Yuffie, Nanaki and Cait drew away from the gate, and waited.

***---***

At daybreak, Cid, Barret, Vincent, and Cloud returned, shell-shocked, battered, painted, covered in glitter, whipped cream, and sequins. Cloud had a make-up job on his face that a drag queen wouldn’t be caught dead in, as well as a dress to go with it, and Barret had been white-washed. Cid had on his t-shirt and boots, but his jeans had been replaced with a hideous pair of black patent leather panties with pink ruffles on the fanny, a red garter and fish-net stockings. He was clearly NOT in the mood to talk. Vincent was simply in tears, being led by a pretty little blonde man clad in leather pants, boots and black t-shirt. He smiled at Tifa as she approached, his beautiful blue eyes artfully shadowed to give him a fawn-like appearance. He extended a hand to her, but as soon as it reached beyond the gates of the house, it vanished. He withdrew the limb.

“Hi, I’m Guthrie. This is as far as I can go,” he said. He then made an effort to apologize for his friends. “They’re not bad people, they’re just… excitable. Really. I mean I’ve lived here for years, but… then again… I didn’t stroll in uninvited. You have to let us know you’re coming!” he gently chastised. “That way someone can make sure you don’t end up on the fifth floor. Please accept my deepest apologies.”

“I just want to hide in the bath and cry,” muttered Cloud.

“Thanks for bringing them back,” said Tifa.

“Oh, no trouble.”

Guthrie smiled and waved, then turned and walked back towards the dark mansion, softly vanishing into mist. Yuffie meanwhile just stared at Cid, Barret, Vincent, and Cloud.

“So… what’s on the fifth floor?”

“Just… don’t ask,” said Cloud. “Just don’t ever ask. If I never hear the words ‘fifth floor’ again I’ll die a happy man.”

“Or ‘bikini wax’,” said Barret.

Vincent just stood and cried, slowly picking sequins out of his hair. Cid leaned on his lance, and stared ahead, his expression grim despite the happy-face on the butt of his frilly panties. He put a cigarette between his lips and lit it, then placed lighter and pack back in the headband of his goggles. He took a long slow drag, then exhaled.

“Tapioca,” he said darkly. Barret and Cloud just nodded. Vincent cried harder.

“Didn’t Sephiroth say something about a small green parrot that was frothing at the…?” Aeris did not get a chance to finish her question. Barret put a hand over her mouth

“Do not mention…that… bird… again.”

“Sorry,” said Aeris.

“Come on,” said Cloud. “I think we have one meagre scrap of dignity left and I would like to keep it.” He began walking away, trying to pick something out of his butt as he limped along.

Tifa put an arm around Vincent, gently leading him.

“Poor Vincent. Did they hurt you?”

He shook his head, weeping.

“Frighten you?”

Again he shook his head, sniffling. “No. Everyone was really nice to me for some reason.”

Tifa was puzzled. “Then why are you so upset?”

Vincent sobbed. As he spoke his voice kept rising in pitch until it was a near-squeak. “I saw Barret and Cid dressed in frilly transparent baby-doll pyjamas having sex in a hot tub full of jello….” He burst into renewed tears.

“That would sure do it for me,” said Yuffie.

As the emotionally injured were led away, three lean forms clad in black watched from a nearby rise, like wolves on the hunt. As the group disappeared, the three men turned their attention to the strange mansion, settled firmly where no mansion had ever been.

“Let’s check it out,” said Tseng.

***---***

“Thanks for letting us stay,” mumbled Cloud. “We don’t really have anywhere else to go.”

Rufus Shinra nodded. “It’s all right. Seems rather silly to keep on with this whole ‘Promised Land’ nonsense in light of all that has happened. Besides, that was father’s grand scheme, not mine.” He winced, placing a hand on his large stomach. “I find these days just getting out of bed is adventure enough. It shall be a cold day indeed ere I go poking my nose where it does not belong once more. Tea?”

“Oh I’ll get it,” said Tifa. “You rest. Sephiroth? Would you like a cup?”

“Thank you,” he said quietly, adjusting his ponderous body.

Barret was sunk down into a chair, feet stretched out before him, glowering at his huge belly. “Yeah well at least you only have one inside you.”

“One’s plenty,” muttered Reno, trying to get comfortable, settling next to Cloud, who was equally huge.

“Two’s not so bad, once you… get used to the idea,” said Tseng as Aeris sat beside him, holding his hand. “Is it, Rude?”

Rude said nothing. Vincent walked into the living room, wearing his leathers, cloak, and gauntlet, gun on his hip and a baby in his belly.

“I look like a twat, don’t I?” he asked.

“Face it, Vincent, you’re as pregnant as the rest of us,” said Rufus, hand on his large stomach.

Vincent sighed, and seated himself beside Cid, taking his hand. There seemed to be little point in hiding their feelings for each other anymore. Not that Vincent quite remembered having feelings for Cid before entering the mansion, or for any man for that matter. But he must have. Clearly they were meant to be together. And poor Cid certainly needed someone, what with quintuplets on the way. Vincent kissed his face.

“Guthrie did tell you not to kick the rabid parrot. Or the rat in the hat.”

Cid growled. “Five. Five babies. All happy. All healthy. All normal-sized!” He snarled the last two words.

“Oh shut up,” said Nanaki from his daybed by the fire. “I’d be thrilled if I only had five! What bothers me is I did not even go into the cursed house, I stood outside the gate!”

“Yeah well at least you guys are living breathing mammals,” said Yuffie. “What I want an explanation for is that!”

All eyes turned towards the large basket near Nanaki’s bed, where Cait Sith was proudly washing three brand-new baby black and white kittens, purring loudly, and with a Scottish accent.

“I think I’ll give Reeve a raise,” said Rufus.

“Totally,” said Yuffie.