Family Time
Part One

Rating: PG
Category: AU
Pairing(s): Cid/Vincent
Warnings: Be afraid. Be very afraid.
Summary: The Highwind-Valentine family goes on vacation.
Notes: A big happy thank you to all the people who helped me to come up with plot bunnies for the fic for ani_mama. It was hard for me to choose just one, so I grabbed as many as I could hold in my hot little hands and stuffed them all into one fic.

Illustration by Animama

If you're already read this part and want to read the concluding part, click here

"Dad.”

“Uh huh.”

“Dad I’m trying to speak to you.”

“So speak already!” said Cid, picking up a sleeping bag and tossing in into the back of the family truck. Seventeen year old Benji Highwind opened his mouth to speak, and was bellowed over.

“AIDEN! GET YOUR PINK ASS OUT HERE OR I’LL KICK IT!”

“I’M DOING MY MAKEUP!”

Cid rolled his eyes. “THE BOUNDFATS DON’T CARE WHAT YOUR MAKEUP LOOKS LIKE!”

“WELL I DO!”

Benji stamped one foot. “DA-AD!”

“WHA-AT!” snarked Cid in the same tone of voice.

“I’m trying to tell you something!”

“What? That you’re gay?” Cid snorted. “I knew that since you put your teddy bear in a pink princess dress at age two. Hand me that cooler.”

Benji coughed, his blue eyes enormous, jaw hanging. He just stared at his father, who, after a moment, turned his head and looked at his eldest son.

“What? You really didn’t think I knew?”

Benji’s mouth worked soundlessly. Cid snorted.

“Benji the only people around here who don’t know you’re gay are the ones…. No actually I’m pretty sure they know too. Pass the damned cooler. AIDEN!”

“I’M COMING!!”

“SO’S THE SECOND COMING OF SEPHIROTH! BY THE WAY, YOUR BROTHER’S GAY!”

“OH YEAH THERE’S A NEWSFLASH. HEY DAD! THE SKY IS BLUE!”

“So everybody knew,” said Benji. “So my angsting about whether or not I should tell you for a week and a half was for nothing.”

“No, actually, it was funny as hell to watch. And why would you be scared to tell me anyway? Have you happened to notice that your mom is a man?”

“You said yourself mom’s a special exception for you. You don’t go for guys.”

“True that may be,” said Cid, “but what the hell gave you the idea I would feel any differently about you, anyway? We have gay friends all over the place, most of the people in Costa del Sol are gay, that’s why we live here, so we fit in with all the other freaks and fags.”

Benji shoved his hands into the back pockets of his fashionably faded and ripped jeans, long blonde hair falling over his handsome face, his off-white cotton sweater almost luminous in the early morning sunlight. He tossed his head, flicking his blonde hair back. It was funny how much the boy resembled a younger version of his father… younger and better dressed.

“You know my friend Jasper?” said Benji.

“Scrawny weedy little nerdlet? Yeah I know Jasper.”

“He told his family he was gay and they threw him out. Never mind his dad has had affairs with men and been caught and never mind how they are always paying lip service to tolerance and human rights and all that stuff.”

“Where did the kid go?”

“He’s living at a homeless shelter.”

“Well tell him to come here! He can have the guest room. Can’t have nerds roaming freely in the streets, they’ll be hanging out in dark alleys selling calculus equations and slide rules to unsuspecting college kids.”

“Really?” said Benji.

“Yeah really, call Weedy LaRue, he can come with us.”

Benji squeaked and hopped. “Daddy you’re the bestest daddy ever!”

He pounced on Cid and hugged him, then pulled out his cell phone. Cid just sighed and shook his head.

“And the kid wonders how we knew he was gay. AIDEN!”

“I’M PUTTING MY LIPSTICK ON!”

“ONE ENTIRE TUBE AT A TIME IS ENOUGH!”

“Oh you’re so funny. Have you seen Mom?”

“No! He’s probably hiding from all this warm family bonding. VINCENT!”

Silence. Cid straightened up and looked around.

“COME ON OUT, IT’S TOO LATE TO RUN AWAY AND HIDE NOW YOU SKINNY LITTLE SHIT!”

Cid was poked between the shoulder blades by a delicate and deadly sharp brass claw. Cid turned around and grinned, drawing Vincent close.

“Well hello beautiful.”

“Skinny little shit?” Vincent queried.

“I said it with love.” Cid kissed him. “Wanna play ‘ride the pony’ in the station wagon?”

“Maybe later.”

Cid nuzzled him fondly, kissing him. “You’re awful damned cute and sexy, you know.”

Vincent smiled, and returned the kiss.

“EYEW! Parents kissing in public! Well, later old folks, I’m off to the arcade.”

Cid forced himself to stop kissing Vincent in order to glare at his thirteen year old daughter, who had dolled herself up in a cute floral print dress and matching handbag. She even had bows in her silver-white hair.

“First of all, when do you dress up to go to the arcade, and second, you don’t have time to go to the arcade because we are heading north to Icicle Inn for skiing, hot-tubbing, and camping.”

“Well you can still go, I wanna stay here. Teddy and David can keep an eye on me.”

“Teddy and David are on the volcanic islands several thousand miles away and will not be here to make you pop tarts,” said Cid. “Get in the car. By the way your brother’s gay.”

Rhiannon snorted. “Big newsflash. Hey Benji, I have a big hole in my bum.”

Benji glared at her. “All right, so everybody knew, I get the point. Dad, Jasper wants to know if he should bring anything.”

“No, just ask him if he knew you were gay.”

Benji rolled his eyes. “WE GET THE POINT, DAD!”

“I’m off to the arcade!” said Rhiannon.

“No you’re not,” said Cid. “You’re gonna put some pants on so we can all go up to the Icicle Inn and watch your mother have panic attacks while we snowboard.”

“But I wanna stay here! I’m too old to be doing this dumb family stuff. And anyway why can’t we go to the Gold Saucer?”

“And who’s gonna pay for that?” asked Cid. “C’mon, get in the car.”

“But I don’t wanna! Family vacations are lame!”

Cid released Vincent, walked over to Rhiannon, picked her up and stuffed her into the car, then shut the door.

“Please tell me she’s the mail man’s,” said Cid.

“She’s Reeve’s,” said Vincent.

“Yeah that would explain a lot,” said Cid. “AIDEN!”

Aiden walked out, dressed in his Gothic glory. “Do I have to go? I hate Icicle Inn, everybody is so plastic.”

“That’s the way this thing works, every year one of us picks the destination so the remaining four are miserable. Last year was Rhiannon’s turn so we went to the pony farm. This year is Benji’s turn so we can go to the ski resort and fall on our asses in the snow and he can break an ankle and spent the vacation in front of the fire telling everyone he’s gay. Next year is your turn so we can all hide in the basement of some coffee house listening to bad poetry by a bunch of angsty little shits.”

“Dad you are such an uninformed conformist dork. You know nothing about being a Goth.”

“I have your mother for that.”

“Mom doesn’t even drink coffee! How can he be a Goth if he doesn’t drink coffee?”

“Because your mom is such a non-conformist he doesn’t conform to what the other non-conformists are doing. Get in the car.”

Aiden rolled his eyes and got in the car just as Benji was ending his cell phone call.

“Dad, Jasper’s not coming, his Aunt just showed up, he’s going to stay with her.”

“Good, glad to hear it.” Cid removed the sweater he was wearing and tossed it into the car. Beneath the sweater he was wearing a vibrant blue t-shirt with a brilliant swath of rainbow colours across the front. Emblazoned across the front were the words; “My kid came out of the closet and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.”

“I hate you so hard,” said Benji.

Cid just grinned. He got in the car, and was immediately confronted by an outraged thirteen year old.

“Do we have to drive?! This is SO LAME! Why can’t we take the air ship?”

“Because the nearest safe landing spot is a three day walk away,” said Cid. “If we drive we can stay nice and warm in the car, pull over, see the sights…”

“Why isn’t Skippy coming?”

“Because Skippy is so old he farts dust. He’s gonna stay with Cloud and Reno.”

“Well why can’t I stay with Cloud and Reno?”

“I have to pee,” whined Aiden.

“Can I have a pony?” said Benji.

“IF BENJI GETS A PONY THEN I GET A PONY TOO!”

“Nobody’s getting a fucking pony,” grumbled Cid. He looked at Vincent as he seated himself in the passenger seat. “Ready to go?”

Vincent sighed. “Are we having fun yet?”

Cid kissed him. “Soon.”

***---***

It was a long drive. They went to the ferry, took the boat to Junon, drove from Junon to Midgar following the new highway, then took the ferry to the northern continent. Cid was wondering what in hell possessed him to think a two day drive was a good idea.

“Mo-om!” said Rhiannon insistently, “I have to get to a bathroom!”

Cid glanced at his husband, wondering when Vincent was gonna change shape, burst into tears and fly back to Shinra Manor. They had camped out last night just outside the Mithril Mines, and ended up being infested by aggressive purple crab-like monsters. Cid tossed a few into a pot for dinner and the others seemed to get the hint. Rhiannon insisted on sleeping in the car where they couldn’t get her. Currently they were well-fed but tired, miles past Bone Village on the Northern Continent and hours from their destination.

“Can’t you hold it until we get to the next town?” said Cid. “I thought you went in Bone Village.”

“I need to get to a bathroom!”

Cid sighed. “Fine, I’ll pull over, you can go behind a bush.”

“Sick! No! I need a bathroom!”

“Rhiannon the nearest bathroom is ninety miles away,” said Cid. “Either go behind a bush or hang on.”

“Fine!” she grumped, slouching back in the seat, arms crossed. “Have fun scrubbing the big red stain out of the seat because I’m not gonna do it.”

The car screeched to a halt, and suddenly it was only Vincent and Rhiannon sitting in the old green woody. Rhiannon started to cry, and Vincent sighed.

“It’s all right,” he said quietly. “We’ll rig up a little space with blankets in the car and let you get cleaned up. Do you need new pants?”

“I don’t know!”

Vincent sighed again. “Well let’s rig up the blankets first…”

After finding his daughter some clean pants, underpants, and setting up a little impromptu change room, Vincent left the car to stand with Cid, who was smoking one of Aiden’s clove cigarettes and bitching about it.

“Tastes like shit!”

“Then why are you smoking it?” asked Benji.

“Because I’m out and I have to smoke something or lose my mind.”

Benji pulled out a black and gold case and opened it. Inside were cigarettes… but not any cigarettes Vincent had ever seen before. They were long, wrapped in bright pink paper, and the filter was wrapped with gold rice paper.

“Those are the gayest cigarettes I have ever seen,” said Cid.

“They’re made with real tobacco…” lilted Benji.

“Oh yeah? What kind?”

Benji put one between his lips and lit it, blowing the smoke for his father to sniff. “Fine rolled pipe.”

“Fuck it, give me one.”

Vincent took the cigarette from Benji and gave it to Cid. “Dancers don’t smoke,” said Vincent.

“I don’t smoke them, I just smell them.”

“Smell them while your father smokes them.” Vincent took the black and gold leather case from his son and gave it to Cid.

After a few minutes, Rhiannon came out, looking crestfallen and embarrassed.

“I’m done,” she mumbled.

“Great,” said Cid. “Let’s get back on the road. I want to be at the inn by nightfall.”

Rhiannon watched him get in the car. “Daddy your cigarette is pink. And it smells nice.”

“Don’t remind me. Are we done? Any more family disasters to tend to?”

“Benji’s gay,” said Aiden.

“I’m pregnant,” said Vincent.

Cid pointed at Vincent from over the room of the family station wagon. “That’s not funny, Valentine.”

***---***

They reached the inn by nightfall. It was the off-season, so it was reasonably quiet, for which Vincent was grateful. Normally Rhiannon slept with her parents on these little escapades, but being all of thirteen she wanted her own room. She was a grown lady and demanded her privacy.

‘Fine,” said Cid, “but if I catch you sneaking out I’ll nail the bathroom door shut and hide your tampons.”

“DA-AD! Mom, what made you marry this man?”

“He got me pregnant,” said Vincent.

“The part that scares me is you let him get you pregnant,” said Benji, hauling a suitcase out of the car.

“Well he is kinda cute,” said Vincent, nuzzling up to Cid, who responded by drawing him close and kissing him. There was a three-part harmonizing chorus of “Eeeeeeeeee-yeeeeewwww…..”

“Let’s just get inside before they sing ‘California Dreaming’ again,” muttered Aiden, hauling his black suitcase.

“Oh, yes, definitely,” said Benji.

“Hey we were good,” said Cid.

“Daddy, it is time to join hands and make the suffering end. Ooh! Search and rescue workers. Hello handsome…”

Cid grabbed Benji by the ear and twisted it. “He’s too old and you’re too young. Don’t make me kill him.”

“DA-AD!”

“Move your ass.”

“Can we eat something?” whined Rhiannon.

“We ate in the car,” said Vincent.

“Can we eat something that’s not cold, stale, and smells like that horrible cooler?” said Rhiannon.

“Fine. Get cleaned up and we’ll go into the restaurant,” said Vincent.

They checked in, found their rooms, cleaned up and made their way to the restaurant, leaving the unpacking for later. Vincent reluctantly left his cape in the room, wearing instead black boots, jeans, and a shirt with a matching full-length glove for his left hand, and a thin, high-necked sweater beneath to hide the scars around his throat. He left his hair wild, since it never combed out anyway, then looked at Cid.

“Well? What do you think?”

“I wanna be your pants.”

“We can discuss that after dinner.”

Cid drew him close and kissed him. “Okay, but you’re still the most beautiful man on the planet, and making me wait that long could cause me to explode.”

Vincent returned the kiss. “You can wait. The kids will be in bed early, and we will have all night. I noticed you got us the room with the hot tub on the enclosed private balcony.”

Cid chewed playfully on the neck of the black sweater. “Can’t have my beautiful baby feeling shy.”

Vincent smiled and kissed him. “What would I have ever done without you, Cid?”

“Hid in a coffin until it rotted around you and you had to go find an apartment.”

“Sadly that’s probably quite true.”

Cid hugged him close, then kissed him once more before releasing him. “C’mon beautiful, let’s get downstairs before the kids order the Moët et Chandon.”

They went downstairs to the restaurant, and found Benji flirting with the man who was laying fresh linen and dishes on the table. Cid smacked the kid with a menu.

“Behave or I’ll make you spend the week in your room.”

“I was just…”

“You’re seven-fucking-teen, knock it off because if you think I won’t publicly spank your ass then you haven’t been paying attention. If I find you sidling up to one more guy twice your fucking age I will split your lip and send you home. You got it?”

Benji sulked. “Fine. But the ones my age are all homophobic losers.”

“Then the gods are telling you that you’re too damned young. What are you having for dinner?”

“Oh they have chocobo egg soufflé, I’m having that.”

“You would,” said Aiden.

“And what are you having, there, Happy?” asked Cid.

“Whole braised rabbit. I like it when my food looks murdered. I’ll paint it in ketchup to heighten the fact that it was once alive.”

“You’re gross,” said Rhiannon. “I wanna have the Princess Burger.”

“And thus the vicious cycle of fantasy verses cold reality spins yet again,” said Aiden.

“It comes with a piece of cherry chocolate cheesecake,” said Rhiannon. “I’ll share it with you.”

“Good, I could use some chocolate right about now,” said Aiden. “My back is killing me.”

Cid cast a glance at Vincent. The two said nothing, but both had a feeling that Aiden resembled his mother in more ways than one. Certainly his bouts of moodiness and craving chocolate seemed rather… predictable and cyclical.

“I’m gonna have a large bleeding hunk of dead animal,” said Cid. “What about you, babe?”

“I don’t know, it all looks so… processed…”

Cid rolled his eyes. Ah yes, dinner out with Mr. Germy-phobe. He can sleep in a maggot-riddled coffin, but just try to serve him food from a kitchen recently voted the cleanest and best maintained of all the resorts.

“How about the steak? You like steak. And it hasn’t been ground so you don’t have to slowly disassemble it looking for icky things.”

Vincent considered that, then nodded. “Okay. Steak.”

“See? Now how hard was that?” Cid adjusted his chair, looking both thoughtful and annoyed. “This chair is wobbly.”

“The chair is fine, Cid,” said Vincent.

“I hate wobbly chairs.”

“The chair is fine. Let’s not do anything to horrify the normals.”

“It just needs this screw back here tightened…”

“Cid… please… just ignore the loose screw. Cid I swear if you do anything to mortify me…”

“I’m not gonna embarrass you, I’m just gonna…”

Cid twisted in the chair in order to fuss with the loose screw. It was a beautiful, elaborate chair, crafted partly of wrought iron made to look like vines, leaves and branches, and partly of wicker. It was a veritable piece of art, and probably worth a few hundred gil. Try as he might, Vincent could not shake the image of Cid somehow breaking the lovely thing.

“Cid, please…”

“Hang on, I just about…”

Whatever Cid did, it was impressive. He somehow seemed to slip and fall into the ironwork, caught and held fast by his arm and head in a tasteful array of iron leaves. Vincent slapped both hands over his face.

“It’s fine,” grouched Cid. “Just give me a second…”

“Cid please let me call the manager,” said Vincent.

“No, it’s fine! I’ll be out of here in a minute! Just give me a…”

Cid somehow slipped further into the clutches of the man-eating chair. Vincent, Benji, Aiden and Rhiannon stared in horror at Cid as the host approached and cleared his throat.

“Is there a problem?” he asked, as Cid slowly fell over sideways and onto the carpeted floor. Vincent seemed to become even smaller.

“Our dad’s a moron,” explained Rhiannon.

“I am not a moron!” growled Cid.

“Perhaps your lovely mother would care for a highball,” said the host. “Mr. Valentine, a pleasure to see you again. I was here the last time you were through and have followed the adventures of you and your friends closely. Might I compliment you on your charming children.”

“Thank you,” said Vincent softly. “I’ll have a Captain Jack*. Make it a double.”

“Of course. I will have our handyman come free your husband from his… situation.”

“I can free myself!” grumbled Cid.

Vincent was swiftly served his drink. He slowly picked it up and had a sip as the handyman approached, carrying a welding torch.

“Just hold still, Mr. Highwind, we’ll have you out of there in no time!”

“Easy with that cutting flame!” The tangled lump on the floor bumped and wiggled, then grew still. “Hey Benji, what did I tell you about wearing my silver capped boots?”

“They were bored and lonely,” said Benji, reaching for one of his pink cigarettes.

“Hey!” said Rhiannon. “The Princess Burger also comes with my choice of soda or iced tea. Can I have the iced tea Mommy?”

“If you like,” said Vincent weakly as the smell of hot iron filled the room, and the other diners discreetly fled.

“Bet they won’t include this in the brochure,” mumbled Aiden, poking at the ice in his water.

“So,” said Benji to Vincent, “what first attracted you to Dad? His looks? His charm?”

“You’re not too big to spank you know,” growled Cid.

The handyman stood up. “Well the torch doesn’t seem to be cutting. I’m not sure why. It just seems to be making the metal hot.”

The lump on the floor bumped. “Is the flame turning green when it hits the metal?”

“Yeah, sort of a pale white-hot green.”

“What does that mean?” asked Rhiannon.

“Means the person who made the chair mixed it with a type of mako-infused iron,” said Benji. “Dad won’t be getting out of there any time soon.”

The lump bumped angrily. “Look I got in, I can get out. Just give me… a moment.” The bumping lump bumped mightily, tossing in a few muted swear words. “Benji give me a hand here…”

A waiter arrived with their orders, followed by the host. “Mr. Valentine we have summoned the rescue workers. Would you and your children care for another table?”

“Yes please.”

“Hey!” said Cid. “You can’t leave me like this!”

“We’re not leaving you, Daddy,” said Benji soothingly.

“We’re just going to a part of the restaurant where people won’t know we’re related,” said Aiden.

A hand waved from over the edge of the table. “Hey I brought you into this world…”

The family ate their meal. Vincent had five highballs, and after that seemed far less concerned about the plight Cid was in. The rescue workers had arrived, as had the heavy equipment. The mako-infused iron cheerfully refused to give so much as a millimetre, so they had shifted to plan B – cutting off some of Cid’s clothes and rubbing him with butter. After all he fell into the chair, it stood to reason he should ergo be able to fall out.

Rhiannon, Benji and Aiden retired to Rhiannon’s room to watch movies.

At a quarter to eleven, just five hours after he got into that mess, Cid Highwind was extracted from the chair. His condition was pissed off with mild abrasions and profound loss of dignity, but he was basically all right. And the dining room chair had survived the ordeal without so much as a scratch.

“That chair is a menace!” Cid informed the host.

“Sir we have had those chairs here for three years, and so far you are their first victim.”

Cid glowered at the man, then turned to Vincent. “Still speaking to me?” he asked.

“No.”

“Aw come on.”

“I am not talking to you.”

“Well…. There must be something I can do to make it up to you.”

Vincent gave him the Annoyed Drunken Vampire Glare of DOOOOOOOOOOOM, and left the restaurant to go to his room. Cid followed after him, clothes ruined, body bruised, his flesh smeared in butter and lard.

“Aw baby come on, don’t be that way! Come on, let me make it up to you. I’ve done way worse shit than this! C’mon, we’ll pour a nice bath and play helpless victim and the evil burglar.”

Vincent slipped into the room and shut the door. Cid sighed.

“Vincent, I have a key.”

The chain lock was drawn audibly. Cid sighed again.

“I’ll sing. Right here. I’ll do it. I’ll sing the entire score of Cats. Don’t press me, babe.”

The door opened and Cid was yanked inside. Cid closed the door behind himself, and drew Vincent close, sensing resistance. He cuddled him, kissing his brow.

“I’m sorry, okay? I really am. I’m sorry I got eaten by the restaurant chair and embarrassed you. I won’t do anything else stupid for the rest of the trip.”

Vincent stared at him blearily with drunken solemnity. “You promise?”

“Cross my heart.”

“Well… okay.” Vincent stood on his toes to kiss him. “C’mon. Let’s try out the king-sized bath.”

* * * * *

Captain Jack - Captain Morgan Spiced Rum, Jack Daniels Whiskey, & root beer

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