Hazy Day

Rating: PG
Category: AU
Pairing(s): None
Warnings: Naked Turks.
Summary: Elena gets hazed, but Heidegger is the one who suffers for it.
Notes: Just a brain fart that escaped.

Had to be Rude’s work. Had to be. Reno recognized the handiwork. He peered carefully at the thread strung across the hall, trained eyes following the line up the wall to a beam far above his head; a decorative arch of wood designed to give the hall a touch of elegance. After all, this was the floor where Rufus Shinra presided over his empire. Couldn’t have the place looking trashy.

Reno sighed. “Rude, if you are going to haze the new kid, at least make an effort, yo.”

Reno carefully restrung the simple trap that would bring five balloons full of liquid down on the unwary. Trouble was, Turks were anything but unwary. Once the trap was laid more to his liking, Reno proceeded on down the hall to the huge office where Rufus would already have been working for hours.

Tseng was the next one to find the trap.

“Incompetent,” was his verdict. He restrung it, using two lines this time, one at shoulder height, the other at knee level, and left the previous string dangling so it would look as if it had already been sprung. Then he too went on his way to the enormous office, sipping a latte.

Elena arrived five minutes later, and was offended.

“Guys, I may be new to the group, but I’m not a moron. Honestly. However, I am short and I am not afraid to use it.” She then made good use of her height and stepped between the lines, leaving the trap in place before going into the office.

“Morning!” she sang out brightly.

She sensed disappointment from her three companions. Oh well. She went to the table where coffee and doughnuts were always laid when they arrived in the morning, only this time the pot was empty and the doughnut box was empty.

“Hey, what gives?” she asked.

Tseng walked over to see what she was talking about, picking up the empty coffee pot.

“That’s odd. Who normally makes the coffee?”

“Rufus,” said Reno. “Except Thursdays because he comes in late.”

“Well what day is it?” asked Elena.

“Wednesday, isn’t it?” said Rude. “I was sure it was Wednesday.”

Elena pushed back her sleeve to look at her watch. “Uh-uh. Not by my watch. It’s Thursday.”

A wave of silent horror rushed through the four, just as the door was pushed open, and unvoiced rage, like the slow encroachment of nerve gas across a battlefield, flowed into the room. Rufus Shinra was soaked. He was also blue, green, orange, yellow, and purple. The colours soaked his hair and ran down his face, dripping onto his trademark white coat, which was no longer white. It was streaked with psychedelic hues, dripping with watercolour paint, and leaving little trails behind him.

“Sir…” began Tseng. “I…”

Rufus held up a warning finger, and Tseng fell silent. He almost cringed. Rufus walked through the office, stalking past his Turks like a dragon on the hunt, blue eyes luminous with rage. He went into his office, his anger trailing after him like a noxious steaming vapour. He closed the door.

“We are so dead,” whispered Elena.

The others nodded. They awaited their fate in silence. Minutes later, Heidegger swaggered in, fat and pompous as ever, and looking very smug indeed to have been personally summoned by the president himself. Heidegger went into the office, closed the door, and all hell broke loose.

“Just what do you have to say for yourself, you fat moronic sack of crap?”

“Sir I haven’t the fai…”

“What did I tell you and your half-wit underlings about hazing? I appoint a new Turk and you and your phallicly-challenged tail-wagging military morons think that gives you the right to come up to MY floor and lay imbecilic traps?”

“But sir!”

“You DARE bring your brainless traditions to MY floor, to MY Turks? You want to humiliate the poor girl?”

“But I..!”

There was the loud crash of something shattering against the wall in the general vicinity of Heidegger’s skull.

“You’ll speak when spoken to, you lard-sucking waste of an orgasm! If I so much as even think I smell your fetid stench on this floor again I will see you scrubbing toilets in a boot camp in Hell! NOW GET OUT!”

Heidegger staggered out of the office, still attempting to splutter an explanation, Rufus stalking after him.

“Sir! I…!”

“Get your sorry sagging ass down to maintenance and get something with which to clean that mess up! And I do mean YOU! I have business associates arriving soon; I’ll not have my hall looking like a romper room for hyper-active children!”

A small drop of wet paint was flung onto Reno’s cheek as Rufus shoved his dripping hair out of his face. Rufus took a silk handkerchief out of his pocket and wiped the droplet away.

“Bastard thinks he can blame you for everything, doesn’t he?” said Rufus as if he were speaking to a prized cat. He kissed Reno’s face, then glared at Heidegger. “Well what are you waiting for, you sack of crap? MOVE!”

Rufus stalked back into his office, slamming the door. Heidegger stood, jaw hanging, wondering how he had managed to take the fall for something he didn’t do. Of course it never occurred to him that it was the logical conclusion for Rufus to jump to. Heidegger had been disciplined for hazing before, including one incident that had left a new security guard emotionally as well as physically scarred. Rufus’ father had dismissed the occurrence as not being worth his attention. But Rufus was not his father, and he tolerated such antics not at all. And so far as Rufus Shinra was aware, his Turks knew better. Ergo the paint had to be Heidegger’s doing. What Rufus failed to realize was that of course his Turks knew better. That was why they took care not to get caught.

Heidegger turned and looked at Rufus’ Turks, all just as cute and innocent as lambs. His teeth creaked audibly as he ground them together.

“Mark my words,” he snarled, failing to realize that the door to Rufus’ office had opened once more. “I shall not rest until I have slaughtered each and every one of you personally!"

The silence was thick, and heavy. Slowly Heidegger became aware of a fiery sensation at the back of his head as Rufus’ eyes blazed holes into his skull. Heidegger closed his eyes and winced.

“Crap,” he muttered.

Slowly he turned, facing Rufus, who was well beyond angry. There were no descriptive words for the level of rage he had achieved. Rufus just stared, waiting until he could formulate a sentence. When he at last spoke, his voice was very, very quiet.

“Tseng?”

“Yes sir?”

“If at any point you feel Heidegger here is a threat to the personal safety of any of you, please feel free to eradicate him.”

“Yes, sir.”

Slowly, quietly, Heidegger backed out of the office, heading off to do as he was told, watched the entire time by blue eyes that were coloured a strange shade of psychotic. Reno began making the coffee, as he always did on Thursdays, while Rude crept off to get the doughnuts. Elena quietly cleared her throat.

“Sir?”

Rufus was still staring after Heidegger like a demented falcon. “Yes, Elena?”

“I can probably get the paint out of your coat if you like. Best to try before it dries.”

“Oh, well, if you don’t mind. It’s hardly in your job description.”

She shrugged. “I don’t mind.”

Rufus handed her his white duster, and left the office to wash the paint out of his hair. Once he was gone, Elena looked at Tseng with large eyes.

“Are we really going to let Heidegger take the fall for this? We know he didn’t set that trap!”

Tseng just smiled. “Elena, sometimes even when someone is accused unjustly, it is still an act of justice. I think in this case we should just let the chips fall where they may.”

“Well… okay. If you say so.”

Elena departed with the coat. Reno made coffee, and Rude returned ten minutes later with every cream-filled doughnut he could find.

“Rude, what is it with you and cream-filled doughnuts, yo?”

“I like them.”

Reno smiled. “Why don’t you come to my place later? I’ll be the doughnut and you can be the thing that puts the cream in.”

Rude munched a doughnut. “Tseng, Reno is sexually harassing me.”

“Again?” Tseng walked over to the table to examine the doughnuts. “Any lemon ones?”

Elena meanwhile carried the white duster into the women’s locker room, and realized she had a problem. The coat was too big to fit in the sink. She held it up by the shoulders and looked it over.

“Geez, Rufus, I like tall men, but you’re a two-day trip.”

She considered what to do, and then an idea came to her. Making her way to the shower area, she undressed, hanging her uniform up. Taking a hanger with her, she then put on the long white coat and stepped into the shower. The idea worked brilliantly. The warm water rinsed away most of the paint, and a bit of hand soap took out the rest. The duster was soaked, but it was once more white. She hung it on the shaped wooden hanger from the shower head to drip dry, then stepped out of the stall, looking for a towel…

And ran into Heidegger, who was stark naked.

The interesting thing about Elena’s reaction was that, had the man in front of her been Reno, or Rude, or even Tseng, she would have nudged him out of her way and not batted an eyelash. Though only recently promoted to the Turks, she had worked with them many times, and in the field privacy and modesty were not always options. She had seen them naked, they had seen her naked, she was past the point where she cared if one of “my guys” saw her in the buff. But this was not one of “my guys”. This was Heidegger. Naked. In the women’s locker room. She did not know this was an honest mistake. On the lower floors, the men’s and women’s locker rooms were reversed, and he had marched into what he assumed was the men’s locker room to clean off from wiping up paint. All she knew was he was there before her in all his pasty glory, and she did something she had never done in her entire life.

She screamed her fool head off.

Reno got there first, saw Elena, saw Heidegger, and jumped to the same conclusion Elena had; the bastard was up to no good. He’d threatened all of them less than an hour ago, and now here the son of a bitch was, in a place where he had no business being.

“This isn’t how it looks!” Heidegger blurted.

“Son of a bitch was watching me!” shot Elena, who had darted back into the stall and was covered with only a shower curtain.

Reno growled. Heidegger swallowed, becoming more worried as Rude and Tseng prowled in, followed by Rufus. Heidegger was in a sweat.

“If you will just listen I can explain!”

“Heidegger you are on suspension pending an investigation of this matter,” said Rufus. “Escort him to his car, would you, boys?”

“But… can’t I get dressed first?”

Reno snapped his rod out, a crazed gleam in his eyes. Heidegger decided his best bet was just to run. He tore out as fast as his naked butt would take him, trailed hotly by Tseng, Rude, and Reno, leaving Elena and Rufus alone. They glanced at each other, suddenly slightly uncomfortable.

“I... got the paint out,” said Elena.

“Oh? Well… good. I’m glad. I quite like that coat.”

Silence.

“Care to come in for a cup of coffee?” asked Elena, indicating the shower stall.

Rufus grinned. “I thought you’d never ask.”