Murder Most Fowl

Rating: PG
Category:
Pairing(s): Zack/Sephiroth.
Warnings: Chicken murder.
Summary: Zack gets rid of a pesky bird.
Notes: Loosely fits into the 'Rabid Tiger' AU

I called my mom today for Mother’s Day, and she told me this story about something that happened when she was a kid. It kinda turned into a ficlet.

The day was sunny, quiet, and peaceful. The light shone through the windows, turning the inside of the little house green and gold. Soft music played on the small CD player, Akira was asleep in his crib, and Miki was at school. Sephiroth was currently off dealing with a pack of fire-hounds that had been bedevilling the little village at the base of the hill. It would have been a very large task for Zack, but, for the mighty Sephiroth, fire-hounds were mere annoyances. For starters, their main weapon was utterly ineffective on him.

So Zack had the day to himself. It was a wonderful feeling. He made himself a cup of tea, and lay on the couch, reading, basking in the peace. His harmony however was suddenly interrupted by the sound of a violent cock-fight going on in the yard. Zack knew exactly who the combatants were, and he leapt off the couch, swearing.

“Son of a fucking bitch is killing Harold!”

Zack raced out of the house, leaping over the porch rail and heading for the chicken coop. There, as he knew he would, he saw Harold, their fat, aged, but very much beloved rooster, getting his ass kicked by a smaller bird with long, brilliant plumage. Zack had no idea who owned the bird, or if it was wild, but this was not the first time the little rotter had shown up to cause trouble. The bird routinely came into his yard, ate feed meant for his chickens, bred with his layers to create undersized and horribly aggressive birds no good for meat or eggs, and now it was trying to kill Harold. Usually when Zack caught the rogue rooster he simply ran it off, but today there would be no reprieve. That was it, no more. Harold was bleeding and struggling when Zack pounced on the smaller bird. He promptly wrung its neck, then dropped the feathered corpse onto a stump while he went to look over Harold.

The large red bird was stunned and bleeding, but Zack had no idea how badly he was hurt. He finally decided just to put him in a nesting box, bring him into the house where it was cooler, and see if he would recover. He placed Harold in his box on the dining room table, put some water and feed within easy reach, then went to go collect the body of the smaller chicken Zack had long ago dubbed ‘Asshole’. He picked the bird up by the neck and looked it over.

It was a beautiful creature; with long, dramatic wing and tail feathers, and almost looked more like a pheasant than a chicken. It was coloured a striking golden red, with long, black tail and wing feathers that glittered with a metallic blue or green, depending on how the light hit them.

“Pretty, pretty bird,” he said. He then brought the face close and stared into the fallen foe’s beady eyes. “But ya fucked with the wrong man’s chickens!”

He carried the bird into the house, dropped it on the counter and then took a large pot out of the cupboard. Filling it with water, he put it on to boil, preparing to dip the chicken in scalding water to loosen the feathers for plucking.

“I think we will have you roasted and stuffed,” said Zack. “I think I will derive a great deal of sick satisfaction stuffing bread and wild rice up your ass. Damned bird.”

So Zack plucked and cleaned and prepared the chicken, finally popping it into the oven stuffed with wild rice and nestled amongst small potatoes, baby carrots, and covered in broth and seasoning. Then, while his slain enemy slowly baked, Zack cleaned up, and set aside the vibrant long wing and tail feathers for Miki. Satisfied that order had been restored at last, Zack walked into the living room to see how Harold was doing. The old rooster had his head up and was looking around, and two of the hens, Esther and Mabel, had come in to see how he was faring. Zack gently shooed them out of the house, and was pleased to see his husband walking up the hill. He watched as Sephiroth paused on the path, hearing Miki shout to him.

“Mommy!”

Zack smiled as Sephiroth knelt to collect the little girl, then glanced at the clock. It was almost five. He had lost track of time. It was far later than was common for Miki to get home. Sephiroth picked the child up, and rose to his full impressive seven feet.

“You’re late,” he said, picking a bit of grass off her cheek.

“I know. I was helping my friend Sally Hodges.”

“And what were you helping Sally with?”

“We were looking for her pet chicken, Rowdy.”

The smile abruptly fell from Zack’s face, and he looked worriedly towards the oven.

“Where did you find him?” asked Sephiroth.

“We didn’t!” said Miki. “And we looked everywhere! And Sally was really upset, she was crying so hard. She taught him tricks and he can dance and all sorts of stuff. He has a parrot stand in her room where he sleeps.”

“Well perhaps Rowdy is just visiting some of the wild chickens that live around here. I’m sure he will come home when he gets hungry. What does he look like?”

Zack closed his eyes and braced himself for the description, grimacing.

“He’s a Wutai Fighting Cock. He’s all shiny reddy-gold, and he has long-long-long feathers on his wings, and long-long-long feathers on his tail, and they look black but in the sunlight they shine all sorts of colours.”

“Well he sounds lovely. We will keep an eye out for him, okay? I am sure he is just off having a little adventure.”

“Oh he’s having an adventure all right,” muttered Zack, staring towards the oven. “A real once-in-a-lifetime experience.”

He dashed into the kitchen and grabbed up the carefully bundled feathers, stuffing them into a bag and shoving them into the trash, suddenly realizing with horror that the kitchen garbage pail was filled with red-gold feathers and chicken guts. He tied the bag closed and hauled it out of the can, heading out the back door and sneaking around to the larger outdoor garbage cans and dumping the bag in, slamming the lid closed. He then ran back the way he had come, franticly checking for any evidence of his misdeed. At the last second he saw a single golden feather on the floor. He snatched it up and was rinsing it down the drain when he heard Miki come into the house.

“Harold! Why are you in the house?” The child gently patted the old rooster. “I’m glad you are home, Harold. I’d be sad if anything happened to you.”

Zack wiped a last drop of blood off the sink, then stepped out of the kitchen, trying his damnedest to look innocent.

“Hi! I didn’t hear you two come in. Miki, honey, get washed up.”

“Okay.” The child went off to do as she was bid.

Zack turned to look at Sephiroth, and noticed his lover was staring at something on his head. Carefully, with one gloved hand, he reached out and delicately picked the thing out of Zack’s hair. It was a golden-red feather.

“Zack,” said Sephiroth, examining the plume, “do we owe Sally Hodges a Wutai Fighting Cock?”

Zack took the feather. “No. And we don’t know whose damned bird that was! That could have been anybody’s Wutai Fighting Cock!”

“Zack…”

“Look how can I possibly go up to a little five year old girl and say ‘hello honey, I’m the bastard who choked your chicken’?”

“Well I personally would phrase it a little differently.”

“Yeah okay fine. But it still comes down to me telling a child I killed her pet. And I wouldn’t have stuffed and roasted the thieving, fornicating, murdering little rat-bag had I known it was some child’s pet!”

“Well, how about this,” said Sephiroth. “We replace the chicken, and tell her that we found Rowdy and a fox had got him. We then caution the child against letting pets roam unattended, where bad things can happen to them.”

The oven timer chimed, and Zack flinched, closing his eyes. “Okay. I think I can live with that.”

“Good.” Sephiroth kissed him softly, touching his face. He then drew back and smiled, mischief in the eerie green eyes “So, I assume there is no need to ask what is for supper?”