Numb Skulls

Rating: PG
Category: AU
Pairing(s): Cid/Vincent, Cloud/Reno.
Warnings: None
Summary: Further proof that Cid should never be left alone when drinking.
Notes: Believe it or not this is a true story, as told to me by the Aussie who did it. Sadly there is a deplorable lack of materia in Australia, so his recovery took a little longer than Cid’s.

Cloud had never in his life heard Vincent scream at Cid. At best he had heard him raise his voice a little, but Vincent was not prone to screaming. He was a master of the cold silent treatment, and there had been the occasional night Cid had crept over to Cloud’s little yellow villa to sleep on the sofa until Vincent calmed down and the temperature in his own house rose. But as Cloud and Reno gazed at each other in astonishment, there was no doubt in either of their minds that what they were hearing echoing across the grass runway between themselves and the Highwind/Valentine household was Vincent screaming.

“Is that Vincent Valentine?” asked Reno as if he didn’t quiet believe what he was hearing.

Cloud listened. “Yeah… yeah that is definitely Vincent.” He sighed, then leaned forward to kiss Reno. “May as well go see what the idiot did to himself.”

“The idiot being Cid I assume, yo.”

“He’s the only idiot Vincent loves enough to scream at.”

Cloud left the villa, climbing up the short hill that took him onto the wide level green landing strip. Before the large stone house Cid was lying flat on his back, unmoving, while Vincent leapt around like a black and red chicken that had lost its mind. Cloud had never seen the silent little gunslinger so beside himself. Vincent did not even seem to know what language he was speaking, though Cloud definitely caught “Idiot,” “Moron”, and “Retarded asshole.”

Whatever Cid had done, it had to be good. Cloud walked over to the prone form, crossing his arms, staring at Cid, who was smoking as usual.

“All right, Highwind, what did you do?”

“It’s nothing,” grouched Cid.

“It’s a fucking compression fracture of the neck!” Vincent screamed.

Yeah well that certainly explained Vincent’s hysteria.

“How did you manage that?” asked Cloud, keeping an eye on Vincent who looked ready to either change shape or explode, possibly both.

“Well ya see,” said Cid, “I bought these cute little goats to help keep the runway trimmed. There’s three of them, a little baby, a half-grown nanny, and this ram. They’re cute.”

Cloud sniffed the air as something caused his eyes to start watering. “Wow. Cid have you been drinking? The alcohol wafting off of you would float a dirigible.”

“I had a few. Anyway… I was sitting here watching the baby bounce around, and I thought, what the hell. So I got down on all fours and played a little head-butt with the baby.”

Cloud closed his eyes. “Oh I can so see where this is going.”

“After a while, the little female came over and wanted to play, so… fine. I put on a motorcycle helmet and head-butted with her for a while. Then the ram shows up, and I thought… y’know, since I already had my helmet on…”

“He flew backwards eight feet,” said Vincent. “Benji came tearing into the house screaming that the goat killed Daddy. I now have a toddler with a pathological fear of goats.”

“He’ll be fine,” mumbled Cid.

“Do you still have that Master Heal materia?” asked Vincent.

Cloud pulled it out. “Never leave home without it. You never know when it will come in handy. Lie still Cid.”

Cloud used the rare and powerful materia to carefully mend the fractures in Cid’s neck, then, when he was satisfied they were healed, he carefully helped Cid to his feet. Instantly Vincent was embracing him tightly. Cid smiled, stroking Vincent’s long back.

“Don’t worry, I’m okay. Take a lot more than a goat to do me in.”

“You’re fine?” said Vincent. “Really? You’re okay?”

“Baby I’m just fine.”

Sniffling, Vincent drew back. “Good.”

As Cloud watched, Vincent hauled off and punched Cid with every ounce of strength he had. Cid’s head snapped back as he stumbled a few steps, holding his nose. Blood gushed in a torrent.

“You bastard! Never worry me like that again!”

Vincent fled into the house as Cid sank to his knees.

“This has not been my fuckin’ day,” he grumbled. Cloud just sighed and knelt down beside him, healing Cid’s broken nose.