Winnie the Pooh Versus Vincent Valentine

Rating: PG
Category: AU
Pairing(s): Cid/Vincent
Warnings: See Author’s notes.
Summary: Cid finally goes too far.
Notes:

“Can too!” said Cid.

“Can not!” said Barret.

“Can too, too!”

“Highwind, you’re drunk and fulla shit.”

“I MAY BE DRUNK BUT I CAN STRIP! I CAN DO ANYTHING, I’M CID FUCKING HIGHWIND!”

“PROVE IT!”

Vincent watched as his husband of many years finished his beer, rose to his feet, stepped onto his chair then onto the table, and began dancing. He sighed quietly.

“Cid…”

“Hold on, baby, I gotta prove a point to this numbskull.”

“I would really rather you didn’t,” said Vincent, as Barret put on stripper music and Tifa dove to save her mugs. Vincent watched as Cid began slowly and clumsily struggling out of his blue t-shirt while the few remaining customers in Tifa’s bar decided they’d had enough for one night.

“Cid…” said Vincent. He stopped speaking as the t-shirt landed on his head. He disdainfully picked it off with his long brass claws, while Cid, Barret, Yuffie, Cait Sith and Aeris cheered and hooted. The next thing to come off was the aviation goggles.

“I’m going to have to stop letting Cid have his birthday parties here,” said Tifa.

“You think I want him doing this in front of the kids?” said Vincent. He watched a work boot go flying, then another. “I don’t think I’m old enough to see this.”

“Vincent? He’s getting ready to take his pants off.”

Vincent stared in horror, and watched, mortified, as his husband indeed was dropping his pants to the hoots, jeers, and encouragement of his friends. The belt came off, the fly was unbuttoned, and the worn denim garment was dropped to reveal….

“IT’S A WINNIE THE POOH THONG!” shrieked Yuffie. “WHERE THE HELL DID YOU FIND A WINNIE THE POOH THONG?!

“I’M BLIND!” screamed Barret, as Aeris stuffed in a single gil bill. Cid was indignant.

“A gil?! You put in a gil?!”

“Well I would have put in a nickel but I thought it would be cold.”

Vincent set down his beer, and rose to his feet. “Good night Tifa.”

She smiled. “Night, Vincent.”

Vincent quietly left the bar, the yelling, screaming, and rowdiness. He knew Cid loved this stuff, but it frankly had never been his cup of tea, and he only endured it for Cid. But Cid had not just crossed the line; he’d thrown up on it. He loved Cid. Sadly there were days he just couldn’t stand him.

Vincent walked along the quiet streets, heading for the room where he and Cid were staying while in Midgar, his shoes clinking softly on the concrete. He breathed in the peace, glad to be away from the noise and the chaos and husband-induced embarrassment…

“Vincent! Hey Vincent wait up!”

Vincent did not stop. He kept walking, listening to the thunder of untied work boots charging up behind him. Eventually the boots caught up, along with the stink of cigarettes and beer.

Was it sad that smell turned him on?

Cid appeared before him, drunk and partly dressed in work boots, blue t-shirt, and thong. Oh lordy, he climbed out of a coffin for this?

“You left!” said Cid.

“Yes, because you were drunk and naked on a table with Christopher Robin and Pooh on your crotch. Frankly Cid if I want to be humiliated in a public place I’ll go dig up Lucrecia.”

“Aw, Vincent, baby…”

“I am so not speaking to you right now.”

“Want me to take the thong off?”

Vincent covered his face with his hand and kept walking. Cid followed after. “Aw Vincent!”

Vincent hurried back to the room, chased by Cid in a thong and t-shirt. “Come on baby we were only having some fun!”

“So who made you chase after me? Stay and be an ass, I don’t care, just don’t ask me to participate in it!”

“But I love you!”

“I love you too. I also happen to think at times you are a complete jackass.” Vincent rolled his eyes. “It has come to this. I have used the word ‘jackass’.”

Cid gently caught him and pulled him close. “Come on, you love me…”

“I just said I did.”

“Wanna fool around? I’ll let you tie me up. You can get on top.”

“I’m sorry but Winnie the Pooh just isn’t a huge turn-on for me.”

“I’ve got a black leather thong with a big silver zipper on the front.”

Vincent thought about that. “Ouch.”

“Well I don’t wear it.”

“Why do you even have it in the first place?” asked Vincent, beginning to respond to the warm feeling of Cid’s body against his own.

“Ah, Shera gave it to me.”

The warm feeling stood up und left the room with a flourish. “Great,” said Vincent. “I have been humiliated by the underwear that your ex-girlfriend gave you.”

“She’s not an ex!” Cid’s eyes grew large as Vincent suddenly snapped his gaze towards him, red eyes meeting blue. “I mean she’s not an ex because I never went out with her! Dammit Vincent cut me some slack, what is with you tonight?”

“I hate loud drunken obnoxious parties, I hate Aeris stuffing money into your underwear, I hate your underwear, and I hate public humiliation!!”

Cid held him close again. “Aw baby, I’m sorry, you know I love you.” He stroked the long wild hair. “Come on. Forgive me, okay? It’s my birthday. And you know there was never anything between me an’ Shera. I only love you.”

He kissed Vincent’s face, cuddling him. Vincent sighed quietly. “Fine. I’m sorry I got mad. I just get upset when there is too much noise.”

“Poor baby.” Cid nuzzled and cuddled him. “My fragile little mouse-angel. What can I do to make it all better?”

Vincent raised an eyebrow. “Did you bring the handcuffs?”

“Always.”

“And the black leather biker outfit?”

“Always always.”

“And the blueberry syrup?”

“Never leave home without it.”

A small evil smile tugged at the corner of Vincent’s mouth. “Can I still get on top?”

“Gonna make me waffles for breakfast?”

“If you like.”

“Then you can get on top.”

“Then give me that stupid thong and go get changed.”

Cid dutifully removed the thong and handed it over to Vincent, who distastefully held it up in his right hand between his thumb and forefinger. The claws on his left hand flexed in anticipation.

Poor Pooh-Bear never knew what hit him.