Mr. Popularity

Rating: PG
Category: AU
Pairing(s): None (or lots, depending on how you look at it)
Warnings: Mpreg. I swear I’m gonna stop listing that one.
Summary: And now at last here is the REAL reason Zack vanished on Aeris.
Notes: For misumisu84 as part of the all-request week marathon. It’s not quite what you asked for, but once the idea came to me, I had to run with it.

Hollander was livid. Hojo was livid. President Shinra was livid. Heads of departments, researchers, geneticists, military commanders in chief… everyone was having purple apoplectic puppies, and every last one of them furious with the same man.

Major Zack Fair, SOLDIER First Class.

“I can probably explain if…” he said in a small voice.

“SHUT UP!” came the group response.

Zack winced, but remained dutifully standing at attention while everyone shouted at once. Finally President Shinra stood up and strode over to Zack. The room fell silent as the president stared at him.

“Young man would you care to explain yourself?”

Zack swallowed nervously. “I certainly would Mr. President but… I’m afraid I don’t know what I have done!”

“M-hmm. Indeed. Tell me, Major, are you familiar at all with three high ranking elite forces First Class SOLDIERS by the names of Sephiroth, Angeal and Genesis?”

“Yes Mr. President, I have the privilege of calling them friend.”

“I see. And do you have sex with all your friends?”

Zack’s eyes grew large and his jaw dropped. Then he felt a wave of outrage. He kept his voice even and calm, but there was no missing his indignation.

“With all due respect, sir, that’s not anyone’s business but ours.”

“Unless you make it our business, which you did.”

Zack felt his hackles rising. “Now see here, I fail to…”

The president cut him off. “Have you, or have you not, bedded each and every one of them?”

Zack was furious, but answered the question. “We’re all adults, we’re all unattached, and we’re all friends. Yes, sometimes two of us share a bed but that’s really not...”

“MP Cloud Strife.”

“What about him?”

“You’ve been with him, too.”

Zack was becoming greatly annoyed at this in-depth investigation into his sex life. “Yeah I’ve been with Cloud, he’s my friend, we have fun together.”

“Well aren’t you the popular one. And the young Turk with the long red hair, Reno.”

Zack rolled his eyes. “Yes I’ve been with Reno too. As I said, we’re all adults, we’re all friends, and not one of us is in a relationship. We sometimes have sex, but never on duty or on company time, so I feel I must make my objections to this inquest into my sexual habits quite clear! It’s not anyone’s business but ours!”

There was some grumbling and mutterings, but the President motioned for silence. He walked over to his desk and picked up a large folder, opening it and leafing through the contents. For a long time, Zack waited.

“Major,” said the President, still leafing through the folder, “are you aware that Reno has volunteered to participate in some of Hollander’s and Hojo’s experiments?”

“Yes, sir.”

“And Cloud as well?”

“Yes, sir. I hope that’s not the problem? There was no indication given that the experiments were top secret.”

“They’re not. I was merely wondering if you were aware of the matter.”

“Yes sir.”

“And are you aware of certain side effects associated with the experiments?”

“No sir, though Reno says sometimes he can smell Hojo’s breath for hours afterwards,” said Zack innocently.

There were some muted giggles and snickers. Even the President permitted himself a little smile.

“I suspect that is not an after-effect of the experiments, but I do think that is a matter that bears investigation. In the meantime…” The President pulled a strange black sheet of plastic out of the folder, covered with blotches of a bluish colour. He handed it to Zack. “Mr. Fair, do you know what that is?”

Zack accepted the sheet, puzzled. “No, sir, I’m not sure I… oh it’s a sonogram! Yes sir, it’s an image of an unborn baby.”

“Very good, Mr. Fair. Now, I have a question for you.”

“Yes, sir?”

“Are you aware that, in some social animals, once the matriarch goes into oestrus, every other female in the group will as well?”

“No sir, I did not know that.”

“Human beings experience a somewhat similar phenomenon. Women living in close proximity will often have menstrual cycles at the same time.”

“I don’t make it a habit of asking women about that, sir, they tend to feel that’s not any of my damned business.”

The President actually chuckled. “I see. Well then, all I really wished to know is whether you were aware that such biological occurrences existed.”

“No, sir, biology is not my forté.”

“Could have fooled me,” grumbled Hojo.

Zack was beginning to feel confused and exasperated, but when he spoke, his tone, as always, was calm and respectful. “Sir, please, if you could just tell me what I’ve done? I’m afraid I have no idea why I’m here.”

“Well I have good news and more good news, Mr. Fair,” said the President. “The good news is you will be spending a lot more time with your friends. In fact, for the next year, your duties will require you to stay very close to their sides.”

Zack was not reassured. In fact he was becoming deeply concerned. “And… the other good news, sir?”

President Shinra grinned and chuckled. Zack felt his concern turn into fear.

“Here’s your other good news, Major! Congratulations!”

Zack watched as the President began pulling out sonogram after sonogram, arranging them on his desk, calling out names and information as he placed them down.

“Reno, baby girl, Cloud Strife, baby girl, Angeal, baby boy, Genesis, twin baby girls, and General Sephiroth, the old Silver Tiger himself, the one whose ovaries dictate what all the other ovaries do, the uterus that, if it jumped off a bridge all the other ones would too, carrying two baby boys and a little girl.”

Zack stared at the collection of sonograms on the desk, eyes huge, his knees suddenly very unstable. His heart did something odd in his chest. “All… all of them?”

“Every damned one of them!” said Hollander. He snatched up Angeal’s sonogram and shook it in Zack’s face. “Twenty years of work down the drain! Your stinking DNA all over my experiment!”

“Mine?!” said Zack, a note of hysteria in his voice.

“Yours!” said Hojo. “All of them, every last one! Each and every one pregnant by you.”

“I recommend taking on extra duties,” said the General in charge of SOLDIER. “There’s not going to be much left in your pay envelope with eight babies and five mothers to support. Of course we could give you special dispensation to marry all five of them. But that will still leave you owing the Shinra Biological Weapons and Research Division roughly eleven million dollars for managing to contaminate each and every single one of their long-term experiments. You’ve put all of their research back twenty years, and it looks like you managed to do it all in about a week’s time. Fast work, soldier.”

“Couldn’t you just… put me up against a wall and shoot me?” said Zack.

“Oh no,” said Hollander, walking up to Zack. “You’re not getting off that easy you little shit. You wasted twenty years of work. Ruined it. He’s been exposed to your DNA, your contaminants, and now as a direct result of being exposed to your DNA, his entire genetic structure has reorganized itself, thus turning my perfect killing machine into a fat sack of maternal instincts.”

“I’m sorry?” said Zack hopefully.

“Not half as sorry as you will be in seven months,” said President Shinra. “Veld? Take Major Fair to his new quarters, please. His husbands will be waiting for him. And please make sure nothing happens to him.” President Shinra narrowed his eyes. “We want the Major to enjoy a long, productive life, so he can be sure to PAY MY COMPANY BACK EVERY NICKLE OF THE ELEVEN MILLION WE INVESTED INTO THIS PROJECT THAT HE GOT HIS GOD DAMNED GENETIC MATERIAL ALL OVER!!”

Zack meekly permitted himself to be led away by Veld, quiet and subdued. As they walked he pulled a wallet out of his back pocket, reaching into it and removing a photo and a piece of paper. He tore them up and dropped them into a trash can as they passed by.

“What was that?” asked Veld.

“Oh, the number and photo of a girl in Midgar I was kinda sweet on,” said Zack. “I have a feeling President Shinra doesn’t want me going to see her.”

“Oh? Why is that?”

“He says I have to live long enough to pay him back.”

“And when she finds out you’ve been bedding half the barracks and making illegitimate babies, she’s going to kill you.”

“That’s the general suspicion, yup.” There was a long silence. “Maybe I should go see her.”

“Not a chance. If you die then I’m in trouble.”

“We could run away together,” suggested Zack.

“No thanks, I’d look terrible pregnant.” Veld walked up to a door and opened it. It led to a large and very nicely decorated apartment. Standing within were Sephiroth, Genesis, Angeal, Reno and Cloud.

“Oh look,” said Angeal, “Daddy’s home.”

“Are you gonna kill me?” asked Zack.

“No of course not,” said Cloud, walking towards him, reaching out to take his hand. “Why would we do that?”

“Oh,” said Zack, kissing his brow, “just wishful thinking.”