Resevoir Slobs

Rating: PG
Category: AU
Pairing(s): Cid/Vincent, Cloud/Reno.
Warnings: Idiots, language, poop.
Summary: “Well I don’t know why I came here tonight. I got a feeling that something ain’t right…”
Notes: Just a brain fart that escaped. A cheer-up crack fic for Nienna and her foot.

This fic is illustrated by the wonderful Animama.

“Clowns to the left of me,
Jokers to the right,
And here I am
Stuck in the middle with you…"
-Stealers Wheel, "Stuck in the Middle With You"

“Vincent,” said Cid, tone bordering on irritation. “Are you going to eat that, or dissect it?”

“Both,” said Vincent in his soft, smoky voice, knife and fork held delicately as he slowly and meticulously reduced his hamburger to crumbs.

Watching Vincent eat could make a man insane. He not only took his food apart, he arranged it. And the gods help you if he couldn’t get it right. It could take him forty-five minutes to eat a dozen French fries. Marble ice cream was right out – it tended to melt and mix together. Right now, however, it was 11:45 in the evening, and the intrepid group of adventurers was stuck in a roadside café while the rain slammed down like a waterfall. Watching Vincent eat was the only thing to do.

“Vincent,” said Yuffie, “you are just a collection of the weirdest habits…”

“I know.” He peered at something in the obsessively arranged plate. “I have food issues.”

“No duh,” said Yuffie. She reached forward to take one of the fries it had taken him thirty minutes to stack. With a quick motion of his hand he brandished the steak knife he held threateningly. She retreated, rolling her eyes.

“Food issues?” inquired Cloud. He didn’t really care, but he, like everyone else at the table, was bored out of his mind.

“It’s my father’s fault,” Vincent said. “He was a scientist. So every night at the dinner table was a long involved discussion about micro-organisms, viruses, bacteria, and parasites.”

“That would put me off,” admitted Barret.

“It was a nightmare,” said Vincent in his quiet almost-monotone. “I grew up around research scientists.”

“Is that where you get your amazing social skills from?” asked Yuffie.

Any other person would have been offended. Vincent was wholly unruffled. “Probably. I know that’s what ended my first relationship at age thirteen.”

“Oh I bet you were cute,” gushed Aeris.

“What happened?” asked Tifa.

Vincent finished arranging the patty and started working on a suspicious-looking tomato. “Well, there was this girl in my class who really liked me. Bonnie Falwell. And I really liked her. She invited me to her place for dinner. I should mention at this point that her father was the priest in our local church, which my family and I did not attend. Anyway, I show up promptly at five-thirty, wearing a little grey suit my mother made me wear and my hair slicked down with enough hair cream that I could likely have used my head to lubricate a car engine. To top it all off she made me wear a carnation in my lapel.”

“Awwwwwww….” said Aeris. “I bet you were adorable!!”

“Considering that at the time I had braces and half inch thick corrective lenses I probably looked like a geek. Anyway, I arrive, they invite me in, and her mother begins laying out dinner. We sit, and much to my horror, she’s serving a pork roast. You have no idea the things that live on pork. So I’m staring at it, it’s staring back at me, and Bonnie’s father looks at me and says “Vincent, would you like to say thanks to our Lord for the evening meal?” And I’m staring at that pork roast, and I said “God is an irrelevant concept thought up by the insecure to control the minds of the masses, reduce women to second-class citizens, and line the pockets of an archaic institution ruled by xenophobic antique misogynists, and if I was inclined to pray to God for anything it would not be for a pork roast, since pork carries a myriad of bacteria and viruses, not to mention the deadly parasite trichinosis.” Needless to say this observation was not well received.”

Cid and Barret were howling with laughter, and even Cloud was chuckling. Aeris and Tifa were horrified.

“You did not!” said Aeris.

“I did. I was shown the door rather quickly and was never invited back.” He smiled that little ghost of a smile. “Bonnie thought I was cool.”

Barret, Cid and Cloud laughed harder. Aeris and Tifa were scandalized. “Vincent that’s terrible!” said Aeris. “Didn’t your parents teach you manners?”

“My parents taught me to be truthful. They should have also taught me diplomacy but that was likewise an irrelevant concept.”

The door to the small diner opened, and in walked a sodden and rather pathetic-looking figure, clad in a soaked black suit, red hair slicked down. Reno squelched his way over to the table and sat down beside Cloud. The two regarded each other.

“You’re wet,” said Cloud.

“Car broke down,” said Reno. He picked up Cloud’s coffee and had a sip, while Aeris divided her desert in half to share with him.

“We have a very odd relationship with you,” said Tifa.

“It’s not odd,” said Reno. “It’s downright bizarre. Thank you.”

“You’re going to eat that?” said Vincent. “After she’s had her fork in it?”

“I’m so damned hungry I’d eat it if she had her face in it, yo.”

“Aww, poor Reno,” said Aeris.

“Poor Reno nothin’!” said Cid. “He’s chased you over half the planet, and the minute he’s off duty he comes mooching food and screws Cloud.”

“Well I’m not screwing you, yo.”

“Damned right you ain’t screwing me.”

“That’s Vincent’s job,” said Yuffie.

“Technically we haven’t screwed yet,” said Vincent.

“I really don’t wanna hear this,” said Barret.

“Why not?” asked Cait Sith.

“What why not?” said Cid. “Why haven’t we screwed yet or why doesn’t Barret want to hear it?”

“Both,” said Nanaki.

“Well after watching Vincent eating that hamburger we can only assume it’s because we don’t have a week to wait for them to get around to it,” said Yuffie.

“I said I have food issues,” said Vincent. “I said nothing about having sex issues.”

“Then why haven’t you?” asked Yuffie.

“Did I not just say I don’t wanna hear this?” said Barret.

“To use the vernacular; none of your fucking business,” said Vincent.

Reno looked at Cloud. “Did Vincent just say fuck?”

“I believe he did,” said Cloud.

“And me without a tape recorder,” said Tifa.

The waitress walked over, filling up coffee cups, and handing Reno a towel. “You folks might want to think about taking a room,” she said. “Storm’s washed out the road.”

Reno uttered a sigh of relief. “Finally, a day off.” He dug for his cell phone and called a number, waiting for it to ring as he took a menu from the waitress.

“Hey Tseng? Reno. Yeah I’m on the hill. Nah. No one’s here. Just me. How should I know where they are? They don’t check in with me, yo. Listen I’m stuck here, the rain washed out the road, yo. Couple days. Yeah. Two or three. Well get Rude to fly the helicopter. What do you mean he can’t fly it? I taught him everything I know. Oh hah hah, who’s a funny Turk? Yeah yeah. I’m just gonna hang, yo. I’ll let you know.” He rolled his eyes. “No, if I see Aeris I will not tell her you think she’s a hot piece of ass. Tseng are you drunk without me? Well who are you drunk with? What do you mean you’re stuck in the men’s room while Rufus Shinra does Reeve over the desk? Tseng, Rufus doesn’t care if you dart through the office while he’s… oh yeah you’re right. Reeve would care. Okay, fine, you go back to drinking tequila and I’ll call later. Will I what? Tell Aeris you’d like… ? Tseng if I said that to a woman, it would be the last thing I ever said, yo. Yeah you do that. Yes I love you too. Okay. Goodnight.”

Reno hung up, dropping the phone and hiding behind his hands as the group at the table erupted in laughter. He shook his head, then looked at Aeris.

“Tseng says hello.”

“I gathered,” she said, giggling.

“Little tipsy is he?” asked Barret.

Reno shook his head and sighed, picking up his cell phone and placing it in his pocket.

“Friday night at Shinra Tower. You have no idea the things that go on there.”

“Well we got a pretty good impression during that phone call!” said Tifa. “I didn’t know Rufus is gay.”

“He’s not gay. He’s the ultimate aggressive alpha male. He’ll get on top of anything that stands still long enough for him to do it. But, if you want the gossip going around the Tower…”

“We do,” said Yuffie.

“He’s real sweet on Reeve. And I mean really sweet. Last month Reeve mentions in passing that he was raised by his grandparents, which he hasn’t seen in years, yo, and he hopes to get a chance to see them before they pass away. Next day Rufus personally flies Reeve down to see them on his private jet.”

“Awwwww…” said Aeris. “You think they’ll get together?”

Reno shrugged. “Hope so.” He put his chin on Aeris’ shoulder and blinked big green eyes at her. “You gonna finish your fries?”

“Here.”

The waitress came over with a whole cherry pie, a stack of plates and forks, and placed everything on the table.

“We didn’t order that,” said Cid.

“I know, but if it doesn’t get eaten I have to throw it out. Can’t serve day-old food. And I hate cherries.”

The waitress walked away, leaving the pie alone and defenceless. It was gone in seconds.

“Don’t you people have any manners?!” demanded Tifa. “I almost lost a hand!”

“Snooze ya lose,” said Cid, wolfing down a slice.

“Snooze?! I didn’t snooze, I blinked!”

“I wouldn’t worry about it, Tifa,” said Vincent. “With the amount of expectorant that lands on food during a conversation, it was probably riddled with bacteria.”

“Meaning you didn’t get a slice, either,” said Tifa.

He smiled, that quiet little shy smile, and Cid shared his piece with him, while Barret shared his piece with Tifa. Nanaki meanwhile was very kindly ridding the waitress of a large piece of meat that she insisted was about to spoil. Personally Nanaki suspected she was just lonely. After all, it was unlikely many people would come to such an out-of-the-way diner…

The door opened, and in walked three young men, little more than kids, clad in baggy pants, hooded sweat shirts, and sneakers. All three were trying desperately hard to look innocent and inconspicuous, so of course they immediately had the attention of everyone at the table.

“Looks like the evening’s entertainment just arrived,” said Reno.

“What do you think?” said Cid. “Do they have knives or guns?”

“Guns,” said Barret.

“I wonder when buying pants that covered your ass became a lost art?” said Yuffie. “Yellow boxers? I’m an impressionable kid; I don’t need to see that.”

“Eyew…” said Tifa. “I don’t think they started off as yellow.”

“Gross-ness!” said Yuffie.

Barret watched the trio with bored annoyance, chin resting on his good hand, counting off with the fingers of his artificial one. “Five, four, three, two…”

As if on cue, one of the trio pulled a shotgun and brandished it as he bellowed; “GIMME ALL YER FUCKIN’ MONEY!”

The waitress fled as two of the thugs began throwing things to the floor, smashing cases, destroying food, cups and plates. The leader once more screamed; “I SAID GIMME ALL YER FUCKIN’ MONEY OR I’LL BLOW YER FUCKIN’ HEADS OFF! AN’ GIMME YER BITCHES, TOO!”

The group at the table utterly failed to react. The leader was briefly flustered, but quickly regained his composure.

“I SAID GIMME YOUR MONEY AND YOUR BITCHES!”

“We’d love to help you,” said Reno, “But they’re not our bitches to give.”

“Well they can have Yuffie,” said Cid.

“Hey!”

The head thug was becoming impatient, and racked his shotgun. “I SAID…”

Vincent was suddenly on his feet, Cerberus aimed directly between the assailant’s eyes, while Barret levelled his own gun at him. Cloud leapt onto the table and drew his massive sword, Reno at his side, electro-rod snapping ominously. Flanking Reno was Tifa, fists raised. Cid grabbed up his lance from where it was resting, Yuffie drew her throwing star, and Nanaki began growling savagely from his place under the table, lips drawn back, jaws at crotch level. Aeris just smiled, a ball of red materia in her fist, glowing ominously.

The head thug stared down Cerberus’ triple barrels, each of which seemed as large as a cannon. The room was suddenly very, very quiet, and the leader abruptly recalled his manners.

“Hey, we were just… kidding around… we weren’t gonna hurt anybody… We… we’ll just be leaving…” said the leader.

“Not so fast,” said Aeris. “You made a huge mess in this nice lady’s diner. You’re not going anywhere until you clean it.”

The leader’s jaw dropped. “Bitch are you for..? OKAY WE’LL DO IT!” He quickly amended as the red materia flared briefly.

“Give me the gun,” said Cid.

“Dude I can’t do that! It’s my dad’s! He’ll freak!”

“Well your dad came come ask us for it,” said Cid.

“But…”

“Don’t give him the gun!” said one of the boys in the background. “Blow his fucking head off!”

Vincent, with practiced ease, drew back Cerberus’ triple hammers with a loud, ominous noise. The kid promptly handed the shotgun to Cid.

“Get cleaning,” said Aeris.

“And sweep the damn glass up,” said Barret.

“Bring the coffee pot, too, yo,” said Reno.

“But…”

“MOVE!” shouted the group.

The trio scattered. Cutlery was gathered up, glass was swept away, cases were cleaned, floors were washed, coffee was brought, and, by the time the waitress dared to return, the three would-be armed robbers were busy cooking orders. She walked in, looking around.

“I was expecting a blood-bath,” she said. “I called the police but with the road out I don’t know when they will get here.”

“Yeah, well,” said Barret, “the little pukes didn’t know who they was screwin’ with.”

“So I see! You have no idea how thankful I am, this diner is all I have!”

“All in a day’s work, ma’am,” said Cid.

A cherry pie appeared on the table. Briefly.

“WERE YOU PEOPLE RAISED IN A BARN?!” demanded Yuffie.

“Yup,” said Barret, happily eating.

“By wolves,” added Cid.

“Now I have to count my fingers,” muttered Yuffie.

Vincent finally finished his hamburger, then reached across Barret to delicately spear a cherry from Cid’s piece of pie on one golden claw. Then he rose from the table, eyeing the dripping piece of succulent fruit, seeming to not notice he was being watched. He licked the syrup from his claw, then slipped the lengthy, slender device between his lips, managing to deep-throat it to the first knuckle. He slowly withdrew it, then began walking towards the door, long slender body swaying. Cid watched him, eyes wide, jaw hanging, the last mouthful of cherry pie slipping unheeded from his fork.

“I think I’ll go next door to my room, and take my clothes off,” said Vincent from over his shoulder.

Barret was about to move so Cid could leave, when Cid suddenly hopped onto the table, ran to the end, hopped off and went chasing after Vincent.

“And they were never seen again,” said Reno.

Cloud kissed him. “Come on, you’re cold and wet. Let’s get you warm and dry before you get sick.”

“What are we gonna do with the little jackasses over there?” said Barret, indicating the three boys.

“Good question,” said Tifa.

She glanced at Reno and Cloud, both of whom had a similar look on their faces. Cloud looked at Reno.

“You thinking what I’m thinking, babe?”

“I think so. But where are we going to find rubber pants that will fit a chicken, yo?”

Barret shook his head and did a double-take. “Say what?”

“Just go to bed,” said Cloud. “We’ll handle it.”

Half an hour later, the three boys were bolted securely into a small outdoor shed, the door chained firmly in place.

“You’re so creative,” Reno purred.

Cloud gently drew him into his arms. “You’re all damp.”

“Gonna dry me off and warm me up?”

“Oh yeah.” Cloud kissed him softly

“Hey you can’t do this to us!” shouted one of the kids in the shed. Cloud kicked the door, and silence fell.

“C’mon,” said Cloud softly. “Let’s go to bed.”

The pair walked away, leaving the trio of troublemakers enclosed in the shed, the only sound that of the rain hitting the tin roof.

“Dude,” said a voice. “I have to take a dump like you wouldn’t believe.”

“Well don’t do it in here.”

“Where else am I gonna do it?”

“DON’T DO IT IN HERE OR WE’LL HAVE TO SM… BOBBY YOU ASSHOLE!”

Settled securely in their room, Cloud and Reno slowly undressed each other, oblivious to the plight of their screaming prisoners. In their own room, Cid and Vincent snuggled together beneath the covers, bodies spooned close, listening to the rain on the windows. And in the small room that belonged to the waitress, Nanaki dozed on a warm bed, red fur glowing softly in the firelight, and toyed with the idea of becoming a house pet.