The Art of Self-Defence

Rating: PG
Category: AU
Pairing(s): Andy/Yaz, Cloud/Reno, Zack/Seph, Cid/Vincent
Warnings: None
Summary: Andy is learning the fine art of self defence.
Notes: Just a crack fic because I wanted one, darn it.

Andy clutched his staff, knees shaking, his glasses halfway down his nose, looking completely out of place and uncomfortable in white martial arts clothes and a sweatband across his brow.

“I’m not so sure this is a good idea,” he said.

Cid shrugged. Andy was scared of Cid. He was all muscle and bone and broad shoulders, with a cigarette in one hand and a massive lance in the other. He had his weight resting on one hip, the large muscles in his arm flexing as he toyed with the weapon.

“Your mom doesn’t want you playing with swords and guns, that leaves staffs and other like weapons. C’mon, hold it like I taught you.”

And did, thinking this was probably one of the stupidest decisions of his life. He only agreed to learn to fight because Yazoo had been so worried for him after he got beat up. Still, it didn’t help that Sephiroth’s six-year-old daughter could kick his ass, and she, along with Loz and Yazoo, as well as Sephiroth himself, were watching. Sephiroth was cold and imperious, arms crossed, studying him with icy intensity, still not entirely certain what he thought about this mere mortal courting his brother. Andy could only hope Seph never learned that he had taken Yazzy’s virginity. He would be in bits all over the planet. Beside Sephiroth was Yazoo, eyes bright and loving, filled with encouragement. Next to him was Loz, snorting openly. Cid tapped Andy with his staff.

“C’mon, don’t mind those numbskulls. Focus.”

It was hard to focus. He was a complete neophyte, and all around him were seasoned veterans. He could hear Cloud and Zack putting each other through their paces, Zack being one of the few people who could best Cloud when it came to swordsmanship. Andy didn’t want to play with swords; they looked much too sharp, and guns were right out. He didn’t even especially want to learn the staff, either, but Yazoo was so worried for him. If it made Yazoo happy he would do it, but why did he have to learn from Cid? He was scared of Cid. Why couldn’t he learn from Aeris?

Well, actually he was kinda scared of Aeris, too….

On the other side of the field, Cloud had backed off a bit to let Zack and Reno spar. Reno knew his moves too well; Cloud thought it might be good for him to sharpen his skills with an unfamiliar opponent. He smiled as he watched the two faced off, Zack being careful with his best friend’s lover. Reno however was in no mood to play nice, and while Zack was not hurting him, he was masterfully thwarting him. Then, at exactly the wrong moment, Zack gracefully dumped Reno onto his butt. Cloud stopped himself from running forwards, much as he wanted to. He knew Reno did not appreciate being coddled.

Reno slowly staggered to his feet, and glared at Zack, who blew him a kiss. Cloud watched as Reno smouldered, then, as he was about to lunge, suddenly huge wings shot from his back, mercury-black, tipped with scarlet and gold flight feathers. They were enormous, and the sudden shift in balance made Reno abruptly forget about Zack altogether. He looked from one wing to the other, astonished.

“Where did these come from?!”

“Well, Baby has them,” said Zack, “Cloud used Baby’s blood to heal you, I guess that means now you have them.”

Reno flapped awkwardly. “I don’t want them! What do I do with them?!” He staggered to the left, stepped on his own flight feathers and fell onto his face, his right wing sticking up at a strange angle.

“CLOUD!”

Cloud was utterly unable to help. He was sitting cross-legged on the ground, laughing until the tears ran from his eyes. Reno flapped like a drunken albatross.

“This isn’t funny, yo!”

Cloud eventually managed to get off the ground and walked over to his disgruntled lover, helping him to get himself sorted. Standing with wings was an adventure in being vertical.

“What do I do with these?” Reno asked Zack, who shrugged, having a hard time containing his giggles as well.

“I honestly don’t know, I never grew wings, personally.”

Cloud stroked the impressive plumes. “I like them. They’re soft.”

“I feel ludicrous, yo.”

“I’m sure they’ll go away as soon as you calm down. Now come on, I’ll find you a nice perch and some bird seed, and Zack can get you a giant mirror to throw up on.”

“You’re sleeping on the couch.”

Cid’s voice cut through the distraction and into Andy’s brain. “Focus, numbskull.”

Andy focused. The staff Cid fought with looked like the lightning rod of the Gods. It was huge, crafted of strange materials wrought in ages of darkness, the materia set into the shaft gleaming and glittering with power that could be unleashed with a thought. And Cid didn’t believe in using wooden mock-ups to practice with. He thought they made students cocky.

‘And Cid himself is SUCH a bastion of humility,’ thought Andy as he dodged a slow swing, hearing the low “whoosh” and feeling the light breeze of the weapon’s passing. Andy did as Cid taught him and lunged in, but Cid spun the huge lance with the blades on either end across his shoulders so that the second tip was suddenly against his nose. Andy stared at it, then sighed in frustration.

“You may as well give up; I’m never going to get this.”

“So you like getting your ass kicked?”

“No I don’t like it, but…. Dammit I hate looking like a moron in front of a General even more!”

“That doesn’t seem to stop you from coming around,” purred Sephiroth, Miki beside him, holding her nunchaku.

Andy ground his teeth. Oooooh one day he was gonna put that smug white cat on his ass….

“Again,” said Cid. “And remember what I told you; anticipate. If your opponent is good he’s always gonna have a response if his first swing misses.”

Once more Andy dodged the lance, but this time when Cid came back at him, Andy put his own staff up and stopped the blow. Then Cid lunged forward and the point met his chest.

“It’s not enough to stop the strike, you have to deflect. C’mon. Again.”

In the background, Reno had once more joined the fight between Zack and Cloud, wings and all. He was modified as well now. He could stand a direct hit from one of them. Not that it would have been easy to land a blow on Reno even before he had been modified. Reno was fast. Reno had been a Turk. That was his strength, his speed. So what was his own strength? He wasn’t powerful, like Cid, he wasn’t fast like Reno, he wasn’t modified like Sephiroth…

No. But he was smart, wasn’t he?

Cid attacked, and this time Andy stopped and deflected the blow, then, before Cid had a chance to spin and come at him with the other end, Andy dropped and stabbed forward, his staff meeting Cid’s belly. Cid was a little surprised, and suitably impressed.

“Nice job, numbskull.”

Andy grinned, pleased with himself. “Thanks!”

Sephiroth tossed his hair and looked bored. “Sufficient for a green recruit perhaps.”

Andy growled. The sound was neither deep nor impressive. One day…

He knew what Sephiroth was doing, of course. Sheldon knew pretty much everything there was to know about General Sephiroth, and had been happy to share it with Andy. Most Generals had nothing to do with training troops. Sephiroth had always taken an interest in it. The idea was to make Andy angry enough to forget about being scared and actually attack, to find out for himself just what he was capable of. Andy would love to take a whack at the Silver Tiger, but he had a funny feeling if Seph didn’t get him, Zack would. And if they didn’t then Daddy Valentine with his sniper rifle could take the head off a dandelion at a distance of three miles. Taking a smack at Sephiroth would be satisfying, but dumb. Andy pushed his glasses up his nose and waited again for Cid to attack.

“Hey, Stick-Boy!”

Oh what the hell was going on? Andy turned to see his friend/nemesis walking towards him, camera in hand. Sheldon liked to take pictures, and Andy had to admit he was good at it. He was the photographer for their high school newspaper. As soon as Sephiroth saw the camera his hackles went up. He didn’t like Sheldon or his camera, and Andy had the feeling one day Baby would give the juvenile paparazzi a close up he would never recover from.

“Who invited you, Sheldon?” asked Andy.

“No one, your sister said you were up here desperately trying to lose your virginity.”

Yazoo stretched as if yawning, then belted Sheldon across the back of his head. Sheldon turned and glared at him, bringing his hand up to his head.

“Hey!”

“Come on,” said Cid quietly. “Focus.”

Andy did, this time taking the offensive. Again he managed to score a hit. He strongly suspected that Cid was just trying to build his confidence; Cid had no modifications done to his body, one good strike and he was dead. Staying alive depended on not being injured. Still, Yazoo was impressed, and his opinion was the only one that mattered.

“Lucky shot,” said Sephiroth dismissively.

Grrrrrrr….

“Hey what’s that thing you’re fighting with?” said Sheldon. “A substitute for a penis? Well I guess you really are a stick-boy.”

“Focus,” said Cid, “Just ignore him.”

Andy would like nothing more than to ignore Sheldon. They had a very odd friendship. On the one hand, Sheldon had been a help and support throughout the times he had been kicked out of the house, and when they thought Yazzy was pregnant, and even more so throughout the depression that had followed when they learned Yazoo was not, and might never be. On the other hand, he was still Sheldon, and still delighted in driving him crazy.

Yazoo had told Andy not to let Sheldon bother him, but it was hard. The violent beating he had received made him skittish, and he very much wanted to learn to defend himself, but Sheldon’s harassment, even if it is not meant to upset him, didn’t exactly fill him with confidence. Of course Sheldon had no idea what it was like to be the skinny kid with the glasses. And Andy suspected Sheldon had designs on his boyfriend. There was no denying Sheldon’s fascination with Sephiroth and Yazoo was a bit more than mere idol worship.

“Obsess much?” Andy had asked the first time he got a look at the inside of Sheldon’s bedroom. The walls were covered with posters of Sephiroth, and not merely the ones where he was in full battle-fury. There were posters of him standing, walking, sitting, reading, and even one of him flaked out on his stomach in a hammock, dozing in the heat of the mid-summer sun. “Where did you get these?”

“Off the fan sites.”

“Sephiroth has fan sites?”

“Dude! Of course he does! I’ll show you!”

Sheldon sat before his computer and turned it on. Andy’s jaw dropped as he noticed the desktop was an image of HIS Yazoo.

“Sheldon! Why is my boyfriend on your computer? That is not cool!”

“Relax, Stick-Boy.”

“Sheldon, I’m going to have to ask you take that down.”

“Fine, ya big crybaby.” Sheldon replaced the desktop with a picture of chocobos, then glanced over his shoulder at Andy. “Hey, uh… I… know a guy who said he’d pay 1500 gil for a pic of Sephiroth kissing Yazoo.”

Andy was horrified. “That’s sick! They’re brothers! Not to mention the age difference. It’s incest!”

“No it’s not, they’re clones not brothers. So it’s not incest, it’s masturbation.”

“It’s disgusting. Who is this creep?”

“You don’t know him.”

“He’s sick!”

“Yeah… he… sorta figured you’d say that.”

Andy crossed his arms and glared at Sheldon. “Well the next time you see this guy tell him to either come out of the closet or stay in or else someone might tell his girlfriend Linda he has very bizarre fetish for incestuous white-blonde bishonen.”

Sheldon looked subdued. “I’ll tell him you said that,” he mumbled.

Andy focused on Cid and lunged in once more. This time Cid dodged and with a smooth easy stroke demonstrated a killing blow that would have taken the back of his head off. Andy sighed.

“Well, since you took most of my cranium off, I suppose now I’m only as smart of Sheldon.”

Cid grinned. “C’mon, you’re doing all right. This is only your third lesson.”

“It’s just daunting with so many people around; I don’t want to look like a drip in front of Yazoo.”

Cid slapped him on the back. “Yazoo doesn’t think you’re a drip. Baby thinks you’re a drip. Yaz thinks you walk on water.”

“I do not think he is a drip,” said Sephiroth. “I think he’s a skinny, pencil-necked geek.”

Yazoo took Sephiroth’s arm and looked up at him with soft green eyes. “Don’t be jealous, big brother. I think it’s amazing how you can still cram yourself into those leathers after all those babies. Don’t get me wrong, I think the pants hold in the sags and fat admirably, but it might be time to invest in a corset.”

Sephiroth’s eyes registered the vaguest glint of affection, ignoring Sheldon and his camera as he risked a shot. “Don’t make me hurt you, little brother.”

“Of course not, I know how delicate the arteries are on someone of your advanced years.”

Andy shot a nervous look at Cid, who pulled him back, leading him away from Sephiroth and Yazoo.

“C’mon,” said Cid. “I like a good cat fight as much as the next guy, but not when the cats are panthers.”

Sephiroth looked down at Yazoo. “Darling if I didn’t know better I would swear you were asking for a spanking.”

“If I didn’t know better I would say you’re dumb enough to bring a knife to a gunfight.”

Sephiroth and Yazoo began circling each other. Loz just watched happily, while Sheldon stared at his hero, facing off with his sibling. Miki rolled her eyes and went into the house to play with Ifalna. Andy watched, then looked at Cid, who just narrowed his eyes and put an arm around his pupil.

“Stand back, kid, all hell’s about to break loose. These boys don’t play nice.”

Loz made his way over to Cid and Andy, eyes bright, dragging Sheldon with him out of range of the fighters. On the grass runway, which they had been using as a practice field, Sephiroth and Yazoo squared off. Andy rolled his eyes as Sheldon continued taking pictures, then returned his gaze to his lover. He knew Yaz, he knew what he was capable of, but… well…

“He’s so little!” Andy said, clearly distressed.

Cid snorted. “Who? Yaz? Bullcrap, he’s ten feet tall.”

“And if that was Vincent out there…?”

“Pfft. Like Vincent’s dumb enough to get into dick-waving competitions with those bean-brains.”

Andy clutched his staff, watching nervously as Yazoo and Sephiroth suddenly flew at each other with the violent grace of skilled warriors. This was display, not combat, but all Andy saw was his little boyfriend fending off a much larger, older, and experienced warrior. At one point he started forward, but Cid held him back.

“It’s okay, Andy, they’re just playing.”

Andy watched in horror as Sephiroth made a sweeping strike with the great blade he carried, Yazoo only just managing to duck as the sword sliced the air where his head had been. They were moving so fast and hitting so hard… Andy flinched as Sephiroth struck Yazoo with force enough to send him rolling, drawing blood. To Yazoo, it was nothing. To Andy, it was too much to bear, and as Sephiroth closed in to land the ‘killing’ blow, Andy snatched up Cid’s mighty lance and ran screaming into the fray. He planted himself between the pair, facing Sephiroth, thrusting the lance out with both hands to stop the pending blow, legs braced against what he was certain would be force enough to break his arms. The sword slashed downwards… and stopped mere millimetres from the lance.

There was an intense silence, and Andy wondered if he was dead. He was drenched in sweat, and he could feel his heart pounding in his chest. Then Sephiroth backed up a step, smiling that wicked little smile that never failed to make Andy’s blood run cold. He sheathed his sword and turned, walking away, heading for Reno to help him with his newly-acquired wings. Andy felt his knees turn to jelly just as Yazoo came up behind him to embrace him tightly.

“You saved me!” he said, clearly delighted.

Andy was shaking like a leaf. “I think I wet myself.”

Yazoo hugged him, enchanted with his hero. Loz just snorted and walked away to see what Sephiroth was up to. Finally Andy managed to turn to look at Yazoo, forgetting about his narrowly-averted bisection as he saw the thin line of blood that marked where Yazoo’s cut had been, the flesh having already regenerated. He kissed the injury gently.

“Let’s just go for a walk,” he said.

Yazoo kissed him back. “Okay.”

Yazoo took Andy’s hand, and together they walked to the beach, Cid taking his lance back as the teenager walked by.

“Numbskull,” he said fondly.

***---***

It was Monday, and Andy was once more back in high school hell. There were still kids who wanted to beat the hell out of him for being smart, for being different, for having a boyfriend rather than a girlfriend, and indeed there were some people who wanted to beat him up just for having a boyfriend prettier than their girlfriends. It was all very bizarre and he did not understand it, but he was not about to let them deny him his education. One day this would all be over, and he could leave it far, far behind.

By the time he reached his locker, however, he realized something was different. Normally by now he would have at least been called a name, more commonly he would be shoved into a locker or the girls’ change room, but nothing. It was too much to hope that all his tormentors had moved to another school. Therefore there had to be another reason he was being left alone.

“Hey Stick-Boy!”

Andy sighed. “Hello, Sheldon.”

“Nice demonstration Saturday.”

“Gee thanks.”

“No I mean it. I got pictures, I put them in the Student Shots section of the school newspaper, wanna see?”

Andy groaned. “Sheldon! Isn’t my life hard enough without you passing around photos of me waving a staff at Cid Highwind looking like even more of a dork than I am?”

Sheldon grinned and handed him the newspaper. Andy accepted it, giving Sheldon a jaded, disgruntled look. The annoyance was replaced by astonishment as he stared wide-eyed at the photo. It was himself, dressed in his white martial arts outfit, braced in a defensive stance, hands thrown up, holding Cid’s daunting staff. Before him was Sephiroth, graceful and mighty, death in motion, slamming his sword down, the blade inches above the staff. The caption beneath was simple.

‘Science Club member Andy K. practices his martial arts skills.’

“My god, Sheldon this is fantastic! Jeez I look like I actually know what I’m doing!”

Sheldon grinned. “You do, don’t you?”

Andy studied the photo. “Sheldon… this picture is a lie. It makes it look like I spar with Sephiroth on the weekends!”

“You don’t?”

“No! Cid beats me up and Sephiroth points and laughs.”

Sheldon leaned close. “But if you don’t tell anyone this picture is a lie, how will they know?”

Andy blinked at him, then glanced around. He caught sight of Tory Winters, one of the kids who had thrashed him that fateful day not long ago. Andy watched in amazement as Tory scuttled quickly away. He returned his gaze to Sheldon.

“Is Tory Winters scared of me?!

“Well why not, look who you play with on the weekends.”

“But… Sheldon…”

“Look,” said Sheldon, “One thing I learned while playing sports is that victory relies as much on psyching your opponent out as it does on skill. So you can’t fight. Big deal. But you did throw yourself in front of Sephiroth because you were afraid for Yazzy. And you did grab that radio tower Cid fights with to do it. The picture’s not a lie, the caption’s not a lie. You really did that.”

“Yeah, I guess I did, huh?” Andy looked down at the photo once more, smiling. “Thanks Sheldon.”

“No problem, Stick-Boy.”

It was the most peaceful day of Andy’s school life. No one bothered him. No one called him names. No one stole his books, rigged his locker, spit in his lunch, or threw him into the girls’ locker room. And when school was over for the day, he grinned as he saw a beautiful leather clad form with long silky white hair lounging on a picnic table in the outdoor study area, waiting for him. Andy walked over to Yazoo, who gazed at him with that unconditional affection that made him melt.

“Am I pretty?”

“Beautiful,” said Andy. He kissed him, and didn’t care who saw.

***---***

It was Friday morning. The last day of the week and then there was the whole weekend ahead of him! WHOO! Sheldon could not wait for the day to end. He was going to pick up Lovely Linda and head down to park, take in a concert, and…

Sheldon paused, blinking, at the hint of white he glimpsed stuck in the crack of his locker door. Puzzled, he slowly pulled it out, finding an envelope. He turned it over in his hands, spying some writing on the front.

It’s probably not quite what you wanted, but I managed to catch these with
my phone Saturday after practice. I printed them out for you.
You may want to see a dentist after you look at them.

- Andy

Curious, Sheldon slowly tore open the sealed envelope, and felt his eyes grow wide in delight at the pair of photographs. The first was Sephiroth, flopped face down in Cid’s hammock, which was pretty much his favourite place to be until his house was rebuilt and he once more had his couch back. He was in his leathers, and still had his wings out, too tired from teaching Reno to use his own to bother pulling them back in. The left wing drooped off the hammock and down onto the ground. Underneath the right wing was Yazoo, looking pretty, that familiar wicked glint in his green eye, resting his upper half on Sephiroth’s back – the Silver Tiger and Cub.

Sheldon grinned, pleased with the photo. He then turned to the second of the two pictures, and felt his jaw drop. It was not terribly different from the first, save that Yazoo had leaned down to plant a kiss on Sephiroth’s temple. Sephiroth had one eye open, and the mildly disgruntled expression read; ‘Did I give you permission to do that in public?’

Sheldon laughed, and just shook his head. He was a little surprised to find he actually had tears in his eyes, he was so thrilled with his gift. Then he laughed again, out loud this time, as he noticed what was written on the back of the second photo.

Here’s your damned kiss-pic, now stop calling me Stick-Boy!!