DethFantasy
Part Three

Rating: R
Category: AU. So very, very AU
Pairing(s): Cloud/Reno, Tifa/Barret, Aeris/Tseng, Zack/Sephiroth, Vincent/Cid, Reeve/Rufus, Yuffie/Elena, Yazoo/Andy, Nathan/Charles.
Warnings: If I tell you then it will spoil the fun.
Summary: The FF crew meet the boys from Dethklok. With luck they’ll all survive.
Notes: For Animama

Illustration by Animama.
Album cover by Pointy using Animama's image (which can be found on her Fan Art page).

Offdensen awoke, blinking into consciousness, becoming aware of a weight on his back. He smiled, and slowly rolled over, reaching down to stroke Nathan’s black hair.

“Good morning,” he said quietly.

Nathan made an indecipherable grunt, still not entirely awake. Offdensen closed his eyes and relished the peace, enjoying this moment of having Nathan with him, and another hour before he had to get up. He toyed with Nathan’s hair, feeling him gradually wake up. Eventually Nathan raised his head and looked at Offdensen, still a little bleary.

“I been thinking. Well… not very hard, but… yeah.”

“What about?”

“This. Us. I been thinking about… uh… how to tell the guys.”

Offdensen stroked the long sleep-tangled hair. “And what have you decided?”

“Well, it’s… kinda stupid to worry about it. If one of us was… like… a girl we wouldn’t be having this conversation. We wouldn’t… y’know… be worrying about what to say, or who to say it to. We’d just… be together. So. Let’s just… be together. Why do we have to announce anything? If this was a straight relationship we wouldn’t have to announce anything. I mean what would we say? I fuck girls? Yeah. Big newsflash.”

Offdensen smiled. “You have a wonderful way of cutting to the meat of an issue. But I agree with you. Okay. Let’s just be together.”

Nathan grinned. “And if anyone tries to gaybash me, you can beat them up.”

“Well I am your lawyer, that is my job.”

Nathan moved over top of him, lowering his head to kiss him. “I think we have to add a new title to your job description.”

“Official consort?”

“I was thinking hot slut-muffin.”

Offdensen stared at him. “Please don’t call me slut-muffin.”

“You’re no fun.” Nathan kissed him softly.

***---***

There was something odd in the air. Everyone could feel it. Skippy was staying in the house, close to the fire. Ifalna and Miki were also staying indoors, and Sephiroth, Loz and Yazoo were edgy. Aeris was not certain what that peculiar sensation was, but as she stood in the garden, gathering tomatoes with Teddy, Tifa and Yuffie, she glanced up at the sky and frowned.

“Not a cloud in sight. So why does everything feel so still? Like a storm was coming.”

“I don’t know,” said Tifa. “But I feel it too. Like something really bad is about to happen.” She glanced over at Teddy. “Well, Mr. Psychic?”

“Dude. I hate snails.” He picked one up and looked at it. “Why can’t you go eat Mrs. Miller’s veggies and leave mine alone?”

The snail craned its long neck, clearly unhappy being up in the air and uncertain what to do about it, being a snail and all. Teddy set it down on a cabbage. He didn’t like cabbage.

“Teddy!” called Tifa, and he turned to look at her.

“What?”

“Why does the air feel so strange?”

“Man what am I, a meteorologist? Maybe it’s going to storm.”

“You don’t sense anything evil?” asked Aeris.

“The only evil I sense is that snail planning on heading right back for my spinach. Awful fast for a little dude with no legs, aren’t you?” He picked the snail up again. “Can you say ‘escargot’?”

“Give him here,” said Yuffie. “I’ll carry him down the field to the dandelion patch.”

Teddy handed her the puzzled gastropod, and she began carrying to a place away from the garden, where hopefully he would stay. Serafina came walking up just then, dressed in her blue dress and white lace sun hat, a basket over her arm. Her appearance heralded the arrival of a huge moose, squirrel firmly in place on his antlers, coming to hang his massive head over the fence that separated his paddock from the garden. Serafina patted the enormous creature.

“How is my good moosie? He’s a good moose, yes. You want a cabbage? I get you a cabbage.” She turned to Aeris, Tifa and Teddy, smiling broadly. “Good morning. Is a nice day, isn’t it?”

Tifa smiled. “Well you are certainly in a good mood this morning, aren’t you?”

“Meh, I wake up not feel so good. Then that big… what’s his name… the tall blonde. Skwisgaar. He sees me standing watering my roses. You would not believe the filthy things he said to me in my ear! I never heard such things! If my Grimoire were alive, he would have had a word with him.”

Aeris gasped. “Serafina that’s dreadful! What did you do?”

“What you think I did?”

“Tell Cid to come beat him up?” suggested Tifa.

Serafina laughed. “At my age, a pretty young man comes up and says dirty things to you, you drag him by the hair into the garden shed. So I did.”

Teddy’s jaw dropped. “You did NOT!”

“I did so! How many chances you think at my age I get to have the bats cleaned out of my cave? And believe me there’s a few.”

Teddy, Aeris and Tifa shrieked. “Serafina you’re awful!” said Aeris. “What did he say to you? I mean… you’re…”

“What? Old? So what, I am still a woman! He likes women. And I like men. So we spent an hour liking each other.”

They laughed. “Are you going to tell Vincent?” asked Tifa.

Serafina waved her off. “No. Why? So he can go sulk in his room for the rest of the day? The kid never did have a sense of humour. Is none of his business. At his age you would think he would learn to lighten up.”

Teddy glanced towards the airfield, spying Skwisgaar down by the gigantic helicopter. “Serafina I can’t believe you. I mean for one thing he’s probably about two feet taller than you.”

“No, it wasn’t that big.”

Teddy winced. “Okay, I’m outta here. Bye.”

“Sissy,” she mumbled as he left. “I don’t see what is big deal. But his accent! Dreadful.”

Aeris giggled. “Oh and no one around here has an accent.”

Serafina pulled up an enormous cabbage to give to Wiliburt. It was accepted gleefully. She watched him as he ate the large vegetable, then looked up at the sky and frowned.

“Is not good out here today.”

“So you feel it, too,” said Aeris.

“I feel something. Like… big storm.”

“But Teddy said he didn’t sense anything bad,” said Tifa.

“But Teddy’s abilities only seem to work when something is about to happen to someone specific,” said Aeris. “Say with Vincent’s miscarriage. He knew Vincent was going to lose the baby. Maybe… oh I don’t know. Is it possible he’s just not picking up on this for some reason?”

“I don’t know,” said Tifa. “If you ask me Teddy’s radar has been off since that band showed up.”

“They do give off a strange air, don’t they?” said Aeris. “Not frightening or evil, just… strange.” She sighed. “Oh I’m sure it’s nothing. Well I have everything I need, let’s get inside. I don’t like it out here.”

Tifa and Aeris left the garden, along with Serafina, still feeling the worrying sensation of impending doom.

***---***

Nathan was standing on the back porch of Cid’s house, staring at the old growth forest that rose up abruptly, like a wall, only a mere few feet away. He’d never seen anything like it before; the huge pine trees, laden with trailing moss, the deep dark earth, the way the sun filtered down through the branches of the mighty pine trees. It was amazing, daunting even, and the imposing form of Wiliburt browsing amidst the branches, his squirrel alert and vigilant on his back, only added to the wonder.

He heard someone come to stand beside him, and turned his head to see Skwisgaar standing there, his long hands resting on the porch rail

“Is nice out here,” Skwisgaar said quietly.

“Yeah. It is.” Nathan watched Wiliburt raise his head and sniff the air, then move a few steps further along the fence to browse on a small shrub. “I like that moose.”

“What moose?”

“The moose right there.”

Skwisgaar looked at Wiliburt.

“Dat’s not a moose.”

“What do you mean that’s not a moose?”

“I’m tellings you dat is not a moose. Dat is an elk.”

“That is not an elk.”

“Is so.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Ja.”

“I think I know what a moose looks like.”

“Ja and I is knowings what an elk looks like. Dat is an elk. I can prove it.” Skwisgaar took out his phone and called Offdensen, who was on the other side of the house.

“Hello?”

“Hey lawyers-man, what’s dat t’ing behind Cid’s house? Da big browns animal?”

“Well in Scandinavia you would call it an elk, and in America it would be called a moose.”

“Okays. T’anks.” He hung up.

“Well what did he say?” asked Nathan.

“He says is an elk and stops being dildos.”

Nathan narrowed his eyes at him, but before he could continue the great moose/elk debate, he felt something grab him around the leg. He looked down, and saw an enormous pair of reddish-brown eyes looking back up at him.

“Hey Nat’an, you fans is getting shorter,” said Skwisgaar.

Nathan bent down and picked up the very small child. “Hey little dude. Wow. You really look a lot like your mom.”

Aiden looked around, then looked down. Deciding the ground was considerably further away than when Mommy picked him up, he put his arms around Nathan’s large neck and held onto him. Nathan glanced at Skwisgaar, at a complete loss as to what he should do. Skwisgaar just stared back.

“I’m really glad they don’t have paparazzi here,” said Nathan.

“Ja dere goes your image downs da toilet. All you needs now is frilly aprons. Maybe some curlers. Dat’s be good. Kid’s cute though. T’inks you is ever have one?”

“No.”

“Me either.”

Nathan raised an eyebrow. “You sure about that? I mean… you know… you’re… well…”

“What?”

“A slut.”

“What has dat gots to do wit’ anyt’ing?”

“Well… maybe you have one you don’t know about.”

“No. Nots goings to be respons-kibles for babies growings up likes me. I make sures of dat.”

Nathan understood that. None of them had a good childhood, but Toki and Skwisgaar’s home life as children had definitely been the worst. Nathan still remembered hearing Skwisgaar’s mother complaining to his own mother, Rose, about coming home to find Skwisgaar had made a huge mess.

“Well that’s what children do,” said Rose. “They make messes. I couldn’t turn my back on Nathan for a minute!”

Eventually it was revealed that the mess Skwisgaar had made at age five had been created over the span of three days, while his mother was off with her latest boyfriend and he was home alone. He still had a faint mark on his neck as a result of the beating he got for the mess. Nathan knew his mother Rose wouldn’t win any parenting awards either, but at least he had never come home to find her drunk and making a porn movie with five strange guys on the floor of the livingroom. Or worse, not there at all, gone for days at a time. Frankly Nathan was amazed Skwisgaar functioned as well as he did. He edged closer to him, and put his free arm around his slender waist. Skwisgaar leaned forward, their noses and brows touching. They didn’t say anything. They didn’t have to.

Both heard the soft click of a camera-phone. They looked to see Cid, cigarette in his teeth, grinning as he looked at the picture he had just taken.

“Awww… ain’t that cuter than a basketful of kittens.”

Nathan gently handed Aiden to Skwisgaar. “Hold this.”

Skwisgaar accepted Aiden, and watched as Nathan tore after Cid, then looked down at the baby he held.

“Let’s takes you in da house,” said Skwisgaar. “I don’ts t’ink you needs to be seeings dis.”

Nathan tore after Cid, moving surprisingly fast for such a large man. Cid had assumed he could easily outdistance him, but that was not turning out to be the case; he could clearly hear what sounded like a freight train moving up behind him, and fast. Crap! He was not gonna get away. Jeez man what to do now? Barret! Just in time!

“Barret! Catch!” Cid tossed the phone to Barret, then veered off in the opposite direction.

Nathan had played football. And he had been good at it. He knew to watch the ball, not the player. So when he saw the cell phone fly through the air and Barret catch it, he naturally went after the phone. Barret, who until this moment had not met Nathan, raised his gun to defend himself, but was not in time to prevent two hundred and sixty pounds of lead vocalist from slamming into him. There was an audible thud of flesh impacting, and the horrid grisly crunch of bone dislocating from cartilage. Barret was knocked off his feet and onto his back, where he lay, trying to catch his breath as Nathan picked up the phone. He opened it, and found the photo Cid had taken, deciding it was a pretty cute picture. In a totally brutal metal way, of course. He sent it to his e-mail, and then deleted it off the phone.

He stood up, a little woozy, his left shoulder clearly dislocated. No matter. He’d done it plenty of other times. As Tifa, Aeris, Offdensen and Teddy watched in horror, Nathan walked over to one of the field stone pillars that held up Cid’s porch and slammed his shoulder against it, ramming it back into place. They winced at the audible wet crunch of the bone being forced back into place.

“Nathan?” asked Tifa. “Are you okay?”

He did not seem to hear her for a moment, then he looked up. “Yeah. I’m good. I need a beer.”

“Nathan,” said Aeris. “You… should probably see a doctor.”

“Maybe later.”

Barret slowly picked himself up off the ground, staring at the long-haired stranger.

“Where the hell did you learn to hit like that? I never been set on my ass like that in my life!”

“Oh,” said Nathan. “Yeah, I… uh… played a little football. Then I got hit in the throat and… uh… that’s where the singing voice comes from.”

“Well I’m Barret. I think you know Cid. You must be one of the guys from that band.”

Cid walked up just then, grinning. “Barret Wallace, meet Nathan Explosion.”

“Yeah well I got the ‘explosion’ part of the name.”

The trio of huge muscled idiots looked at each other.

“Wanna play?” said Nathan.

Tifa slapped her hand over her face. “Be careful with him, he just dislocated his shoulder!”

Cid gave her a dismissive wave from over his shoulder. Tifa growled in frustration, then became aware of a tall form standing behind her. She glanced up at Skwisgaar, who was still holding Aiden.

“So are you going out there too?” she asked.

He snorted disdainfully. “No.” He then lowered his head and whispered an array of suggestions to her that made her eyes widen and her jaw drop. Tifa turned to look up at him, pointing at Barret.

“You see the really big guy out there with the gun on his arm? That’s my boyfriend.”

Skwisgaar looked at Barret, raising one eyebrow. “Den maybe I go asks somebodys else.” He turned his attention to the child he held, who was fascinated by his long golden hair. Tifa watched him as he bumped noses with Aiden.

“Your heavy metal image is taking a thrashing,” she noted.

Skwisgaar snorted again. “Ja lets dem say something. I sets Nat’an on them.”

As he finished speaking, something caught his attention. Tifa noticed the way his blue eyes followed Toki as he moved out of the way of the large men playing football.

“He’s cute,” she said, and immediately sensed his hackles coming up. Geez these guys were all so touchy. She wondered how Offdensen put up with them. For the briefest moment she thought she saw something like a red glare in his eyes, but it was quickly gone. Then he seemed to forget about being annoyed, at least until Pickles came up and stole Aiden.

“Mine,” he said, taking the youngster.

“I doubts it,” said Skwisgaar. “Is far too cutes.”

Offdensen watched Nathan play football with Cid and Barret, inwardly pleased to see him enjoying himself. It was so rare Nathan was able to goof around with other people, without having to be the Metal God. It wouldn’t last long, sadly. They had to get into makeup and start the shoot. They were, after all, supposed to be there to work. But for now… Nathan could play.

Gradually, Offdensen became aware of something on his shoulder, but assumed it was the squirrel. It wasn’t until he noted a distinctly UN-squirrel like aroma of Captain Black cigars that he turned his head and spied a grey rodent on his shoulder; one not of the squirrel variety. It was wearing a slightly bent pointed blue hat, a blue cape, and had a thin cigar hanging out of its mouth. Offdensen stared at the rat. The rat stared back, whiskers twitching, breathing a lethal mix of cigar and mead breath on him. Suddenly realizing what he was looking at, Offdensen jumped and grabbed the thing by its tail, holding it at arm’s length distastefully.

“Oh… gawd… vermin! I hate vermin!” He dropped the rat into the bushes, then shuddered. He received another start when a small green parrot landed on his shoulder a moment later, a considerable amount of froth dripping from its beak.

“Where are all these animals coming from?” he asked as he shooed the parrot.

“Oh, we see them all the time,” said Aeris dismissively.

Offdensen shuddered again, getting himself under control. “I hate rats.”

He straightened his suit jacket, then resumed watched Nathan, Cid and Barret play. Rules seemed optional in this version of the game. Mostly there were a lot of body slams and tackles. By the time Nathan had to start getting ready for filming, there were black eyes, bruises and split lips all around. It was like watching the aftermath of an elementary playground riot.

“That’s just wonderful, Nathan,” said Offdensen. “You’re a complete mess.”

Nathan was still feeling his oats. He charged up onto the porch like a very muddy Brahma bull and captured Offdensen, wrapping his arms around him and picking him up.

“Yeah? What ya gonna do about it?”

“Nathan you have a bug in…” Offdensen squeezed his eyes shut in horror as he was given a blood and mud smeared kiss. Tifa could not help but noticed the expressions of utter shock on Pickles’ and Skwisgaar’s faces as they watched. Clearly this was the first they knew of the relationship. Nathan broke off the kiss, then nuzzled Offdensen affectionately.

“You’re cute when you’re all pissed off,” he said, a worm tumbling out of his hair.

Offdensen squiggled like a cat that knows it is on its way to the bath, to no avail. “I see. Well thank you. I’m on the verge of being fucking adorable.”

Nathan kissed him again, then set him down. He turned to look at his two band mates.

“What are you two staring at?”

Pickles and Skwisgaar exchanged glances. “Dude, I did not see that coming,” said Pickles.

“I don’t t’ink lawyer-mans did eit’er,” noted Skwisgaar. “Or else he would have gottens out of da way.”

Offdensen was looking down at his mud and blood smeared grey suit. He froze as Nathan pounced on him once more and kissed him with obvious affection, leaving a large streak of muck and blood on his face.

“Later, babe.”

Then he was off with Skwisgaar and Pickles to get into makeup, Pickles remembering to hand Aiden to Tifa at the last minute. Tifa glanced over at Offdensen, who looked like a cat that had just been slobbered on by a very large dog.

“I’ve seen that expression on Vincent’s face,” said Aeris.

“There’s always a downside to dating outside your species,” said Teddy.

Offdensen stared down at himself, realizing that the last time he had been this dirty, he had been seven. He glanced at the three people gazing at him.

“I suppose I should be glad he didn’t slap me on the backside. I’ve… really no one to blame but myself for this, do I?”

Aeris and Tifa giggled. Teddy just shook his head and grinned.

***---***

Jamie looked up at the sky from beneath his dark hair, his long shaggy bangs almost obscuring his face. There was a strange sort of stillness to the air, as if a storm was coming. Other people could feel it too, he noticed. He wasn’t the only person looking up. He noticed some of the roadies were tying down the gigantic rotor blades of the Hatredcopter. Something was up. He could feel it. But then everyday was Halloween around Dethklok. Jamie became aware of a silent presence behind him. He didn’t have to look to know who it was; he could hear the faint camera-lens whir of the robotic eyes moving in their sockets.

“Just about set up,” said Jamie quietly.

Dick Knubbler didn’t say anything, which made Jamie’s skin crawl. He could practically see him standing behind him in that white suit and the Nehru jacket. Knubbler was the only guy Jamie had ever seen outside on the 1960’s who could wear a Nehru jacket and make it look good. It was like those collars Don Cherry wore. On him it worked. Knubbler was listening, Jamie knew. They didn’t call him ‘Magic Ears’ for nothing. Knubbler could hear a flea belch. Jamie had personally seen him react to a dog whistle.

“There’s a hum,” Knubbler finally said.

Jamie didn’t question the man. If he said there was a hum, well then there was a hum. He finally tracked down the source of the noise that he was certain no one else on two planets could hear and got rid of it.

“B-better?”

“Yeah. That’s good.” Knubbler looked around. “I hate recording outside.”

Jamie chewed nervously on the edge of his thumb, one leg drawn up on his chair. He didn’t like recording outside either, but what Dethklok wanted, Dethklok got. Everything they did was platinum. He watched as Cid and Aeris got the children inside the stone house.

Something zipped by, black and silver with enormous bat-like wings; the demon-creature they had come so far to film. He darted and flitted with the speed and agility of a sparrow, sometimes mere feet above the ground, then he would shoot straight up into the sky until he was just a tiny little figure. He halted, and for the briefest second seemed to dance on the tip of one wing. Then he dropped like a stone, plummeting until he almost hit the earth before catching himself and levelling out so sharp and fast the edges of his wings cut the tall grass. There was the amplified static of a bull horn being turned on.

“That’s very nice, Mr. Valentine, but we need you over the trees.”

Vincent came zipping back, reaching the trees and catching an up draught. There he spread his immense wings to their fullest and began circling lazily, riding the air currents. A few moments later, Dethklok walked out of their helicopter in full makeup and began making their way towards the trees.

“Showtime,” said Knubbler.

***---***

“And… people actually pay money for this?” said Sephiroth, looking dubious.

“A lot of money,” said Zack.

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. “And people wonder about my sanity.”

Nancy stood beside Aeris, positively wiggling. “Oh I can’t believe I actually get to see them play live like this! Close up and no crowd!”

“Let’s hope we don’t have a repeat performance of the day they got here,” said Cid. “I don’t think I’d like living in a hotel.”

“You could just come stay with Rufus and I,” said Reeve. He looked at his white-clad lover. “Right dear?”

“I suppose the chocobos won’t mind sharing the stable.”

“So… what is ‘death metal’, exactly?” asked Sephiroth.

“Loud,” said Nanaki.

Tifa giggled, hanging onto Barret’s arm. Beside her stood Yazoo and Andy, holding hands. Next to them were Cloud and Reno, along with Yuffie. Elena was on duty with Rude, watching over Rufus. The entire group were roughly fifty feet from where Dethklok were set up, looking bored and annoyed. Skwisgaar gazed around the area, looking out to the sea, his long hair nudged by a listless wind.

“Hey Nat’an, what you suppose we is getting if we plays dat Finnish troll-summonings song here?”

“Sued,” said Nathan.

Pickles acknowledged the lame joke with a rimshot just as Offdensen arrived. He had either managed by some miracle to clean his grey suit, or else he had another one just like it. He stood between Sephiroth and Rufus, dwarfed by their presences.

“Can we is be gettings on wit’ dis?” asked Skwisgaar.

“Just a moment,” said the director.

The band waited. Finally the director seemed satisfied.

“Okay, anytime you’re ready.”

The group watching visibly flinched as the music started, all save for Offdensen. Zack would swear for years afterwards he felt his bones vibrate. The very ground seemed to move, and he immediately picked up the scent of ionized air. It was the same scent that occurred when Aeris was casting one of her spells. Above them the sky began to turn black, and clouds boiled up from nowhere. The wind began to quicken.

“Aeris?” said Cid, looking worried. “Is that you?”

She shook her head. “Definitely not me.” She drew a loud ragged gasp as gigantic black water spouts, four in all, rose out of the ocean, towers of water hundreds of feet high, churning with a demonic roaring noise.

“It’s them,” Zack. “It’s the band.”

Offdensen said nothing one way or another, merely watching. Zack began to feel distinctly nervous, but wasn’t sure what to do about the situation. The crew was holding their ground, continuing to film and record. Offdensen didn’t look worried. He would know if they were in danger, wouldn’t he?

There was an explosively loud ‘snap!’, and suddenly there was blood everywhere. A small tree branch had broken free and somehow managed to impale itself in Sephiroth’s neck. Hot red liquid spurted in all directions, catching Offdensen in the face as Sephiroth sank to his knees, green eyes large with surprise. Zack pounced on him, desperate to stop the bleeding. He knew if he could keep Sephiroth from bleeding to death the wound would regenerate, and quickly. He yanked out the stick, then took the piece of cloth Aeris offered him, pressing it to Sephiroth’s neck.

“Baby talk to me!” said Zack.

Sephiroth closed his eyes, letting the nanites do their work. “I’ll be okay.”

“You’re sure?”

He nodded. “Yes.”

Zack held the cloth in place, waiting for the wound to heal. He glanced up at Offdensen. “How about you?”

“I’m fine.” Offdensen looked down at the blood he was slathered with, then headed into the house to clean off. He went into the ground floor bathroom and looked at himself in the mirror hung behind the sink, noting the blood had caught him square in the face. It had gone into his eyes, his nose, it had even managed to get into his mouth. He took off his glasses and began scrubbing, hearing someone walk into the bathroom.

“Charles?”

“Hello Rufus. I thought it would be in very bad taste to ask this as Zack is trying to stop his significant other from bleeding to death, but…”

“He doesn’t have any ailments you need worry about.”

Offdensen breathed a sigh of relief. “I thought as much, but, well, it never hurts to check. Will Sephiroth be all right?”

Rufus nodded. “Yes. With his regenerative capabilities he should be just fine in a little while. The wound has already begun to close. Are you all right?”

“A little shaken, but fine.”

Both men paused as a violent gust of wind hit the house. They went running back outside to see the entire world had turned black, and they were in the center of a veritable maelstrom. The wind howled, and the waterspouts towered and swayed in the distance like satanic serpents. The power cables that were snaking through the grass to feed the equipment were snapping with faint arcs of blue light, and Rufus watched as a tree snapped off at the base and tumbled through the air to body-slam his blue roadster. The car exploded, and a flaming piece of engine went hurtling through the air, flying off the end of the runway and onto the beach, where it fatally wounded a seafood vendor’s cart, which also exploded. Stray pets and sea gulls rejoiced. Then the rain suddenly began slamming down. Or was it rain? Rufus sniffed his arm. No… smelled like… sea water…

Rude and Elena were suddenly on him, throwing him to the ground as a gigantic emerald green form, bellowing its outrage, went sailing overhead. With absolute astonishment Rufus watched as Emerald Weapon went hurtling past and collided with the Hatredcopter, machine and monster rolling and tumbling like a scene from a Godzilla movie. A rotor snapped off and went flying through the air, heading down to the town and skewering a small Shinra-owned electrical plant.

“Oh come on!” Rufus screamed. “This is bullshit! Oh not my…. SON OF A FUCKING BITCH!”

Elena and Rude did their level best to keep Rufus pinned as Weapon stood up, tottered unsteadily, then fell over and slid on his back down the sloping hill into town, crushing what was left of the power plant with a phantasmal display of sparks. He then somersaulted forward to land on his face, flattening a Cessna beneath his gigantic bulk.

“Where the hell were these guys when we were fighting these jackasses?” demanded Barret. He was suddenly slapped onto his butt by something that looked for all the world like a very large, drenched, and wind-blown bat. Vincent and Barret rolled to a stop on the soft grass, and, after a few moments, Vincent slowly sat up.

“I just remembered why I quit show business,” he said.

Cid ran over to Vincent, kneeling beside him on the wet grass as the song ended. The water spouts receded into the ocean, the clouds cleared, and the wind faded to a soft breeze. There was a profound silence.

“Should we do another take?” asked Nathan.

Nancy hopped up and down, waving a flaming lighter over her head. “Encore!”

Rufus permitted Elena and Rude to help him to his feet. He was wet and grass stained, and in a terrific amount of pain. He straightened his coat, then focused on Nancy.

“Hurt her,” he said. “Don’t kill her. Just… hurt her. A little. Sand in her undergarments will suffice.”

Nancy blinked at Elena and Rude. “You guys… wouldn’t. Really?”

Rude straightened his tie as Elena adjusted her black leather gloves.

“We’re Turks,” said Elena. “We’re professionals. Whatever it is, we do the job.”

Nancy stared at the Turks. Elena cracked her knuckles. Suddenly Nancy shrieked and fled, Elena and Rude tearing after her. Reno watched them go, pouting.

“I miss that,” he said.

“What?” asked Cloud. “Putting sand in women’s panties?”

“Being a Turk.”

Cloud reached up to touch his face. “You could always go back. There’s no reason for you not to.” He smiled slightly. “We could certainly use the income and benefits.”

Reno thought for a little while, then looked at Rufus. “Can I have my job back, yo?”

Rufus was still trying to get himself in order. “Have it back? Who fired you?”

“Well I sorta quit after I got my ass kicked, yo.”

“Did you?” Rufus thought about that. “Let’s just say it was extended sick leave. Which, in many ways, it was.”

“So… when am I back on the clock?”

Rufus looked at his watch, raising an eyebrow, watching as the hands crept towards one pm. “Now.”

Reno tore after Rude and Elena. There was much screaming and screeching down on the beach.

“So nice to see him happy,” said Cloud.

“Cloud?” said Zack.

Cloud turned to his friend, who was kneeling beside his lover. “What is it?”

“Can you help me get him onto his feet and into the house? He’s fine but he’s a little woozy.”

Zack and Cloud picked up Sephiroth and helped him walk into the house, taking him up to their room. Down by the beach Weapon staggered to his feet and stumbled back into the ocean, all too happy to concede defeat. The Hatredcopter was lying on its side, one rotor snapped off, the tail damaged, a hole opened in its side.

“Well dat’s goings nowhere,” said Skwisgaar.

Cid snorted. “I can fix it.”

Toki looked at him, surprised. “You can dos dat?”

“Ja I can dos… I mean yes I can do that. Dammit. Now you’ve got me doing it. Just let me call my crew. We’ll get on it.”

Toki pounced on him, giving him a big hug. Cid grinned and picked him up, returning the hug, then looked at Offdensen.

“Can I keep him?”

“No,” growled a low voice with a heavy Swedish accent. Cid turned to look at Skwisgaar, and for the briefest second thought he saw a flicker of hellfire red in his blue eyes. He couldn’t be sure, but something told him that he didn’t want to press the joke. He set Toki down and slowly walked away, telling himself the tall blonde Swede did not exude the faintest whiff of sulphur.

***----***

It was the end of a long exhausting day. It had been a month since they had wrecked their helicopter, but Cid and his crew seemed to be getting it repaired in record time. The videos almost done, the photos were shot for the album cover, and all told they had been on Gaia roughly three months. It had been a fun adventure, but it was starting to wear thin.

“Is times to go home,” Toki mumbled as he and Skwisgaar walked through the Hatredcopter, both covered in corpse-paint.

Skwisgaar snorted. “T’oughts you was home. T’oughts you is goings to moves in wit’ Cid.”

Toki was in no mood for one of Skwisgaar’s infamous and numerous snits. He stopped short, and looked him dead in the eye.

“Whats do you care?”

The confrontation brought Skwisgaar to a halt. Toki usually defended himself during these spats, but he rarely got his hackles up and fought back. As Skwisgaar stared at him blankly, Toki asked the question again.

“Whats do you care? Whats you caring if I stays and live wit’ Cid? I never understands you. You picks on me, unplugs my guitar, calls me names… buts da minutes I is making friends wit’ anyone is not you, suddenly you is having bitch-fit.”

Skwisgaar backed up a step, off-balance and not caring for it. He floundered for a response, but Toki didn’t give him a chance. His next statement went for the throat.

“You is liking me, isn’t you? Like Nathan and Offdensen. Likes dat.”

Skwisgaar’s preference was definitely for the female of the species, but he had never refused a bed partner simply for being male, and Toki knew it. He’d long had his suspicions about the reasons behind Skwisgaar’s constant harassment, and his adverse reaction to him spending time with anyone not in the band. Toki had no idea why he was calling him on it now, other than he was bone tired and stressed and just wanted his own bed. However he forgot about that when Skwisgaar quietly nodded.

“Ja I do,” he admitted softly.

Toki rocked visibly, eyes wide, and it was a long time before he found his voice again. “Den why is you pullings all dis on me?”

Skwisgaar shifted into Norwegian, a language he spoke as well as his native Swedish, not wishing to struggle to make himself understood, and not especially wanting other people to eavesdrop.

“Because I don’t know how to be with another person. And… I had no idea how you would react. It just seemed easier to keep you at arm’s length.”

Toki understood that implicitly. His own childhood had taught him little about how to love, and be loved. Skwisgaar was a slut because that was how he saw people interact. Toki hid in his world of childish things because every time he had shown the remotest interest in adulthood he had been beaten for thinking “filthy thoughts”. Toki lowered his head, letting his hair fall over his face.

“I don’t want to be kept at arm’s length. But… frankly I don’t want to be nine hundred and eighty on a list of ten thousand, either.”

Skwisgaar stepped forward, lowering his head, not quite touching him, lapsing into English once more.

“How is about nine hundred and eighty on list of nine hundred and eighty?”

“I coulds do dat.” Toki peered at Skwisgaar from beneath his long brown hair. “If you is nots minding beings one on list of one.”

Skwisgaar thought about that. “Ones guy?”

“One,” said Toki.

“ONE?! You means you…never?”

“No.”

Skwisgaar tried to process that, shaking his head. But the longer he thought about it, the more it made sense. Toki always seemed to vanish once the parties started to get a little wild. But… he never vanished alone.

“Whats about dat girl, what her name is being, Belinda? She’s always back stage, you leaves tickets for her at every show, and yous always goings off togethers. You two never…?”

“Belinda nice girl,” said Toki quietly. “We play cards, we talks, drink, watch movies.” He shrugged. “I teach her to plays da guitar, she tells everybody’s I’s good in bed.”

Skwisgaar stared at him for a long moment, one eyebrow raised, his full upper lip curled slightly in disbelief.

“I is havings hard time believings dis.”

“I is nots much caring whats you is having hards about.”

“You never…?”

“What is so difficults to believe?”

“Is just never occurring to me anyones in metals band could still be virgin.”

Toki thought about that. “I don’t know, some of dose guys is dildo uglies.”

“Ja I suppose dat is true. But… yous not.”

Toki smiled. “You nots either.”

Skwisgaar moved closer, resting one hand on the wall behind Toki, lowering his head. “So… you wants to goes to my room for while, little Tokis?”

Toki looked nervous. “Skwisgaar… I… really not sure.”

“Is okay.” He nuzzled him gently. “We nots have to dos not’ings you is nots wanting to.”

“What I nots wanting is seeings you wit’ someone else, man or lady.” Toki stared at his taller companion, his voice soft as he spoke, but with an underlying intensity. “I serious abouts dis.”

“I knows.”

Toki looked into the blue eyes, trying to read them. Finally he nodded.

“Okay den.” He smiled shyly. “You can show me whats all da screaming is about.”

***---***

Charles Offdensen sat in the back of the enormous limo, head bowed, face buried into his palms. He could feel Nathan’s huge hand gently rubbing his back, trying to console him, in between snorts and chuckles.

“I have never in my life been so mortified,” Offdensen said, his words muffled by his hands.

“Mortified?!” said Pickles. “Dude, it was awesome! I just hope someone remembered to record the show!!”

They had been back on earth a few weeks now, back to their happily demented lives. Their latest album had been nominated for several awards, so the night of the televised Billboard Music Awards they piled into the limo and headed down the to enormous building in which they were being held. As Offdensen expected, the boys were not properly dressed, not sober, and not well behaved. But they were Dethklok. People expected it. Except for some reason tonight his boys had been less trouble than normal, as if they somehow knew they were up for something special. And they were. Not even Offdensen was aware of the honour being done his band. So when they were called up to be informed they were now officially a part of the rock and roll Hall of Fame, the looks of utter shock and confusion on their faces delighted viewers from all over the world. More delightful was when Toki looked around and asked; “Deys said us, right?”

The band had almost reached the stage when Nathan came thundering back down the aisle to get Offdensen. It was a sweet gesture; including him in the event, even if getting stuck on stage between Nathan and Skwisgaar did make him look like even more of a shrimp than he was. No matter. His boys were getting praised by their peers, and they were thrilled.

Offdensen was by now aware that he was not especially well, but he didn’t think much of it. The lights were hot, and he’d had a fair bit of champagne. Small wonder his head was spinning. He would be fine. Just breathe deep, that was it. Just breathe. Everything would be fine. He caught a glimpse of himself in the monitor, looking quite pale. No matter. This would be over in a minute. He could sit down and rest, and make sure he stayed away from the champagne for the rest of the night. He never did much care for it. Then the world went grey and tilted, and that was when…

“You spewed your lunch all over Ozzy Osbourne and passed out!” Pickles was clearly delighted. “That was the most metal thing I ever saw!”

“I’m sure Mr. Osbourne was pleased,” muttered Offdensen.

“It wash pretty cool,” said Murderface. “And I really liked the way you took the time to blend your textures.”

“Thank you, William.” Offdensen only recalled bits and pieces from when he fainted, but he did recall Pickles stepping over him to take the mic, and his words to the audience.

“You’ll have to forgive our manager. He doesn’t get out much.”

The paramedics came and checked him over, but were satisfied with Offdensen’s conviction that it was too much champagne with too little dinner and blazing hot lights. Thoroughly humiliated, Offdensen climbed into the limo and lay down on the soft leather seats, and that was where he stayed until the show was over.

Nathan rubbed his back with his free hand, glass of champagne in the other. He was definitely not sober. “That was pretty brutal, y’know… blowing chunks over Ozzy.”

“Hey I just remembered, I set the TV to record the show,” said Pickles. “So we can like… watch Offdensen do the technicolour yawn over and over again.”

“I’ve never been so mortified in all my life,” muttered Offdensen.

“Dude, don’t sweat it,” said Pickles. “It’s metal, you’re supposed to, like, you know, do something retarded once in a while. Did I ever tell you about the time me, Tony and Candy got wasted on Curacao and we made Tony drink this glass of what we said was Malibu and ice but really it was raw eggs and cold chicken fat?”

Offdensen went three shades of colour simultaneously; green, white, and grey. Pickles beat the glass separating them from the driver with his fist.

“Stop the limo!”

The vehicle jerked to a halt. Offdensen threw open the door, then coughed up what felt like everything he had ever eaten in his life. The abrupt halt was enough to disturb Toki and Skwisgaar, who had been in a comfortable drunken doze. Skwisgaar had his long legs stretched out on the leather seat of the luxurious vehicle, his back against the side of the car. Beside him lay Toki on his side, wedged between Skwisgaar and the back of the seat, one long hand on Skwisgaar’s flat stomach, his head on his shoulder. As the vehicle jolted he raised his head, blinking sleepily.

“Is we home?” he asked, reaching up to rub one eye.

Offdensen finished throwing up. Then with his remaining strength he yanked the door shut and dropped to the carpeted floor of the limo, which began moving forward once more. It was hardly typical behaviour for him. Nathan set his drink aside, then leaned down and helped him onto the seat. Offdensen collapsed against his huge body, closing his eyes. Murderface looked from Nathan and Offdensen, to Toki and Skwisgaar, then at Pickles.

“We should just change our name to ‘Kweerklok’ and be done with it. It ish kinda odd no one sheems to have noticed all this, though.”

“Yeah well we’ve always been kinda exclusionary,” said Pickles.

“Jusht as well. Thish ish not metal. At. All.”

Toki raised his head, barely able to open his eyes. He was very drunk, and a drunk Toki was an unpredictable Toki.

“Gay’s totally metal,” he said.

“It ish not,” said Murderface.

“Ja, is.”

“Prove it.”

“Okay. I prove it.” Toki pulled out his Dethphone and began punching numbers… a lot of numbers.

“Ish he calling Norway on a shell phone?” asked Murderface.

Pickles was grinning. “Yeah I think he is.”

Toki finished punching numbers, and waited for his call to be answered. “Hi papa, is Toki. I wanteds to tells you somet’ing. No I nots drunk… much. You remembers you is takes me to grow up in abandoned village outside Lillehammer? You says you wants keep me safes from temptations, likes… girls? You is say girls is bad, dey is da devil, dey is leads me down bads road… ja… likes dat. So... I know what I is goings to say to you will makes you very happy because you never has to worries abouts me beings wit’ bad evil girls.” Pause. “Well because I am fucking Skwisgaar.”

The screaming could be heard all over the limo. Toki held the phone away from his ear, waiting for the stream of hysterical and abusive Norwegian to die down before he brought it close once more.

“Ja I is loves you too, papa. I is leavings now so you is can be sharings da good news wit’ mama. Ja. Farvel.”

Toki hung up and put the phone away, then settled contentedly against Skwisgaar. Nathan, Pickles and Murderface stared in open-mouthed astonishment.

“THAT,” said Murderface, “was the mosht metal thing I ever shaw.”

Pickles nodded. “Yeah the Reverend Wartooth ain’t gonna recover from that anytime soon.”

“It… it’sh sho brutal!” said Murderface, awe in his voice. “You totally ruined hish life! I wanna do that!” He looked at Pickles, who returned the gaze, raising one eyebrow.

“Dude, forget it okay? I am not going out with you.”

Murderface spluttered with indignity. “Why not? Whatsh wrong with me?”

“Dude, I am not going out with anyone who thinks beans and boiled cabbage are a pre-bedtime snack. Go ask Knubbler, okay? I think he might actually like you.”

“Well maybe I will then!”

“Good.”

Nathan looked down at Offdensen, who was settled against his chest, eyes closed, glasses slightly askew. He gently took them off and placed them in the pocket of Offdensen’s suit, and kissed his face. He drew him a bit closer, then closed his eyes.

***---***

It was lunchtime at Mordhaus, the day after Offdensen’s infamous on-screen appearance. Offdensen walked into the dining area, slightly late, and went to his usual spot at the table.

“You’re late,” said Nathan. “We were starting to wonder.”

“Yes, sorry about that. I was rather concerned by the way I had been feeling of late so I went to get checked out by the doctors. They… detected some rather odd findings, so we ended up having to contact a Dr. Gaywell on Gaia. She was most helpful, actually.”

“So are you okay?” asked Pickles.

“Oh I can assure you I’m perfectly healthy.”

“Well that’s good,” said Nathan. “So… what’s with all the… chucking your biscuits and passing out?”

Offdensen took his cloth napkin and neatly laid it over his lap. He arranged his cutlery to his satisfaction, then crossed his legs at the ankle as he laid his hands, one atop the other, on the table. He gazed at his five dining companions. They gazed back.

“Well, gentlemen, it’s official. I’m pregnant.”

They froze. There was a terrible silence, broken only by the sound of Toki’s fork falling to the plate, then bouncing off the china and down to the floor. Absolutely no one moved. At least not until Nathan’s eyes rolled back in his head and he fell backwards off his chair, knocking himself unconscious as he hit the floor. It was Murderface who broke the silence.

“Told you we should have filmed in Hawaii.”