Little Visitor

Rating: PG
Category: AU
Pairing(s): Nathan/Charles
Warnings: Babies
Summary: Pickles’ niece comes for a visit.
Notes: Just a funny little bunny that hopped up and bit me.

Charles was used to hearing incomprehensible babbling coming from the main fire hall, but this wasn’t the usual sort of incomprehensible babbling. This sounded intentional. And the squeaky little giggles of approval told him that his worst fears were being realized.

There was a baby in that room.

Charles didn’t like babies. He wasn’t any good with them, he didn’t know how to relate to something that was completely irrational, and they had a disgusting habit of projectile vomiting at a moment’s notice. They stunk, they screamed, and they should be kept in specially designed isolation tanks until age eighteen. And the fact that he was expected to coo and gush over them just made it all so much worse. Cooing and gushing were not in his nature. Charles sighed wearily. May as well go in and find out who had accidentally reproduced himself.

Please don’t let it be Murderface.

He walked into the main hall and breathed a sigh of relief as he saw Pickles’ mother Molly standing there. All right then, no paternity suits, just a visit from Pickles’ brand new baby niece. Two months old and already Seth was sick of the kid. Charles had long suspected that Pickles was going to end up raising the child, and judging from the pile of baby stuff in the room it was going to be a long stay. Pickles was currently holding her, while Skwisgaar, Toki and Murderface eyed the little bundle with curiosity. Or maybe it was hunger. Charles could never tell. Pickles looked up.

“Hey Ahfdensen, come meet my niece.”

Charles eyed the drooling little horror from across the room. “She’s very lovely.”

“You know it’sh really amazing,” said Murderface. “She looksh just like Picklesh but she shtill managesh to be cute.”

Skwisgaar walked over to Pickles and gently took the baby. “You don’ts bes wastings you time wit’ dose losers, you come visits wit’ me.”

Charles watched as Skwisgaar handled the infant as if he had been doing it all his life. But then he should hardly be surprised; it was a baby girl, and females of all ages seemed to adore Skwisgaar. Charles forced himself to sound merely curious as opposed to dread-filled when he asked the question most on his mind.

“So how long is she going to be visiting with us?”

“Oh just a few months,” said Molly. “Until Seth gets out of jail.”

Terrific.

“I keeps her,” said Skwisgaar. He held the infant up and looked into her eyes, babbling Swedish nonsense at her. The baby kicked her feet in approval, smiling widely. Toki looked from the baby, to Charles, to the baby, then back to Charles.

“Is you and Nat’an goings to have a family?” asked Toki.

“Dear God, no!” said Charles with far more force than he intended. Toki, Skwisgaar, Pickles, Murderface and Molly all stared at him. Charles cleared his throat. “I mean we… haven’t discussed it.”

Charles sensed a slight shift in the atmosphere in the room; that little creepy tingling sensation just under his skin that told him the boys had clued into a brand new way to make his life hell.

“Oh, come on Charlies!” said Skwisgaar. “Is you tryings to tells us you don’ts like babies?”

“I never said that.” ‘Oh Lord they were onto him.’

“How can you nots like babies?” said Toki.

‘Oh let me count the ways.’ “I never said I did not like them. I just…”

Skwisgaar walked over to Charles and handed him the tiny baby girl. Oh… yay, oh this just so made his day, a reeking wet snot-and-drool factory all dressed up in little booties and a cute green dress.

“What am I supposed to do with this?” he asked.

Nathan roamed into the room just then, walking over to Charles. He came to stand beside him, looking down at the tiny girl.

“Awwwww…. Hi baby!”

Charles narrowed his eyes and gave Nathan a sidelong look. Oh great, Mr. Metal had more parenting instincts than he did.

“We was just sayings you and Charlies should adopt!” said Toki.

“Y’think?” said Nathan.

“Yeah!” said Murderface.

“No!” said Charles. “No I am sorry but I do not do diapers, I do not do snot, I do not do puke and I do not do drool!”

“Whoa,” said Nathan. “Brutal.”

“Aw don’t be hard on him,” said Murderface. “It’sh not hish fault robotsh have no parental inshtinctsh.”

“For your information I have children,” said Charles. “Five of them. One Swedish, one Norwegian, and three American.”

Nathan stood behind Charles, wrapping his arms around him. “Aw come on Charles. Wouldn’t you like a family some day?”

“No. I specifically requested to be born gay for the precise reason that I could find a life partner who would not screw up a perfectly good relationship by having babies.”

Nathan nuzzled him softly. Dammit why did this man always reduce him to a weak-kneed teenager? Charles fought back a smile, but it escaped anyway.

“Aw come on,” said Nathan. “You don’t think there might come a day when you wouldn’t like to just settle down, start a family…”

“No. And you don’t either. You’re just testing my resolve.”

Nathan growled very softly in his ear. Charles felt himself turning into goo. Oh man, why did Nathan affect him like this? Why was it that this man could just purr into his ear and all of a sudden he was thinking things that he had absolutely no business thinking? Well… maybe it wouldn’t be too bad…

The baby suddenly spewed milk all over the front of Charles’ shirt at the same time her diaper sprung a leak and something like rancid mashed peas leaked out. Pickles dove in and claimed his niece as Charles just stood with a look of profound disgust on his face.

“Ah… sahry,” said Pickles.

Charles was rooted to the floor in complete horror, feeling unspeakable substances run down his expensive silk blend suit. After a moment he turned and began walking out of the room with much the same demeanour as a wet cat. He went down to his apartment, slithered distastefully out of his suit, tossed it into the trash, and went into the bathroom. He poured himself a deep hot bath, added scented salts and oils, and got in.

The next person who offered him a baby to hold was getting a shot in the guts.

Nathan walked into the bathroom, pulling his clothes off and getting into the bath with Charles. Water overflowed, soaking the tile floor as Nathan sat down behind Charles, gently pulling him close.

“Poor Charlie.”

“We’re not adopting and that’s final! I don’t like children, they don’t like me, it’s a mutual arrangement that suits us both.”

Nathan nuzzled him, taking the soap and gently rubbing it over it over Charles’ back, his shoulders, gently lathering him up before he used his massive hands to begin massaging Charles’ tense muscles.

“Fine. No adopting. I was just teasing anyway. But… uh… I had an idea.”

Charles raised an eyebrow. “Oh yes?”

Nathan slid his large hands over Charles’ warm, soapy flesh. “Well… there’s never been a def... defintiv…”

“Definitive?”

“Yeah. There’s never been a definitive study saying two men can’t have a baby.”

Charles glanced over his shoulder at the very large form behind him, gazing into intense green eyes “Well… no. There’s not really any need to do a definitive study on that.”

“Yeah but… we could do our own. Every night.”

Charles purred as the large hands slid over his body, caressing him. “Well… I suppose we could. I mean if you think it’s a matter that bears closer examination.”

“And we could see if uh… different locations are a factor. Like… are we less likely to not make a baby in the tub than we are in the bed.”

“Oh yes, that’s logical. So when should we begin?”

Nathan slipped a hand down beneath the water, seeking and finding the opening between his firm buttocks and gently teasing it. Charles shivered, closing his eyes.

“I think we should start now,” said Nathan softly. “No use waiting.”

Charles turned in the bath to face Nathan, straddling him, easing himself down onto the massive stiff shaft, slowly and carefully working it deeper and deeper inside himself.

“You know if you do get me pregnant you’re taking all the night time feedings.”

“Right after I call the National Enquirer.”

Charles laughed. Nathan grinned, sliding his hands down Charles’ wet gleaming body, the motion of their lovemaking sending little waves over the sides of the bath, soaking their clothing and towels.