Porn

Rating: R
Category: AU
Pairing(s): None
Warnings: None
Summary: You think you know a guy…
Notes: This story has an accompanying illustration by Animama

Nathan wasn’t sure why he watched porn anymore. Sure, there had been a time when it had been incredibly stirring, when his young male hormones had burned for sex of any kind. But… it was losing its arousing capabilities. Pretty much anything he could find on line, he’d done in real life. Now porn was more for its comedic appeal than sexual. But every now and then he tripped across something that… well… just really needed to be looked at. The website he had just discovered certainly came under that heading. Currently he, Skwisgaar, Pickles and Murderface were sitting in the hot tub, the floating laptop before them, their heads all cocked to the left like a group of confused terriers, trying to decipher exactly what they were looking at.

“That can’t be comfortable,” said Pickles.

“I know,” said Nathan. “But… I mean… what is it?”

Pickles leaned forward and squinted, then said “Oh well that’s why we were confused, that’s not a giant stuffed bear, it’s a guy in a suit.”

Nathan closed that window and clicked on a thumbnail. Slowly the heads went to the right.

“Oh she’sh not getting paid enough for that,” said Murderface.

“Dood, how do you know what she’s getting paid?" said Pickles.

“I don’t, but… I mean look at it.”

They did.

“Definitely not enough,” said Nathan.

Offdensen walked in, opened his mouth to speak, then stopped dead and stared.

“Oh dear god, what are you looking at that for?”

“It’s educational,” said Nathan.

Offdensen blinked, then slowly raised one sceptical eyebrow. “Educational?” he said dryly.

“Well yeah,” said Nathan, closing the window and clicking on a new thumbnail. “There’s biology… and… uh… anatomy….”

“Abnormals spy-chology,” said Skwisgaar.

“Very abnormal,” said Murderface.

“Is that a baseball bat?” asked Pickles.

“I can’t believe you would want to look at that,” said Offdensen.

“Well we don’t look at in front of Toki,” said Nathan.

“Well I am very glad to hear that. Anyway if I can possibly have your attention for a moment…”

“Hey, opens dats one,” said Skwisgaar.

Nathan did. Murderface took one look and recoiled in horror, slapping a hand over his eyes.

“Oh…good god, jeesh! It’s GUYSH!”

“I know is guys, you t’inks I is nots knowing naked man when I sees one?”

“Well why do you want to look at THAT?!”

“I’s knowing dat guy.”

“Really?” said Pickles. “Which one?”

“Dats ones dere, da little guy withs da long hair wearings da leather straps.”

“So who is it?” asked Nathan.

Skwisgaar stared at the small man, who was being assailed from both ends by a pair of truly enormous and very nicely built black men, their skin shining softly with sweat.

“I can’ts thinks, but… I knows him! I know I knows him!”

“Dood,” said Pickles. “I think I do too.”

“He doesh look kinda familiar,” said Muderface.

“We need to get a look at his face when his mouth’s not full,” said Nathan. “Wait, there. Look. Hey you’re right, we do know him. That’s…”

There was dead stunned silence, and four jaws dropped in perfect unison. Slowly four heads swung to look at the dapper little man in the expensive suit. Offdensen returned the gaze, crossing his arms.

“What? You think law school, accountancy, and business management courses pay for themselves?”