The Vole Happens

Rating: R
Category: AU
Pairing(s): Toki/Skwisgaar.
Warnings: Rodents.
Summary: Toki takes Skwisgaar camping.
Notes: Birthday crack ficlet for silvarbelle! Happy birthday babe! Plotbunny by mirien.

Skwisgaar had been a city kid. Nature was not his friend. Nature was something you paid to go see in a zoo, where it was confined and couldn’t maim you. So why he had let Toki talk him into going camping in the woods was beyond him. Of course… Toki seemed to have a disturbing ability to talk him into a lot of things he would never normally do. All Toki had to do was give him the big wet chibli eyes and the wibblie lower lip and Skwisgaar folded like a cheap suit. He’d never been in love before and he wasn’t certain that he cared for the results of this emotion. For one thing it enabled certain Norwegian guitar players to convince him to do things he had absolutely no business doing. Like camping. Skwisgaar perched on a stump and stared at the surrounding trees suspiciously.

“I don’ts likes dis,” he grumped disdainfully.

“Aw don’ts be dats way Skwisgaar! Camping is fun!”

Skwisgaar watched a centipede tromp by. “Dis is nots fun. If man was meants to goes campings he would nots has inventeds da house.”

Toki just rolled his eyes and finished setting up camp, then built a fire and began making dinner. Skwisgaar remained on his stump, at least until his stomach began to growl and the scent of sausages and eggs lured him down from his perch. He cautiously left the safety of his high point and approached the camp fire, seating himself on a log.

“Poor Skwisgaar,” said Toki. “You gets used to it! Is nice out here! Look at da cute squirrel over dere!”

Skwisgaar looked at the squirrel, raising an eyebrow. “I don’ts likes it. It looks likes is planning somet’ings.”

“Is just a squirrel.”

“Is evils.”

“Well dat’s cool.”

“Ja evil squirrels is cool.” Skwisgaar looked around. “Toki… I don’ts likes dis wood. Alls da animals here is strange. Why is dere two otters lookings at us? An’ dat rat. Why rats out in woods anyway, rat live in da sewer.”

“Just ignore rat.”

“Ja I woulds if it stops taking notes.”

“At least da two fairy lefts an’ tooks da garden gnome wit’ dem.”

Skwisgaar shook his head, looking up nervously as a bat swooped by. “I nots likings dis, Toki. We goes home in da morning, ja?”

Toki sagged in disappointment, but did not complain. “Okies. We go in da morning. I was really hopings you likes it.”

Skwisgaar said nothing, but he did feel the smallest bit sad that Toki was unhappy. Still he was far too excited at the prospect of leaving this place to feel too bad. He would make it up to him.

“I sorries Toki.”

“Is okies Skwisgaar.” Toki sniffed.

Ah crap. He made him cry. Great. Just great. Wasn’t the upside of dating another guy supposed to be a lack of emotional blackmail?

“Ah Tokis…”

“I just wanteds to shares dis wit’ you, campings special to me! Was only time… was only time… papa love me.”

Oh great spanking tantrum-tossing Odin in a sidecar, pack the bags and fire up the tourbus, kiddies, we’re going on a guilt trip.

“Well…” said Skwisgaar carefully, “we stays tonights, and maybes tomorrow if is nots too horribles we… stay one more night.”

Toki brightened up immediately, pouncing on him and kissing him hard. “See? Dat’s why I loves you, you bestest nicest most beautifuls boyfriends ever.”

Well how could he argue with that? At least the little creep gave him the love and adoration he so richly deserved, so what if Toki wanted to camp for a weekend? It was just a weekend….

Hmmmm… warm naked Toki in a tent. Now that had possibilities.

“Maybes we… go inside?” Skwisgaar suggested.

Toki nodded breathlessly. “Ja. C’mon, I wants you.”

Camping was definitely becoming fun.

They went into the tent, falling onto the pile of blankets and sleeping bags, holding each other close as they kissed and caressed. Skwisgaar rolled onto his back, feeling Toki’s weight on top of him. It was so good, so comforting. He had never thought he would want a man, let alone have a man inside of him. But Toki completed him, and when Toki was on top of him then Skwisgaar felt something he had never felt in his entire life – safe.

Toki pulled off Skwisgaar’s shirt and began kissing his neck, stroking his hands over his shoulders and chest. Skwisgaar drew up one long leg in invitation, hoping Toki would take the hint. All around them was soft twilight and the gentle chirp and trill of insects and small birds. Then Toki kicked off his boots, and reached down to unbuckle Skwisgaar’s, drawing them off. He blinked at what he found inside the boots.

“Where you gets fluffy black Hello Kitty socks, and why Hello Kitty gots bloody vampires fang?”

“Was births-days present from Pickle.”

“Biths-days? Awww… dat’s nice. Skwisgaar?”

“Ja Toki?”

“We really sucks as Nihilists.”

“I knows.” He raised his head, listening as something scampered past their tent. “Whats was dat?”

Toki peeked out, spying a red-backed vole busily searching for food. “Just little animals. Nothing scary.”

He returned to Skwisgaar, pulling him close and kissing him, sliding his strong hands over his lover’s body, kissing him, caressing him. This was nice. Maybe camping was fun after all…

It shot into the tent like a hysterical fluffy ping-pong ball, ricocheting around the nylon confines of the small chamber, squeaking pitifully in fright. Seconds later a pine martin charged in after it. Martin and vole tore around the inside of the tent with the sort of ping-pong action normally only seen in bullets and cartoons. Predator and prey engaged in a lethal high-speed comic book chase, then the vole shot straight up Skwisgaar’s pant leg. Undeterred, the martin dove in after it. Skwisgaar screamed. Toki screamed. The vole screamed. Toki grabbed the martin by its tail and pulled it out of Skwisgaar’s pant leg, only to find himself holding two feet of angry trouser weasel. The martin bit him savagely, and Toki tossed it out of the tent. He then helped Skwisgaar extract the small terrified rodent from his pants. The vole was in desperate need of smelling salts and a glass of gin, but was otherwise fine. Toki put the small animal in a berry bush to recover, while Skwisgaar began angrily packing.

“We leavings rights now!” Skwisgaar announced tearfully. Toki did not argue, he merely began packing up as well, and within a half an hour they were on their way home.

***---***

“Hey Toki! I thought you were out camping,” said Pickles. He was soaking happily in the hot tub with Nathan and Murderface. Toki walked over to the bar and poured a couple drinks.

“Hi Pickle. Ja we was outs camping, buts didn’t go so well.”

Pickles noticed the small punctures on the side of Toki’s face. “What happened?”

“Da vole happens is what! Is small vole runnings alls over da place, an’ it runs up into Skwisgaar’s pants! Den I grabs Skwisgaar’s pants-weasel an’ it bites me. Its was tryings to eats da vole buts I caughts it an’ puts it outside. Den Skwisgaar wants to comes home so we packs up an leave. Is just as well, is raining now. I see you guys in da mornings.”

Toki left with the drinks, heading to the room he shared with Skwisgaar. Pickles, Nathan and Murderface sat in the hot tub in confused silence.

“Dood,” said Pickles, “did Toki just say that Skwisgaar’s dick bit him after it tried to eat a vole?”

There was a long silence.

“I guess that’s why Toki gets on top,” said Nathan.